To ask how to help my friend?

[stumblingthrough]

One of my best friends has suffered a miscarriage and my heart is breaking for her. Right now she wants some time to herself to come to terms with the situation which I completely understand.

When she's ready I'll be there for her one million percent but I'd like to know what more I can do.
I'd like to send her something to cheer her up but the only ideas I can find online are gifts specifically mentioning losing a baby and I'd rather something which will put a smile on her face, if that's even possible. Does anyone have any ideas for what I could get her or anything I can do to make her feel better?

I know to avoid the usual unhelpful comments of 'everything happens for a reason' or 'you're only young you can have another'. I just feel so guilty because I have my DD and I feel like because of that I'll be a reminder of this loss for a while.

Any help much appreciated, thanks.

Hi OP, firstly you sound like an absolutely lovely friend! I went through a MC a few months ago and was lucky enough to receive a few things from supportive friends and family. We received a few bunches of flowers, a memorial rose bush, some cupcakes, a special candle and a small food delivery. Whatever you choose, your friend is bloody lucky to have a friend like you.

@Wearenotyourkind I'm so so sorry to hear of your loss. Thank you for your kind words and suggestions. I feel completely useless at the moment so I'll happily spend some time scouring the internet for a nice gift. I just want her to know that I'm here to support her, she's just not ready to hear it I don't think which is completely understandable.

I felt the same for a while - I isolated myself and couldn't bear to talk about it or let people support me. I think it is all part of processing the loss and grief - although I am aware we are all different. Even just a card can be really powerful. Just be there for your friend when she is ready. You sound lovely

I received a delivery of chocolate from M&S which was really nice. Unfortunately whoever was processing the order didn't really read the tone of the message my friends had put in so the card they picked to print it in was of two champagne glasses clicking together. But then that turned out to be the first thing that made me smile in a week so it wasn't all bad.

Do you live nearby? When I was going through a tough time a friend left some bolognese and pasta on my doorstep and just text me to tell me it was there. I wasn’t in the mood for cooking, and it was so lovely that someone had done something so thoughtful. That meant more than any cards or gifts.

I had a fairly similar situation, I just grabbed a few feel good/ favourite things so new pjs, some chocolate, fancy biscuits, hair mask, favourite drinks (non alcoholic) and just text and said I’m not staying just dropping something off. Gave it to her in a carrier bag, quick hug and she really appreciated it without it being too much or anything specific to her situation!

A friend left a little candle on my doorstep with a hand drawn card. It was a beautiful candle and I lit it on occasion and thought of my little boy. Shortly afterwards, on my due date she left another candle and another hand drawn card. And a few years later, every year I still get a candle and card on my babies birthday, quietly popped on my doorstep before I leave on a morning. Each time it's bittersweet, but more sweet these days. I love that she remembers what would have been his birthday and that I have someone outside of me and dh that celebrate and morn that day.

I sent my sister a bunch of nice flowers with a message saying I was thinking of her, she could use me to talk to if she wanted but equally if she didn’t, I was still there.

Some lovely ideas here. One of my friends gave us a plant. Someone else sent flowers. Think that was it

I’m currently going through a miscarriage. I have received flowers from friends and family and also plenty of chocolate and new pyjamas. All have put a smile on my face at such a horrible time. There is no right or wrong gift to send, just knowing I have such wonderful friends who are thinking of me has been lovely.

You sound like a lovely friend. I have been in that situation I have been so touched to receive anything but real winners for me were books (distraction), treats they knew I’d love and also the gift of their company sometimes. Just to sit and watch tv in silence even when I didn’t want to talk.

Does anyone have any ideas for what I could get her or anything I can do to make her feel better?

OP please don't start from the position that you can make her feel better. It's not your job or within your gift.

Respecting her wishes and boundaries, being available and properly listening when she is ready to talk, checking in with her with no expectation of a response, sitting in silence and holding her hand. Will all be greatly appreciated.

As for gifts, people are different. I found flowers depressing - they die. Magazines and nice food went down well. But anyone who could sit with my grief was most welcome.

When I had a miscarriage the ladies at work set me a card and a lovely box of things containing chocolate, bath bombs, bottle of wine, body butter, candle etc. It was so thoughtful.

Everyone is different but I would not want to get any gifts or anything. I would find it intrusive to receive anything especially if I had already said I wanted some time for myself. If I was given something I would understand that the person meant well but, privately, I would not want it.

When I miscarried I told people at work and they were amazing. They were sympathetic and kind but not overly so. Many of the women had had miscarriages when they were younger and it made me feel it was a normal albeit sad thing to have gone through.

I know some women are devastated by having a miscarriage but I don’t think everyone is. I don’t think you should assume your daughter will remind your friend of her loss.

Little text or card to say here when you need. Something simple like that.