Name changed for this..
Long story short; I’m eldest, DB and I used to be v close due to toxic/neglectful parenting and I’ve played more of a mother role. Parents had a bitter divorce 15 years ago, the whole family scattered apart, both DB and I NC with Dad but I have been a support for DB, at times he’s lived with myself and DS at my expense despite me being a single parent the entire time.
The last few years have been pretty strained between DB and I with a few periods of NC instigated by myself after his misdirected strops and lashing out at me. We have gone for periods of up to a year without contact. He is misogynistic and has some very deep rooted issues, especially around women that he won’t acknowledge. As well as sending abusive messages and lashing out he often targets social media posts of mine and can be very nasty and argumentative, intentionally derailing things I post around topics that are very important to me. (This isn’t a major issue, just mentioning to highlight his general attitude towards me).
He has let my DS down multiple multiple times over 17 years, continually making promises and not keeping them, when his family/Dad circumstances are also quite unpleasant too. There’s a whole backstory of other things that have happened, but you get the gist.
DB had a breakdown and a psychosis last October that I got him help for (he’s been single for about 13 years so there was nobody else to do it) but since then he’s really been distant with me and then sent me abusive texts randomly in February. I went NC again (for my own sanity, it’s not been an easy ride for me either lets just say).
I recently made contact with him regarding a family pet death and since then have been in touch with him sporadically about everyday stuff.
Its his 40th this month and anything birthday-wise usually falls to me. I’d normally throw a party/meal and make a big deal of gifts etc.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right but for my 40th I didn’t even get a card or text, despite him living with us and being supported by me for a couple of years on and off just prior. But really at this point I have had enough of being treat like crap and don’t feel any urge whatsoever to mark the occasion. I did start to buy a few small gifts and I was planning to make a kind of “This is your life” box of thoughtful and personal presents . But I keep stopping myself and thinking about all the abuse he’s slung at me the last few years and the pain he’s caused myself and DS.
I don’t want to “punish” him or anything and I don’t want him to feel the way I did on my 40th birthday. I just seriously have had enough of his crap and am struggling to bring myself to spend what little extra cash I have on his birthday. AIBU? WWYD?