AIBU to wonder what his intentions are?

[confusedpombear]

2 months ago at work, I met a lovely man. We exchanged numbers for work reasons and he began chatting. They became very deep conversations quickly and we’d chat about everything. We’d talk about our hopes for the future, fears, loves, families and everything aligned. We talked about things neither of us have discussed with anyone else (and are quite embarrassing).

Until this point it seemed as though he was chatting me up. Except I asked if he’d ever date anybody at work and he said no.

We had a long chat one night about sex and it became incredibly personal. Next day, he tells me he really cares about me and we’re very good friends. I pulled him up on this and he said I mean a huge amount to him but he wouldn’t ruin our friendship by taking it further but his main reasoning was actually that we work together. While I wholeheartedly agree it would be awkward and unprofessional at work, I remained confused about him and we agreed we wouldn’t talk about things that you wouldn’t discuss in platonic friendships. The thing is, he crosses this line. He tells me I’m incredible, like no one he’s ever met and really looks out for me in so many ways. To me, it’s beyond a platonic friendship. He’s been of great support during a family bereavement and I’m very attached now to someone I’m very attracted to.

These days, he texts me good morning and good night and everything in between. But goes on dates with other women. He knows I wouldn’t date him while we’re still in the same office (I’m leaving as my contract ends in around 6 weeks) but it messes with my head. He also knows I came out of an abusive relationship earlier in the year and wouldn’t date right now as I promised myself I’d give myself a year to work on myself. So I’m well aware I’ve given him mixed messages too! But what’s he playing at?

Um, he just wants a shag with no relationship.

He likes you and he's tuned into your vulnerability OP. Move on and get better. Or be single. Don't dangle yourself for these types of men.

No man has ever worried about wrecking a friendship or working relationship for flirtation, sex or love. He's leading you on. Get rid.

Sounds like you’re a safe work crush that he can use as an emotional crutch with the safety net that nothing can come of it because you work in the same place. I’m very wary of people who use hyperbole like ‘you’re incredible’. If he felt that, he would be trying to change your mind about not taking it further.

Start to cool things over the next 6 weeks and when you leave in 6 weeks time, see how you feel and whether you want to pursue it, but I’d be wary of him.

If you feel confused with his intentions it means he’s just not that into you. If a man wants to take things further you know he’s interested.

He sounds strange and I’d be wary. Your time and energy are not being valued by him.

I think you need to stop contacting him unless it's completely professional and about your work and nothing else.

i literally finished something v similar with someone last night.

it was never going to be able to develop into anything real, and what it offered was well out of proportion with the energy and time i was investing.

he told me i was like no one he’s ever known too.

it stings a bit now but it is for the best. whether or not this is the right time for you to be in any kind of entanglement, when you are putting time and energy into this pseudo one, you are blocking your potential to meet someone with whom you can have something real and satisfying which actually meets your needs and isn’t a headfuck.

get rid. move on.

He's got you proper worked up hasn't he ? If he had a shred of decency he wouldn't do this. He holds all the cards in this relationship and he knows it.
Not very nice

Thank you all. As always. When I don't know how to put my thoughts into words, you all do it far better.

I know it's bizarre because the whole thing makes me uncomfortable. I still don't know what he's playing at but I'm not especially looking for friendship anyway.

Anymore thoughts would be much appreciated. And how to get away quietly too!

He's using you as an ego boost. Someone to keep dangling and remind him how amazing he is (in his eyes!!)

If he was interested in you he'd date you, especially knowing you're leaving the workplace soon. Stop answering his texts and cut him out your life. Seriously he's not that into you and is using you.

Aw, this sucks. I'm so sorry but he's not into you, or he'd be going on dates with you. Had this myself with an unrequited love for years.

I agree I'm afraid. I've had a similar work friendship. We were close for years. Soon as I left I barely heard from him.

Since you have mentioned pulling away quietly, I’m guessing you don’t fancy having it out with him. At first I was going to suggest you tell him you have met someone, but I really do think that this would simply result in him trying to ‘win you back’ with a load of false promises and hope… So perhaps the best way is to stop texting as often. When he text you in the morning, don’t respond. If he asks you why when you get to work, tell him you have changed your morning routine: you now go for a run/walk/meditate/get up later. When he messages you on an evening, tell him you are talking to someone else/about to go out/doing something that you need to finish, etc. And if he actually calls you out on any of it, try and have the guts to say to him that it’s rather unhealthy, and you think it’s best that you take a step back. I really believe that once you leave the office, you will stop hearing from him once he has found his next office ‘friend’.

Do you think perhaps you started talking and doing you both realised you had a lot in common? And you enjoyed each other’s company?

But you both made it clear no dating with someone you work with.

Has it occurred to you that he probably really likes you and would very likely date you (given the amount of effort you have both put in to the friendship) however you’ve reminded him, understandably so, that you are not going to date someone at work.

He crossed a line with the whole sex talk. Did you also discuss with him? We’re you part of the conversation? If so, then you both crossed that line together. Not that I’m saying you did anything wrong by that. It sounds like after or during that sex conversation you likely realised this was too personal And out of your comfort zone which is why you pulled him up the next day.

Perhaps he just really likes you and respects the position you are in by not asking you out. But in between that I do think he’s allowed to go on dates because you haven’t clearly communicated (unless I’ve misread) with him whether you would be interested in dating him after your contract ends. Vice versa.

I don’t think you can expect him to not date anyone for 6 months.

The fact that he texts you tells me he’s really into you but is respecting the whole not dating at work thing.

Maybe once your contract is up he’ll ask you out?

I’m sorry to hear you were in abusive relationship previously. It must be really difficult to move on from that and trust another person without fearing for your own safety. You must feel exhausted from being on edge.

Please may I ask whether you would consider dating this man after you have left?
Do you like him more than him just being the friend he is?

If no, then I personally would be really clear about it. Something along the lines of, ‘I appreciate your friendship for xyz reasons, I’ve enjoyed our discussions and hope to continue our friendship. However please understand this is just a friendship’ .and then respond to the odd text not all of them

I hope you sort it out x

@Piffle11 thanks. Yes this is what I'm going to have to do. Step away slowly and quietly and it'll go quiet once I've gone. I feel used now and I don't like that. I won't have it out with him because it's not worth it, but I'm annoyed and feel betrayed by someone who's constantly trying to be "a good friend". It's all a bit of an act, isn't it?

Cross posted w you there @Pizzatoast !

Thank you. So this is what some friends feel is probably happening. And I respect I've told him outright I don't want to date right now. And I don't expect him to not date currently either - he's perfectly free to!

But really, it's all messing with my head in a way I don't feel equipped to deal with so chances are I'll probably go quiet and slowly walk away. Which is sad because if we dated I think we could have something really good. And if I'm going to walk away anyway then I'd rather try.

It's messing with my head!