Would you create an upheaval to your life in this situation

[AnxMummy10]

Background: English isnt my first language so apologies if I dont come across clearly. Moved abroad mid 20's with dh. We both are from a developing country so moving to a 'first world' country was a shock in every sense. This however afforded us the opportunity to travel, save (converted currency) and improve our lives so much. After a decade and 2 dc later we decided to move back to home country.

Moving back was another shock and our lives just seem to be in turmoil. There is good and bad.

Good: We are mid - late 30's and mortgage free in our dream home, we can afford private schooling and healthcare easily, I am a sahm parent, Dh has a very good job which is flexible. In short we are living the life we dreamed of, it reallt can't get better than this. We can both really retire before 40(we wont though). Just to paint a picture.

Bad: We came home to losing almost all our relationships with our friends and family. It seems as though our lifestyle has caused so much envy and jealousy that we have lost almost everyone. Dh and I are both introverts, so it's not as if we have ever boasted about our lifestyle/travels or anything. In fact, we have realised that we only needed if someone wants something (financially).
This has hurt us deeply as we genuinely are people who would help anyone.
What has hurt the most is last year we lost our 3rd DC late into my pregnancy, and we really saw peoples true colours.

DH and I feel the biggest mistake we made is moving back home. We are looking to leave again to another country. I'm exhausted from moving and making such a huge move. There are other reasons to wanting to move, after living in a very progressive country it is still extremely difficult to settle back home. I feel that we have gone backwards in many ways. I worry for my DC future etc.

I'm just feeling very at war within myself about what has happened. Shocked and hurt about how people have treated us, we are still grieving our loss.
I would up and leave, it's just that starting over again in a foreign place seems so overwhelming. I already have everything I wanted and more and to leave that , I dont want to regret another decision again.

Any advice is welcome.

Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss.

I haven’t been in your situation but it sounds very much as if you no longer fit in with your home country and will probably never feel at home there. Being geographically close to your family hast brought any benefits.

I would very carefully consider where you might be better able to settle and stay long term. It doesn’t have to be immediate but having a plan B could be a comfort even if you stay for another year or even several years. It may be too soon after your bereavement to actually make the move but it can be on the back burner.

Have you identified a place where you did feel happy and part of the community?

Yes, I would move.

It sounds like your kids would have a better life elsewhere and so would you. You and your DH seem to be on the same page about this.

It's a major hassle, but worthwhile, I think.

I'm from the UK and moved to another country in Europe. I no longer fit in in the UK, but will never quite fit perfectly here. I will stay here because it's the best for DS. To him it's home, he's fluent in the language, we are financially better off, and the education system is better with more opportunities and less debt.
Where will your children thrive the most?
Live there.

I would move too. Your family are toxic and you deserve better than them. Move and be happier.

I would move, but not immediately. I think you need time to rest and recover. Maybe start gently planning for a year's time?
I'm very sorry about your baby x

Op do you feel comfortable saying what country you are in now? What other country would you move to?

It sounds very difficult. From what I've heard there is always some culture shock and does take time. Are there any friends back home who you think might be better?

Is it possible for you to have some hobbies and ways to start making new friends? Or go somewhere else in your country?

If you have a good life for the children in terms of schooling then maybe it is worth it for a few years to really see if it is or isn't going to work.

I am also sorry for your loss.

In your shoes I would give it longer but don’t commit to staying there. You’ve had a tough time, be kind to yourself. Have you made any new friends through your DC’s school? If not then try to?

Thank you all for your kind words. Much more support than I have had for a long time.
We will only be realistically move in a year to 18months.

We just had the illusion of returning back home and raising our kids in a familiar and supportive environment. More fool us for believing this existed.
There isnt an option to move anywhere else in this place as we have really moved to the 'best' part.

Some examples: Dh close relative sent him a series of nasty emails about incidents when they were kids. These emails really attacked dh on such a vicious level. All this not long after we suffered our loss. Found out this was due to dh not wanting to assist this relatives parent with some financial issues. This is someone again that my dh had done alot for.

My closest friend, who I considered a sister and lives 5 min away couldn't make the time to visit me in 8 months since everything happened. She cancelled on me 6 times with the flimsiest of excuses. I cant get over this from someone who I have been there for in her worst times.

Just feeling very down thinking of all these things.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. A good general piece of advice is not to make any big life changes for 2 years after a bereavement, to avoid making a snap decision you will regret. Pls take some time to research the options and think it through?
I am not in your position but I recognise the sense of not feeling at home in your home country anymore. It is very sad you have been let down by family and friends. However is there the opportunity to create a new support group of peers where you are? Are there any local support groups for bereaved parents?
If not is there another country that would feel like home that you could realistically relocate to, in terms of jobs, money and immigration?

Hi OP, sorry for your loss. First, you don't have to make a decision right away. I too have moved countries and have lived in two developing countries in the last 5 years before moving to the UK.

Clearly, your family is not offering you the social and emotional support. Is it possible for you to cut off ties from your current social group and find people who are more aligned with you? Can you make friends with other expats? Or people like you who have lived abroad and moved back home? Will it be possible for you to live the life the way you would like to live without social and emotional constraints in your home country? If you are able to form new social bonds and place firm boundaries on your current friends and family who are being bitter ( which I admit is not going to be easy but worth it) then I would recommend you stay back, make new friends and enjoy your life. Can you move to a different/ more mordern part of your country...somewhere where it will be easier to live and find people who are of same wavelength? Pay no heed to all the others who do not wish you well. Just leave them behind and go forward with your lives.

If however, you do feel the society and friends and family around are going to continue to have a negative influence despite how hard you want to move forward and enjoy your life then I would say start making plans to move away. You don't have to do it right this minute. Take your time, do not mention your plans to the bitter family and friends. Your home country is clearly no longer your home. Now, you get to decide where you want to settle down and make your new home. Is there any other country that you have tires ties to? Do you have family or friends in any other country that you would like to spend time with? This move could potentially mean less luxurious life because you don't have the advantage of the currency conversion, or retire early etc but it would be worth it just to be able to live the life you want surrounded by the kind of people who you appreciate.

Take time and decide what works best for you. Good luck...I wish you well.