DF is a functioning alcoholic, DM is at least an enabler although DBro who is living with them (currently in the process of moving out) says that she usually has at least 1 alcoholic drink a day too. Basically he says there isn't a day without alcohol be it just one g&t/can of beer or 10.
I live nearly 40 mins away so not around often enough to actually see it. The alcohol problem has escalated over the years. And DBro said that they make sure they are sober and the house is cleaned up for when I visit with DCs - although DF hasn't always been successful with the sober part.
I don't really talk about it with them much. I hate confrontation. A very selfish part of me also fears that if I start tackling it it will then be my responsibility to keep tabs on them which I just don't have the time or emotional capacity to manage at the moment. Over the years the drinking has been blamed on everyone and everything apart from themselves.
I've asked DM recently how DF is getting on with it she said he's better - in her eyes he's better because last year he went through a period of time where he would have 3-4 day benders and he doesn't do that any more so apparently it's much better. But he still drinks, most often alone when she's at work or throughout the day when he's at work or if he comes home early/in the day (self employed).
I know he sometimes fails to turn up for work and let's people down. DBro said sometimes he will be home in the day drinking and playing on the Xbox or calling distant relatives talking about his grand plans. Then he will have a manic week of back to back non stop work to try and catch up and meet deadlines and wipes himself out - deadlines he could've comfortably met if he stayed on track and organised.
They want my DCs on their own, I've never let it happen. But also haven't told them why as I don't want the drama. I also don't want them to turn around and say "we're sober now so we can have DCs" when I have no way of knowing as I'm not around them enough.
I find myself really strong from a distance but frankly terrible at asserting myself when I'm in front of them. I avoid subjects or just skirt around them. I can't face the imminent drama if I was to quite honestly say my reason for e.g. Never letting them have my DCs alone. I also can't face the atmosphere that would ensue - I find my DF quite intimidating - I'm not scared of him but when he's drunk and gets angry (which rarely happens he's usually quite a passive drunk) he insinuates threats (not to me or anything particular just vague noises - I don't know if this makes sense) and it just makes me think "what if" although my DBro who's lived in absolute hell with them for years says he would never follow through just tries to be the big alpha male.
I feel like it might all come to a head soon. DH works silly long hours through the week and our weekends are usually reserved for family time. DM is starting a new job soon mon-fri and has asked me to commit to a weekend day every couple of weeks or so when I come over. That won't work - DH is not willing to give up any of his time with his DCs for them. He's been NC with them for a year now for good reason.
I will see them at weekends if he's away for work or doing something else. So it might be once a month or less. Apart from that I am happy to visit them through the week after school with DCs - DMs work finishes 3-4 so could easily pop in for a couple of hours even once a week.
DM is saying this won't work due to my DFs work commitments (yes the self employed work that he sometimes blows off to drink or faff around - although as far as they're aware I have no idea about this).
I don't even know what I'm asking here but AIBU to stick to my/our guns? Do I need to be more direct with my approach? - DM has asked they have DCs if I work on a weekend day if I say I can't come because of work, I told them DH does stuff with them but the reality is I don't work weekends anymore and just use work as an excuse. And we would never leave DCs alone with them because of the drinking.
If it tell them the truth I think they will just go to greater lengths to disguise their problems.
Can any of you wise mumsnetters tell me WWYD in my situation and maybe a way to tackle this? - do I keep skirting around the subject and making up excuses or just tell them straight and deal with the potential fallout and avalanche of emotional blackmail that is very likely to follow?