AIBU to be worried about dying?

[yarncakes]

Sorry this is a morbid question but all my life, I've always been afraid of dying. This is why I have health anxiety and generalised anxiety as well. It has got a lot worse this year due to this pandemic.

The thing is I am just telling myself I don't understand why I am afraid of dying? Because the fact is that I have no reason to live any more and that is the truth. I've got no friends whatsoever, bar 2. But even they have their own life and their own friends. I haven't had a single phone call or text from any of my family ever since moving nearly a year ago. The only person I talk to is my parent. Everything I do, I do it all alone. I don't remember the last time I sat down and had a coffee with someone. If I do, it's always with my husband.

Same shit day in and day out. Drop child off to school, I go to work in a shitty, minimum wage job, I come home, do the usual duties, fret and get anxious and scared (thinking I have coronavirus of course... Every single time), go bed. Same again over and over.

I understand people not wanting to die because they've got their whole life ahead of them. A good job. Good money. Good friends and family. They're the ones who deserve to live. I've literally got nothing to live for. So I don't understand why I'm sitting here trying to accept my fate in case I do end up dying of something...of covid even, although the chances are so low. Its hard to think positive.

I think you need help, OP. It’s unusual to feel you have nothing to live for when you have a child and a husband, and those feelings of hopelessness and pointlessness suggest a deeper issue of perhaps depression, or health anxiety so powerful it’s preventing you from seeing the value of your own life.

You deserve to feel better than this. I would strongly encourage you to speak to your GP about how you are feeling.

I've tried accessing help but I can't even get an appointment over the phone with the GP and what makes it even harder is that I am hearing impaired so trying to listen over the phone and even in perfect when they have their masks on is so difficult. I think that's another reason why I'm so isolated

I can imagine that makes things very difficult

Do you have the resources for private therapy? Things like CBT can be really helpful for health anxiety. Some sessions are now in person, and others use Skye / zoom etc which might be easier for you to hear, and your therapist won’t need to wear a mask.

In the meantime, you might also want to look at a website called mine gym.com - it has some good resources for mental health and wellbeing.

Talking and thinking about death in a philosophical sense, is, I think, good for us and too few people do it.

Ruminating and over thinking your own death is not so helpful.

I try to categorise the two differences in my head a) yes, one day I will die and what do I think about that and b) I think I have cancer and I am going to die soon.

Too much thinking of category b can lead to anxiety and depression and impacts on the life we have today which sounds like where you are now.

The reality is that how we think can be affected by us and can change given the right help and support.

You have 2 friends, a parent, a husband and a child...I thought when you said you were alone, I thought actually alone. You're focusing on what you don't have rather than what you do have which sounds really quite normal to me. I agree you need to see your doctor and ask for help.

Am sorry Yarncakes sounds like you are suffering from depression. Might be a good idea to chat with your doctor about how you are feeling. What is your relationship like with your husband? And what about your work colleagues? You could do with making one or two friends where you are. Would you be willing to join a group of some sort to get to know other people. I think we all think about death from time to time and it is rather a scary thought. You do have a lot to live for even though you may not think so at the moment. You have your child, your husband, a job but you could do with a couple of friends and some fun in your life too x

I have pretty severe death anxiety, I have done since my late teens. However from what you're describing I do think you are more than likely depressed rather than suffering from death anxiety as such.

You state you have no friends, apart from 2.

But that sentence could be "I have 2 friends"

I have Noone to go for coffee with, it's always just me husband.

Again, you have your husband to go for coffee with.

You're focusing on what you don't have.

Do you work for a large company OP? Or does your husband? Often large companies will have an Employee Assistance Program that staff and their spouses can access. You can typically ring or email. Ours gives access to an initial consultation and then will refer for counselling sessions if needed, my organisation will arrange 6 sessions of counselling per year, per issue. My last employer would pay for 4 sessions.

Alternatively, given you are hearing impaired, coiod you write to your GP surgery stating you need an in person GP meeting and due to be hearing impaired this wouod be a reasonable adjustment to expect a face to face meeting.

Good luck with it OP, depression is serious and I hope you are able to access some help.

Is your child not worth living for?

On paper you have more to live for than I do. I have no children. You do. I agree that you need to see your doctor.

I'm so sorry your are feeling like this OP. Gps are seeing people face to face in certain circumstances. I think its crucial you have an appointment with one. Ring up, try to be assertive and insist you have an appointment in person. You don't have to give the reason just explain your hearing issue to the receptionist. If you feel comfortable telling them some info you could tell them you are feeling very depressed. I have felt like you in the past for several years actually. CBT and councilling helped. I wish I'd asked for help sooner but that was due to feeling so worthless. Please ask for help. X

Hi all. Thank you so much for replying I really appreciate them. Of course my child is worth living for he is my world, but it is all in my head that's all. I can't help feeling like this and I try my hardest to block it out but I just can't. I only work for a small company so not a huge one, very dead end it is and just about pays the bills. I appreciate I have friends but I never see them, that's the downfall. x