Did you lose your confidence in your 50 s and how did you regain it

[whatisforteamum]

Only 2 years ago I was a happy driven woman.Menopause and life events made me fatigued,drained and shrunk my world.I stopped driving and lost all my support networks,dd,df and my beloved pet.😥
Now I need to make life decisions and often feel overlooked and invalidat ed at work and at home.Almost as if my opinions don't count anymore.
I wonder if anyone else felt like this a bit of a laughing stock or nuisance and what did you do to reset your life.I am on HRT which has helped enormously.

Or didn't you?

No, but that is probably due to my lifestage being different and different circumstances. When I turned 50 DD was 8 and still at primary school. I had a job that I loved, and still do. I am happliy married to the same man I married 39 years ago.

The menopause wasn't a disaster for me either.

Re the driving - living where we do, not driving isn't an option, so I just kept on driving. I had an 18 mile commute to work, an 8 year old daughter to take to brownies, swimming lessons, parties etc, so I never considered not driving.

I am 61, still work, still drive and still feel confident about my life.

I'm sorry you have lost your DD, DF and your pet. These things must be so difficult to come back from

I'm with you OP.
Due to a random lot of things happening to me in my 50s (two redundancies, DH being very ill, bereavements....) as well as the menopause and the youth-focussed society in which we live, I feel as though I lost a large part of me in that decade.
I don't have it back. I am a different person now, and yes, probably feeling like a lesser one. I'm learning to live with it.

Why does the menopause affect women so differently?

I had hot flushes and migraines, and that is it. Now I no longer get either.

Oh I didn't lose dd she moved hundreds of miles away.I don't know why the meno affects some women more.I had easy pregnancies and a homebirth before though so I guess I have loads to be grateful for.
I agree we live in a youth obsessed culture and I work with all young people so I guess I do compare myself to them.I am a physically fit 54 though tbh.Energetic than some half my age.

Yes, a little bit, I have some health issues, not traditional menopause symptoms, but probably connected with loss of oestrogen, worn down with caring responsibilities, and finding younger people making incorrect assumptions about me based on my age and/or seeing life a bit differently because of experience. Also disillusioned with work and would give it up if I could. We are at the bottom of the life satisfaction curve though, things go upwards from early 50s to around age 75 I think.

Yes, I totally lost confidence, became anxious and unsure. The hot flushes and the aching joints were far easier to cope with. I ended up changing from my professional job to a much lesser office based one as I coped better mentally with it. I was practically bullied out my job by younger more aggressive people and the lack of confidence in my self worth nearly destroyed me. I'm slowly getting better and have a supportive family but I'll never return to my previous career.
.

This is incredibly sad to read, I am 43 and am trying to work on my diet and fitness, I now look to older fit women for inspiration. My manager is 57 and is amazing she is divorced and all of her children have left home but, she just has this aura that I admire, she looks after herself and has a great social life. You are still important and need to show people that women can be incredibly strong.

I'm my job I see people from 16 right up to 105 and one thing that strikes me is making your own happiness. Make yourself feel good, be kind to yourself look at your diet and exercise don't let this be your future. What would you tell your dd if she told you this about herself? I don't intend to allow people to determine how I am seen and how I feel. You have the power to change this.

Could you consider having some driving lessons and trying to get back to driving again. It's going to help you regain so much independence.
I'm a similar age and the menopause really has been a strange journey for me. Hopefully things do get better, I don't use hrt and thankfully night time flushes and sweats seem to be gone. I'm vegan and my diet is really important in terms of managing my mood and symptoms. Weight gain has been a real problem and I've really struggled to get below 11st which is heavy for me.
Work places are difficult environments as you get older but covid-19 has brought home to me that it's also an important environment for me in terms of discipline and focus. It's as big a life change as puberty and I try and deal with it in that way, don't stress and resist the temptation to weigh up your entire life.

Yep.

Look back at the lively, happy confident young woman l was and don’t recognise her.

Anxiety
Severe lack of confidence
Work is just an endless battle every day.
I don’t know who l am any more.

I do look after myself in what I eat and I am lucky to still be a size 10.Also I think I have been a good role model to my dad as I work 11/12 hour days in a male dominated environment which I am proud to have stuck at when many walk away.I still feel undervalued as I'm called bossy at home and at work which isn't levelled at men.
I have to keep a tough exterior and it would be lovely to be looked after for once!
I have always said I would try driving again and I spoke about it last night to dh.

No. Actually my confidence hugely increased during my early 50s.
Maybe it 'helps' that I had an unhappy childhood & stressed youth.

Also helped that DC were growing up so less physically demanding.
Sounds like you've had a lot of recent new challenges, OP.
There will be a way thru, hang in there.

Thank you yeoldtrout

My flippant answer to your question would be yes, followed by vodka and ending with too soon to tell.

But in all seriousness, having crashed through the menopause in my mid 40s, hit 51, been a carer for my MIL with dementia till she had to go to residential care, then for my Mum till cancer "won", and been trying to build a business that depends on a youthful, upbeat and quirky image I totally relate to your question.

My shop has been open three days now after lockdown and other issues, and my confidence is a fond memory - I'm second guessing everything, constantly apologising, over-compensating with somewhat forced and occasionally inappropriate gallows humour, and easily over-ridden by my DP or anyone who has an opinion because mine feels worthless.

So I'm trying to take each day as it comes, accepting that the world we live in now is deeply unsettling, it's not always all about me but my feelings ARE still valid and important. I do the things I can do and celebrate the successes internally.

Your comment about being called bossy struck a chord - I'm mostly easy-going, but as soon as I am assertive I get the "WomanAppMalfunction" response, so I get sneaky - more flies caught with honey than vinegar and all that - I pick my battles (and often win).

It's a work in progress tbh...... I wish you all the best and if and are at all helpful, have some virtual from me and treat yourself when you can.

yes, I was confident, fit, capable, succesful. Now I am fat mid 50s, not very healthy, stressed, no confidence, difficult to concentrate. I feel worn down and stretched too thin. If I had had my children younger then now I might be rediscovering myself but I have two (spoilt - my fault) teens, needy family members, a job, a dog, a house and several other commitments. It is not much fun tbh.

Actually pleasure maybe you hit the nail on the head!!
I had several years of juggling teens,job house pets and two I'll parent battling cancer that I just didn't think about me.Also dh had a heart attack.Now I don't have those responsibilities and dm is hyper critical I just have too many draining aspects not enough fun.
Sorry you and bimbling feel this way too.Venting on here helps though.

I mean oldqueen**

Not 50 yet but I lost my confidence years ago but starting to get it back. HRT has also helped me lots ! In every way! Also started reading a lot of books involving Positive Mind Set and self-care etc. to get my confidence back.

I'm exhausted from meeting everyone else's needs, I wonder how I ever found life difficult when I only had myself to look after! Caring for a parent is really really hard, I find things difficult with my DM as she's so anxious and it's difficult not to be affected and brought down too. I was listening to the Essentialism podcast the other day, which was really emphasising putting yourself first. I think when you've had such an intense period of looking after everyone else you can forget what you're interested in, or maybe you just need time to do nothing for a bit, out of which the next thing will eventually emerge. I do all the "right" things, but also accept that it might be a while before I get "myself" back, I can't force it.

and yes to what Rupertpenrysmistress said.

This does not have to be it. Can start by finding a meditation that you like. Write down or imagine how you want your life to be (in detail), including what you are like. Don't worry about how to achieve it. Visualise it and believe you can do it and see what happens..........

@tabbystar you have just described my life. Actually it has slightly cheered me up to know I am not alone in this.
It is finding the time to take care of oneself that is hard when so many rely on us. I will be working till late tonight, and again this weekend - things like that make it hard to do the self care that is the thing that might help.

@TabbyStar you've hit the nail on the head for me too. My 40s have been spent caring for everyone else, DC, my DF through cancer and DM with dementia while DH works overseas. Also juggling a very busy and mainly stressful career. I've stayed slim but think that's because of the stress and lots of running around as my diet is not the best. I feel exhausted most of the time and I've just turned 51. I feel as though I can't progress my career any further because of everything going on in my personal life I wouldn't be able to put in the hours/travel.

Yes Im 52 and can totally relate. Had breast cancer just before my 50th Birthday, so lost a boob and now take a drug called Tamoxifen which has lots of horrible side effects. I’m in full blown menopause and one of the the worst symptoms is vaginal atrophy, as if having only one boob wasn’t enough to make me lose confidence in my body now my flipping fanjo doesn’t work properly!!
I left nursing after my diagnosis because I couldn’t focus and memory became so poor. So now I work in a nursery with toddlers, which is lovely but I miss my old job

Bless you missyb.Sorry for being so woe is me when I don't have serious health issues myself twice
.I can relate to the downstairs issues.Earlier this year I was peeing a few times every hour and losing confidence by the day.HRT has definitely helped in that way after scans ruled out ovarian cancer that dm has had twice.