I split up with my ex two years ago. We were together for six years and lived together for five.
I’m happy, have a baby and a partner, but I’ve had this anger recently that seems to have taken over my brain.
He left me while I was in a very bad place mentally and under the crisis team. He left me for a younger woman (21) and then gaslighted me into feeling bad for feeling bad about it (?!). It was an unhappy, sexless and financially abusive relationship and I’ve recently found out he was cheating on me with multiple women while I was struggling.
It’s not even that that bothers me - it’s just the anger I feel towards never getting closure. I don’t even know what closure I needed - but something more than being hurt and ignored and accepting of being left for someone else.
Recently finding out things has definitely erupted something inside me and I just feel like I need to get things off of my chest. But I know also that it is 3:30am and I probably shouldn’t and it will probably be pointless anyway. So I’m also just tempted to delete it because now I have written it out, I feel a lot better.
Anyway, this is what I have written:
I have been umm-ing and ahh-ing over whether to write this for weeks, and I’ve finally found the courage to do it. In fact, I feel like I need to do it.
I know everything.
I know that you were cheating on me with OW, and that you were speaking to her and asking to take her out at least a month before you split with me. I know you made your relationship private on Facebook and deleted photos of us to pretend you were single. I know you told people we had split two months before, and that you were sofa surfing. I know that the night you went out, and didn’t come home, your friend wasn’t in the hospital. I know that it wasn’t a ‘lads night out’. I know you were doing cocaine at work. I know you were sleeping/being physically sexual with at least three other women in your work toilets.
I want you to know that you hurt me and that you treated me badly. I never got a proper apology from you and you gaslighted me into feeling bad for being upset that you had left me for someone else. I want you to know that for years you made me feel worthless, unattractive, lonely and unwanted. I want you to know that you affected my confidence and that it has had long-term affects on how I feel about myself and how I think others see me. I want you to know that I never felt supported. I always did things alone. I was never a priority.
But I need you to know that the way you treated me was not okay. It really wasn’t. And I hope you don’t make another woman feel the way I did.
You lied to me. Over and over again. You made me feel rejected and unattractive. I supported you financially for so long, and as soon as you got a new job and started making your own money you cheated and lied, and came back to our home every night with no guilt. As soon as our tenancy was up, you threw me away, moved on immediately, ignored me, lied continuously, and lied to OW, and left me on my own to deal with everything. You gave me no closure. I didn’t understand, how you’d just turned into someone I didn’t know in such a short time.
I am reaching out to you because I need to give myself closure. While I have moved on, and am in a happy relationship with whom we have a gorgeous little boy together, I am still holding onto anger and resentment that I want to let go of. I know this is because after such a long relationship, I never got answers or even the decency of a proper conversation. I feel I was owed more than that.
It’s in the past and I want you to know I do not feel hurt. I do not feel anything towards you. I am writing this because I need to say these things or I never will.
As I write this, I already feel like a weight has lifted from my shoulders.
I don’t expect a reply or even an acknowledgement. Maybe you’ll delete this email as soon as you see my name, or maybe it’ll end up in your junk and you’ll never know about it.
Regardless of everything, I wish you the best and I hope that you are a good person and that you find happiness (or that you’ve already found it).
Take care,
So, what’s the verdict?
YABU: Delete it
YANBU: Send it!
YABVVVVVU: Go to bloody bed woman!