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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask you to knock sense into my head

13 replies

MadgeMidgerson · 09/09/2020 12:40

AIBU to ask you to knock sense into my head and stay resolute?

over this corona period i got to chatting with someone online.

he is v intelligent, interesting, good looking, and was in a failing marriage. things got quite intimate between us with phone calls, texts and messaging daily- i would chat with him for hours each night.

he told me about a month ago that he was leaving her - they had a one month trial separation. a few days later he told me he had changed his mind and wants to stay and make a go of it with his wife.

despite this he kept messaging. he also says he loves me.

i am going back to work this week (furloughed) and i can not be up all hours anymore and this is messing with my head anyway so i told him on monday that i can’t do this anymore.

i feel sad and weak and stupid for having gotten entangled in this, and for wishing it could have been more and for wanting to message again.

please tell me i am doing the right thing and to stay strong (provided that’s what you think!

OP posts:
Original poster
MadgeMidgerson · 09/09/2020 12:41

also even if this were true true love he lives a good 400 miles away and we both have children, all under 13.

OP posts:
lotsolove · 09/09/2020 12:44

Just think of this as some lockdown fun that made your days cooped up at home more interesting. Now that you are back at work you will be interacting with real people and back into a proper routine. You will soon forget all about this guy.

Original poster
MadgeMidgerson · 09/09/2020 12:44

@lotsolove thank you!!

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HandfulofDust · 09/09/2020 12:45

I agree with @lotsolove . Think of him as your sourdough starter. It was something to pass the time and capture your attention during lockdown and now you're back to real life.

crimsonlake · 09/09/2020 12:48

You are likely to be flamed on here, getting emotionally involved with a man who you knew was married. What were you thinking?
Provided we all think you are doing the right thing?... you should not even need to ask.

LUZON · 09/09/2020 12:48

Sounds like you know it was a silly idea. I'd block all contact with him then make sure I didn't get into any similar relationships in future. It's one thing if it's just adults involved but you both have kids so need to be more sensible.

Original poster
MadgeMidgerson · 09/09/2020 12:50

i know i know - i just want to hear it for moral support and to stay strong and resolute.

the healthiest thing is no contact at all and i have deactivated my account on social media where we used to message to help this.

i think i can be strong and the next few days will be hard but as work ramps up it will get easier

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LordOfTheOnionRings · 09/09/2020 12:52

Block that bastard. You don't want a cheater, he won't be good for you. Men like that don't treat women right.

Original poster
MadgeMidgerson · 09/09/2020 13:10

thank you everyone. i feel disappointed in myself that i let myself get entangled in this, and it is helping to hear that i am doing the right thing, and for the right reasons.

i want to be a person of integrity and carrying on like that ain’t it

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ButteryPuffin · 09/09/2020 13:25

What @lotsolove said. It wasn't the best decision but you know that now and can move forward and do things differently.

DizzyPigeon · 09/09/2020 13:29

Ooh you are so completely doing the right thing. He's never going to make you his number 1.

Speaking from experience (I didn't know he was married to begin with), it will be hard to begin with but you will ultimately be glad to be free of someone that isn't free to be with you.

You'll find someone that will make you a priority.

IncrediblySadToo · 09/09/2020 13:37

You're not the first, you won't be the last!

It definitely wasn't 'good' behaviour on your part & hopefully it's given you a warning not to go there again (with anyone). But moving in from that

You know he's not a decent bloke, because HE was the one that's married & made a commitment to his WIFE & has a family with her. If he'll do it to her, he'd do it to you. He's telling you he loves you, but wants to make a go of it' with his wife! 🙄🙄

Not to mention, even if you were foolish enough to over look that, 400 miles & both with kids it ain't going to work is it?! Only if your DC's Dad isn't involved and you coukd move up there. But you'd be insane to uproot your kids for this bloke!

As others have said, look at him as a lockdown pass time (his poor wife though!) and MOVE ON!!

I know from personal experience how intense this chatting for hours and falling for someone you only know online can be. But no matter how much you think you know them, you really don't until you spend physical time together where they gradually let you see the less appealing aspects of their behaviour/personality!!

Unfortunately it's a bit like a drug, you get used to the contact, the intensity, the feelings, but they do go away if you go cold turkey and if you keep busy!

You'll be fine! Honestly.

It's also shown you something, you're ready to meet someone - but make it someone single and closer!! 🌷

Take care because it does hurt, it is hard x

Original poster
MadgeMidgerson · 09/09/2020 13:44

you are all being so much kinder than i deserve. thank you xx

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