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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to call primary teacher out for gender stereotyping?

25 replies

Elly1712 · 09/09/2020 19:39

I had a phone call home today from daughter's year 1 teacher about her behaviour. She flicked some hand sanitiser at a boy and he told his mum so now I have to go into school tomorrow to talk to the teacher. Fine with all that - my daughter is a bit of a tom boy and plays a bit rough. So when her teacher said that maybe she should be encouraged to play with the girls rather than the boys to help adjust her behaviour I initially mumbled an agreement over the phone but the more I think about it the more I am really upset at the gender stereotyping and basically casual sexism that appears to be being suggested. My daughter prefers to play with boys and has always been quite a rough and tumble kind of kid. But it seems that that sort of behaviour is being dismissed as 'boys will be boys' by her teacher when its boys but when it's her she needs to have a behaviour chart and be encouraged to play with girls rather than boys. AIBU if I go to this meeting tomorrow and say something along those lines to the teacher?

OP posts:

HandfulofDust · 09/09/2020 19:41

I agree that it's ridiculous to characterise bad behaviour as boy behaviour. Flicking hand santisier is obviously silly behaviour (it's not even rough play so much as just bad behaviour really), nothing to do with gender.

Thisisnotnormal69 · 09/09/2020 19:41

Agree with you

CatsArePeopleToo · 09/09/2020 19:41

YANBU. I bet that this behaviour wouldn't be called out if it was a boy.

QuacksInTheDark · 09/09/2020 19:42

But aren’t you also gender stereotyping by calling her a tom-boy and suggesting rough and tumble is a boys thing?

Ohtherewearethen · 09/09/2020 19:45

Yes, I noticed a bit of gender stereotyping from you, too, OP

RedHelenB · 09/09/2020 19:45

You called her a tomboy sof who's gender stereotyping!!??

As long as the behaviour is punished the same boy or girl I don't see the problem. But if the girls do play without misbehaving maybe she would be more likely to keep out of trouble if she played with them.

LoeliaPonsonby · 09/09/2020 19:45

Agree that it is stereotyping but it sounds like you’re looking to deflect from your own child’s bad behaviour, who you have just stereotyped ...

NailsNeedDoing · 09/09/2020 19:46

Really, it would be a bit shit of you to moan at the teacher because you have chosen to be offended by this. She probably just wants to help encourage another type of play that she thinks would be beneficial for your daughter, exactly the same as she might encourage a child who plays quietly and less physically to be more active.

Changednamesorry · 09/09/2020 19:47

It's not the boys' fault that your daughter misbehaved. I'd start there.

Rossita · 09/09/2020 19:48

Really hate the term tomboy.

D4rwin · 09/09/2020 19:51

Your daughter's behaviour needs to improve. You're excusing her behaviour as more rough and tumble than others in her peer group because you consider her more boyish and are dismissing her behaviour.

The teacher IS ridiculous to suggest that anyone one in their class should be encouraged to play with others to change their behaviour. The teacher should be supporting the acceptable in class behaviour rather than the lazy "sit them next to the good kid and hope for the best" tactic employed by so many.

Daphnise · 09/09/2020 19:54

Flicking hand gel- well it might do into someone's eye- so rather than worry about gender stereotyping I'd concentrate on educating your daughter not to flick soap/alcohol gels at other children.

BabyLlamaZen · 09/09/2020 19:56

Yeah that's an awful response and really not relevant!

Calabasa · 09/09/2020 19:57

yanbu about the comment, but you need to check yourself a little over calling her a tomboy.

She's a child who likes to play a bit more rough and tumble than some.. not a tomboy.

Do address it with the teacher though.. she can play with who she likes.. if they want to address the silly behaviour, fine.. but i'd tell her where to get off with the 'encourage her to play with the girls' bit.

Potterpotterpotter · 09/09/2020 19:59

Maybe you should focus on your daughter being a pain by flicking hand gel at people then worrying about what a teacher said in a passing comment.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 09/09/2020 19:59

You called her a tomboy sof who's gender stereotyping!!??

FFS, everyone knows what a tomboy is 🙄 The issue is here that the teacher’s answer to addressing bad behaviour is to say ‘get her to play with the girls more’.

MolyHolyGuacamole · 09/09/2020 20:05

So surprised by the comments! OP agreed that the behaviour is inappropriate and had no issue being called in to discuss it.

Do you REALLY believe that it's ok for an educator to suggest a girl play with other girls in order change her behaviour? Not only is it sexist, the comment has no basis in scientific fact.

And yes, Tomboy itself is sexist as well, she's a girl, it doesn't matter what or who she plays with or how she behaves. But that is beside OP's point.

minipie · 09/09/2020 20:09

Totally agree with you about the playing with the girls suggestion - awful idea. It’s not the girls’ job to teach your DD good behaviour.

And IF the teacher is ok with similar behaviour from boys but not from girls then that’s outrageous. Not clear if that has happened or not?

But if you’re going to speak to the school you need to accept that your DD’s behaviour is bad rather than “rough and tumble”.

nnnnnnnnnnn · 09/09/2020 21:12

''YANBU. I bet that this behaviour wouldn't be called out if it was a boy.''

yea but likewise boys get called out for behaviour that is more linked to girls so it works 2 ways.

Witchend · 09/09/2020 21:35

I suspect what the teacher is actually meaning is she plays up with that specific group so she'd be better playing with a different group.
I had with ds the teacher comment that he played better (and calmer) with a different group as he wasn't constantly trying to outsilly the other members.

ballsdeep · 09/09/2020 21:55

@CatsArePeopleToo

YANBU. I bet that this behaviour wouldn't be called out if it was a boy.

Generalising much?

Catsup · 10/09/2020 00:56

To be honest I think I'd wait to see what concerns are raised by the teacher first. I'd be surprised if the idea of a behaviour chart was being floated over what appears one silly isolated incident, especially due to Dd's age? As a parent there's not much you can do to encourage 'mixing more with anyone', as you're clearly not sat in the classroom. So I don't see where the teacher is going with that? But I would wonder if your Dd naturally gravitates to want to play with the boys, and the boys potentially dismissing her trying to join in due to 'being a girl'? Young children can sometimes be very 'I like X, and want them to be my friend, whilst X can be I don't like Y and don't want to play with them'. Which is very hard to navigate as nobody wants either child to feel upset by it.

Jd1313 · 10/09/2020 02:09

You are absolutely not being unreasonable on the basis of what you have said is true and of face value, however to look abstractly, has your daughter been a difficult child and the teacher is politely implying to act better? Again if she has adhd ect totally inappropriate but food for thought

MustShowDH · 10/09/2020 03:43

The teacher might have chosen their words poorly, but was trying to tell you that your daughter's behaviour needs addressing. They're in Yr1, so dealing with it now will be so much easier than letting it continue, even if it's not nice to hear.

MadinMarch · 10/09/2020 04:29

I think you need to focus on what the teacher has to say, and take that fully on board. Is it really just this one incident that is the reason the teacher has called you in for? I suspect there's other reasons too, and the teacher is looking for methods to improve your DD's behaviour. Playing with a different set of friends would be one method that may help her behave.

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