Smothered

[Banjo36]

Hi

I wanted to get a different perspective on things in case I'm being unreasonable. My partner's family are very clingy, they're either knocking at our door without warning or asking us to do things several times a week. I know this doesn't bother my partner because they're a tight family and without me they'd probably see a lot more of each other. I love my family but I keep them at a distance, seeing them an absolute maximum of twice a week, in order to protect my partner a bit. The theory behind this in my mind is: you feel like you have to be on your best behaviour with inlaws and it's stressful so protect your partner from that. Anyway, we bicker about this and my partner does agree that some of their behaviour isn't on - they've let themselves into our house in the past to drop stuff off that just didn't need dropping off and didn't give a heads up about it or anything even though we'd actually told them we were going out that day. So we've booked a holiday away together - me, my partner and our young son. And now my partner's family have just told us they've booked to go to the same place as us at the same time. I'm absolutely livid about it. Am I being unreasonable?

It’s a std response but you don’t have an In laws problem- you have a DP problem.
You need to get your DP to reign this in, he’s obvs told them exactly where you we’re going g etc.
I would be p’d off too if my lovely family, who I ADORE gatecrashed a family holiday with no warning or invite

I'd have to wonder if they are actually doing all of this without warning or if your DP knows in advance and forgets to bother telling you. I can't imagine letting myself into someones house without them knowing, even in a close relationship they could be running round the house starkers.

DP needs to sort this out. He may not realise just how much it bothers you. If they have a key, get it back; if not then keep the doors locked so they cannot let themselves in.
As to the holiday, I would look to change it if that’s at all possible. If not I’d be telling DP to go on his own.

Sound a bit like my partners family. Definitely him who needs to sort this out.

A member of my partners family did this with our holiday,booked the same time. We ended up changing to a different destination, partner told his family we found somwhere better.

Yes, your partner needs to step up and tell his family to give you ALL a bit more space (i.e. not make it you to blame). If he won't, I'd stop"protecting" him from excessive time with your own family!

If possible, rearrange your holiday. If you'd rather, and if it's feasible, stay home. You know his in-laws will be away those days, so at least you'll get a break, and you'll be making a strong statement to your partner in too. Personally, I'd have a hard time letting them take away my holiday, though.

For starters, your DP needs to cancel this holiday, then book and pay for a different holiday for you both and not tell his family where you are going and when.

Then you need probably several discussions to set firm boundaries about what interaction and intrusion from his family you can tolerate and what's beyond the pale.

20 votes YANBU right now, 100%

My mother is a smotherer and you just can't speak to her. Your DP is probably embarrassed. It's not easy to set boundaries with peoole like this.

Who told the in laws about the holiday? How do they have a key to let themselves in?

Don’t tell them any plans in future. Get the key or change the lock.

YANBU

It's incredibly rude to invite yourself on someone else's holiday.

However the first question is how did they know where you were going? Secondly did your DH know (or encourage) this?

I'd refuse to go in all honesty. Holiday is a time to relax and I don't want to be on best behaviour with the in laws and making small talk when I could have my nose in a book.

I'd look at the booking and see if you can change it to another date or place and make clear to DH that he's not to share the details.