To think my DSis is really unhappy?

[Poptart4]

My sister is extremely critical. Shes made dozens of comments implying I dont do anything or go anywhere. Eg we live in area X. She'll say "you never leave X, you have to get out of X every once in a while (while rolling her eyes at me),she's the only one in our family who ever goes to places outside of X". For context I bring the kids on day trips outside of X 2-3 times a month. DS has been with us for loads of those trips. I go on foreign holidays every year (she doesn't) and I go on weekends away 4/5 times a year. She knows all this but still keeps up the snide remarks about how I never leave X. Heavily implying I have no life.

She's made comments about me sitting around all day. I have 4 DC and a job, the chance to sit around all day would be great! Again she says these things implying I have no life.

She slags off my car. Ok it's a banger but why do you care? Im the one driving it. She can be extremely blunt and rude.

I finally got my 'forever' home after 14yrs and she takes great pleasure in telling me the area is a kip. It's not. Its actually a great place to bring up children and we are all very happy here. Shes a long way off getting her forever home and is very unhappy in her current home, so I think shes abit jealous and just cant bring herself to be happy for me. Which is sad because theres absolutely nothing wrong with her home.

I do pull her up on some of the comments she makes but it's like talking to a brick wall. She sees nothing wrong in anything she says and wont ever admit shes wrong on anything. Like when I point out how nice my area is, she will argue it's not.

It's not just me shes like this with. She constantly criticises our siblings and her friends and has no problem saying her opinions to peoples faces.

Recently it accured to me that maybe shes just not happy with her own life and shes projecting her unhappiness onto others. Like it makes her feel better to point out other peoples faults or what SHE precieves as faults. For the record I don't see anything wrong with her life but I know shes unhappy with her relationship, where she lives and her job. But these are all things she can change if she wants to.

I dont know, aibu to think someone who is so negative towards others is deeply unhappy inside?

Do it back to her.
If she reacts badly tell her it’s exactly what she’s doing to you.
Cut down the time you spend with her.
Every time she criticises you, roll your eyes and say here we go!

Oooo agree do it to her back.

I have an elderly aunt who is exactly like this, and has been all her life according to her siblings. She’s now late 70’s and everyone has deduced that she is very unhappy with her life, but any attempt by her siblings to talk to her about how she is feeling just gets an attack response.

Sadly, as a result all her siblings have distanced themselves over the years and her nieces and nephews, including me, have very little to do with her too. It’s so sad but we wonder if she has some sort of narcisstic tendencies but only she can help herself if she won’t listen to reason.

Yeah just do it to her back.

And stand up for yourself every single time! Not defensive but just laugh or say oh not this again, you say this evvvvvery time, surely you can think up other things to say!

Envy..... you need to protect yourself from her. Can you reduce your face to face and other contact?

YANBU OP and I think you're probably right about her being very unhappy. Sounds like she has deep-seated insecurities but thankfully they're not your responsibility. It sounds like you have a very full and busy life and I'd be tempted to gently disengage from her as far as possible, focusing on those people who have a positive impact on your life.

Appreciate you haven't asked for advice on what to do BTW! DH and I have had similar with a family member and while we like this family member's wife very much, we just can't deal with her husband's negativity and judgement of our (very happy!) life. We simply see far less of them, but in a gentle way. Didn't feel the need for a big chat about it, but we became less available and lockdown has been a bloody godsend this year.

I have an aunt like this. I just cut her out of my life. I’m much happier and ages still miserable and unhappy.

If you want to try to have a reasonable relationship you should be upfront, comprehensively so and tell her to either shut up or fuck off.

Something like:

‘Louise - I’m done with your negativity. You’re horrible and disparaging about every decision I make and every success I enjoy. I’m finished letting you spoil my happiness so either sort your own misery out or leave me alone permanently.’

Why argue with her? It’s pointless. Just grey rock her with bland replies.

I agree it’s definitely not a sign of a happy soul. My DM is cursed with a negative attitude and I try hard not to rise to her doom. Not criticism as such but just bloody negative.

You could say something

"Blimey Victoria full of positivity and kindness again today aren't you?"

Keep saying it...

She sounds horrendous and I just wouldn’t have anything to do with her because she probably makes you feel unhappy or at least the time together feel negative.

However, I dont know, aibu to think someone who is so negative towards others is deeply unhappy inside? I think YABU here because it might just be she is a negative person but she doesn’t have to be deeply unhappy inside to be so.

I wouldn't do it back to her, there is no point in this. Some people are just locked into this kind of mentality and are usually unhappy with their lives, but never the less,they find faults with others.

My Sister was like this, but she died five weeks ago, and it grieves me to know, that she has spent years of her life with this critical attitude towards all and sundry, when she should have been happier.

She sounds exhausting, how frustrating for you. Especially if you find yourself constantly justifying your day to day life!
I like the idea of doing it back to her but it might not even faze her.... if you don’t want to limit contact I’d try and be upfront about it. You’re right though, that kind of attitude tends to stem from unhappiness.

Has she always been like this? Or is it just this year? I know many friends and family whose moods have suffered this year for obvious reasons.

@1forAll74 sorry about your sister

I don't think doing it back to her would work at all. But I do like the idea of what someone else, about calling her out about it it in a passive aggressive way.

Like laughing (not maliciously!) and saying "you're always so negative aren't you!!" In a 'what are you like!' Sort of way

Or something like that...

I have a neighbour who is brass necked enough to make the same sort of comments to me as she assumes I am a hermit as I am at home (working) a lot and I'm quite happy doing nothing at weekends nowadays.
My response to her rude remarks is "I'm happy and content with my life" (which I am).
Like your Dsis I think these comments are a reflection of their own unhappiness.

@MatildaTheCat

Why argue with her? It’s pointless. Just grey rock her with bland replies.

I agree it’s definitely not a sign of a happy soul. My DM is cursed with a negative attitude and I try hard not to rise to her doom. Not criticism as such but just bloody negative.

I do argue back sometimes but like you say it's pointless. She wont back down on anything. Alot of the time I ignore the comments and quickly change the subject. It's the only way I can have a relationship with her. If I picked her up on every comment we would do nothing but argue.

It's sad because shes not all bad and when she is in a good mood we have a good time together. Unfortunately shes in a bad mood 80% of the time.

I once asked her why shes always in a bad mood and she turned it around and said it's me that's always in the bad mood

I'm not the only one who feels this way about her btw. Our mother and siblings agree. DM avoids her sometimes because she gets fed up with the comments.

@RandomMess

You could say something

"Blimey Victoria full of positivity and kindness again today aren't you?"

Keep saying it...

I'm going to use this

The sad thing about this, as other posters have said, is that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy; people gently fade her out, and the - "Nobody talks to me"!
Have you tried asking her for suggestions? "Where do you think we should be living, then?" "What make of car do you think I should be driving?" "Can you suggest a nice place that I could take the children for an outing?"
I'm sure you're right about the projection, though. It's her way of avoiding telling herself what would be better for herself IYSWIM.

I do think some people are just like this. They focus on the negative in every situation, their own and other people's, and can't find much joy in the world. I don't suppose it makes for a happy life.

Do you think she really would be happier if she changed the things in her life she is dissatisfied with? Or would she still see everything tinged with doom?

Definitely. I wouldn't do it back to her but would point it out calmly and ask why she feels the need to project her discontent on to others.

I just can't imagine spending time with someone like that, sibling or no sibling.

Actively, happily avoid.🤷‍♀️

I would respond ‘I’m not quite sure I understand what you mean? Can you explain?’ And repeat. Make her feel uncomfortable having to explain and make herself look miserable and negative. I would feel like she’s looking for a fight, for a reason to fall out with you and everyone around her. It’s antagonistic at the very least and self fulfilling too. How draining!