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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH support

26 replies

mamma456 · 10/09/2020 02:09

My job is going through some turmoil and often now feel like a lot of difficult demands are being made of me from my seniors. This is not my issue.

My issue is DH who is supportive, but struggles to give me the support I need. If I want to vent about something happening that is giving me stress, his reaction is always to rant about management. This is SO unhelpful, especially when I am actually try to get on with doing a job, and I just need quiet support or proper advice, which he is actually very good at. But I get a rant instead, which makes me feel worse.

DH counters that when I am upset with work, I get very loud (I don't feel loud in my head) and that makes him upset and loud too.

Anyway I don't know what to do - not lean on him for support when I need it? Rant in MN instead? Grrrr!

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 10/09/2020 04:11

Start your rant to him with the words “I need some advice about this situation”. Consciously speak quietly and slowly.

GhostCurry · 10/09/2020 04:44

Good advice above. What a bizarre reaction from your Dh!

Elsewyre · 10/09/2020 05:53

Is it possible hes trying to be supportive without offering suggestions/advice after having some DM trash article about "how women think?" It always seems to make the lists

ivfbeenbusy · 10/09/2020 05:55

Jeez give the poor bloke a break you said he's supportive? You sound a bit hard work that he's not "supporting" you in the exact way you have specified 🤷‍♀️

There will be calls to LTB next

Original poster
mamma456 · 10/09/2020 06:18

Well today, I started out by asking calmly for his advice on an urgent task I had for work. I probably got a bit loud unintentionally because I was frustrated with the task. His reaction was to rant about my bosses, which I didn't want to hear because I really needed to find a solution quickly.

He's supportive on the inside. He's so helpful when when he's calm. I guess when I am going through a difficult time, I really need him to be calm and either help or listen to me if he can't help. Not get upset because my bosses are being unreasonable because that helps no one.

OP posts:
Fatted · 10/09/2020 06:24

I think perhaps he is giving you advice, you just don't want to hear the advice he is giving. He is telling you your bosses are being unreasonable to ask you to do something. His advice is to challenge your boss and/or look for a new job where ridiculous demands aren't made of you.

I'm also confused about why you're asking him for advice on how to do your job? Does he work for the same company? Are you WFH right now? I'd be pretty miffed if my DH kept asking me for help on how to do his job.

lovemelongtime · 10/09/2020 06:39

Sorry but perhaps you are leaning on your DH too much. We all have a rant now and again, but very I wouldn't be asking him for urgent work advise ever. That's what you have colleagues and managers for. If you were in the office think about what you would do instead.

Original poster
mamma456 · 10/09/2020 08:52

Yes I'm WFH. DH used to be in the same scientific field but is looking for work and he is usually happy to engage. It's not that inappropriate to talk about work with him because it's about science. I'm isolated because of time zones, I can't speak to my bosses and colleagues in the US until the end of the day. Yes we both think my bosses are being unreasonable but my whole UK office has just been laid off and I'm in a new unfamiliar role, hence the stress I'm under. There are not many other opportunities available without making our position financially worse. Since things have gone downhill at work, he's complaining a lot about stuff I can't change. I have a lot of problems at work but no solutions, so I just have to get on with it. I would just like some support from him rather him complaining about my bosses because it just makes me feel worse.

OP posts:
Florencex · 10/09/2020 08:57

I am feeling sorry for him! You keep ranting at him about your work and then you get angry with him because he responds in a particular way. Perhaps he feels your bosses are to blame and this is his way of supporting you. If you don’t like it, maybe you should try to rant about work less?

melj1213 · 10/09/2020 16:34

Sometimes I rant because I need to get something out of my system and I dont want someone to be practical and start problem solving, I just need them to listen, offer a glass of gin cup of tea and let me blow off steam.

Conversely sometimes I rant because i have an issue and need practical help ti get something done and platitudes/offers of coffee are not helpful

But since people are not mind readers, I tell people what I need/want from them up front. "Arrgh! XYZ is a problem and I cant seem to fix it. Do you have 5 minutes and can you help me solve it?" vs "Arrgh! XYZ is a problem, I dont need help to sort it, but do you have 5 minutes to take a break with me so I dont throw this computer out of the window?"

vanillandhoney · 10/09/2020 16:39

Maybe he's sick of you ranting and shouting at him about things he can't really do anything about?

If your work is causing you this much stress, maybe focus your energy on finding a new job instead? It's not fair to just rant at your partner about it but not do anything to change the situation.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 10/09/2020 16:49

How often do you want an advice on your job from him though?

Original poster
mamma456 · 10/09/2020 20:46

Just to reiterate I am not the one ranting and shouting. I'm just asking for help when I'm stressed out.

We both agree now is not the time to change jobs, at least not until DH has one.

My issue is that I can't talk to him about how hard I'm finding work, without him getting angry about my situation and my bosses. I don't want him to be angry, I just want him to listen or to help me find a solution - either is fine at any time. We've talked about this before and he's apologised about ranting but it keeps happening. Is the only solution then not to talk to him about the tough parts of work at all?

OP posts:
vanillandhoney · 10/09/2020 20:50

Maybe he's fed up of listening to the same kind of thing over and over again when nothing ever changes?

I am sympathetic to what you're going through but I know when DH struggled in his last job, listening to the same issues over and over was very frustrating.

It sounds like you're both fed up with the whole situation so maybe neither of you are handling it as well as you should?

Original poster
mamma456 · 10/09/2020 20:52

Like one thing I struggle with is that since everyone was laid off, my workload has ballooned. If I get stressed about it, then he'll rant about how my bosses shouldn't have laid everyone off, what did they expect etc etc. Which is really pointless because it's too late, they're gone, they're not going to hire anyone else, it's tough times, just need to get on with it and tbh I'm relieved I'm still employed, so I don't want to take about that part. I just want to focus on what's happening now.

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 10/09/2020 20:53

He’s probably really frustrated that he is unemployed and thinks that if he were doing the job he would do it differently and therefore wouldn’t have the problems.

Original poster
mamma456 · 10/09/2020 20:54

listening to the same issues over and over was very frustrating

That's fair. It's been 6m, I didn't think it had been that long but maybe it feels longer from his pov.

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 10/09/2020 20:55

But you do need to take responsibility for managing your work and saying no you cannot do it. There is a reasonable amount of work that anyone can be expected to do

Original poster
mamma456 · 10/09/2020 20:56

He’s probably really frustrated that he is unemployed and thinks that if he were doing the job he would do it differently and therefore wouldn’t have the problems.

It's not this - I would love more input from him on how he would do things differently! He's just mad at the people at the top. I can see from their pov that's it's just business, but he seems to take it personally on my behalf somehow!

OP posts:
Original poster
mamma456 · 10/09/2020 20:58

But you do need to take responsibility for managing your work and saying no you cannot do it. There is a reasonable amount of work that anyone can be expected to do

I do, but there's still fallout from clients over things that don't get done as a result. There's literally no one else to help now. Stupid pandemic and cost-cutting.

OP posts:
Original poster
mamma456 · 10/09/2020 21:02

It's like say working in a covid testing facility, and the number of tests to process are overwhelming. But there is a very fixed budget on how many people they can hire. So you can work at a reasonable pace. There is some mild pressure to work as fast as you can for as long as you can, but it's all within the guidelines of what's safe and reasonable for you, but day on day it becomes tiring. And the tests that don't get processed that day, there will be real world consequences. And people are going to be upset.

OP posts:
vanillandhoney · 10/09/2020 21:05

@mamma456

Like one thing I struggle with is that since everyone was laid off, my workload has ballooned. If I get stressed about it, then he'll rant about how my bosses shouldn't have laid everyone off, what did they expect etc etc. Which is really pointless because it's too late, they're gone, they're not going to hire anyone else, it's tough times, just need to get on with it and tbh I'm relieved I'm still employed, so I don't want to take about that part. I just want to focus on what's happening now.
I think this is part of the problem. You don't need to just get on with it - if you keep going the way you are, you're going to make yourself sick.

If you're struggling, say no. If you're stressed, go and get signed off. Please don't force yourself to go to work if you're struggling to keep up with what's going on - it's not fair on you, and if you don't speak up or say something, it won't get any better.

Look after yourself Flowers

Original poster
mamma456 · 10/09/2020 21:10

And whether I want to talk about how to make the process quicker, or about how hard it's been because I had to process so many tests today, DH always responds by ranting about the govt for not hiring more people.

OP posts:
Original poster
mamma456 · 10/09/2020 21:11

Thanks vanillandhoney!

OP posts:
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 10/09/2020 21:55

Hes getting angry because you keep ranting at him, there's nothing he can do about your workload, and he's probably fed up with you not doing anything about it and dumping it all on him. He's right, this should be your bosses problem.