To think my mum is a narcissist?

[isthelightdawning]

I think my mother is a narcissist- or certainly high up on the scale.

She treats me as an extension of herself essentially. She has limited boundaries i.e. when I stay at home she walks in on the shower saying "I have nothing she hasn't already seen", due to a convoluted situation she does my taxes in the UK (I live in a different country) so she has to know my salary. When I have told her about people hurting me she brushes it off and tells me to "stop pushing everyone away" or to be "grateful for the attention".

She is also racist and homophobic and when I get annoyed at her she says "you are my daughter- I can say what I think to you". Her catchphrase is "to be fair..." she says it so often that even hearing other people say it makes me angry.

A big example is my brother and his wife were getting married. I was meant to be a bridesmaid- but I couldn't make it to try a dress on. The next day I get a call from my mum saying that they didn't want me to be bridesmaid.. a lot of bollocky excuses. I was so distraught... but I realised I never asked my brother about it. I was so angry that he didn't tell me that I couldn't speak to him. My mum (a couple of years later) said that it was her idea that I wasn't a bridesmaid and they agreed.

These things are not normal are they? I can't tell if this are just mistakes that happen all the time or if its genuinely something to pay attention to. I have always been emotionally wobbly but I am getting on top of it with some help from a psychologist. I am worried that I am over-reacting? Compared to some of my friends mothers she is an absolute dream.

Does anyone else have any experience/advice?

I can't see anything in particular in your post that would lead to her being a narcissist but she does sound overbearing.

That said, there are things in your post that make no sense unless you are happy being a perpetual child. Even if you are not in the UK, she does not need to do your taxes. That is a choice that you are party to.

How old are you?

Not sure about narcissism but it fits sounds like there's a lot of enmeshment going on.

My mother is the same - took until I was mid-twenties before I managed to stop her coming into the bathroom when showered, and she really didn't take it well! Had always demanded to know what I earn and spend. Thought she had a right to know who every text message I got was from and what it said.

I live a long way from her, lie about things I don't want to know and keep the bathroom door locked (thankfully it has a lock in her new house!). Escaping was painful, and she still tries it on, but I now have strong boundaries.

Thank you for the replies, it’s good to hear other people’s opinions. It’s not like she is Trump- though her ability to explain away some of her more shitty behaviour can be pretty interesting.

I have just noticed the more I attempt to exert my independence the more creative ways she tries to involve herself in my choices

I am not worried, it is what it is. I have been having a hard time (haven’t we all) and the doctor asked me if I could speak to my family and I just burst into tears. When I calmed down I realised it’s because when I speak to her she then get so upset that I spend the whole time trying to convince her that I am OK rather than talking about the problem.

You need strong boundaries. Dont tell her as much. I keep my mother to minimal visits. Draining listening to these people. Shower lock the door.

She sounds controlling, interfering and unpleasant but there’s nothing in your post that screams narcissist.

You need to get an accountant to do your taxes as it’s giving her a hold on your.