AIBU - or rather 'Am I being an interfering old bag'?

[Startofschool]

Daughter just started at senior school. Has had some problems with bullying in previous school - largely behind her now, but keen to avoid a repeat. Four days in, she says everyone is in friendship groups already and she's on her own. She said she spent this lunch-hour in her classroom watching videos on one of the school iPads.

By way of background, she is a complete screen addict anyway and I spend half my life getting her off one screen or another. I'm a bit worried that because screens are 'easier' than human interaction, she's using screens to avoid making friends.

I am tempted to write to her form teacher and say 'she's not naturally sociable - please can you encourage her off the iPad and to talk to people', but not sure whether I'm going to come across like a fussy old bag. Is it too soon to interfere? Or should I be managing it at home? (My first attempt did not go well - she just thought I was criticising her at a vulnerable time).

Thoughts please?

I think you should speak to the school and ask them to help her, but they can support in ways which does not make it obvious that they are “interfering”.

If she is happy I'd leave it. She will find her tribe it's still early days

Thanks - I had a horrible time at senior school, so am probably excessively paranoid. Think I'll give it a week or so and see what happens (against all my micromanaging instincts!)

I spent most of the first year at secondary school standing on my own on in the playground waiting for my one friend to come out of lunch (we were assigned to different sittings). Being able to stay indoors on an iPad (or even with a book) would have helped me view myself as someone happy in their own company rather than as a freak; it would have made my secondary years far easier.

There is no guarantee she will find her own tribe in fact she may prefer to be part of a social group but be unable to achieve it. No one wants to sit on their own day after day.

Op, what has she been taught about socialisation, how to make friends interact, talk to people?

I would speak to the school. I did after my daughter's first two weeks - she was alone at break times and really upset. The school were fabulous, really kept an eye on her and introduced her to lunchtime activity clubs. Two years on and my daughter is thriving. Good luck.

These sorts of issues are very common at school and if the school has good pastoral care they will have strategies for helping your daughter. My son had the same issue, is happily settled now with good friendship groups but it took time. The school really helped. Give them a ring, they can handle it very discretely. Hope things improve for her soon.

I would see how things go for while, and not be phoning the school at all.

I would talk to school.

My own daughter started secondary last week and she knows quite a few girls already as two others are from primary school and some she knows from the area. I told her on her first day that if she noticed any other girls sitting on their own to introduce herself and invite them to join her group or to sit with them on her own in case they’re more introvert.

Hope she meets new friends op

Talk to the head of year or the form tutor. This is the kind of thing they can help with and early help is better. They will just ask a nice group to invite her to lunch etc and to sit with them. If you leave it, it will look like you've interfered and will be more obvious, where if you do it in the first week, it will seem that the teachers are just encouraging her.

I’ve been a form tutor and I would say speak to the form tutor. Often there are many subtle ways that they can help in situations like this. clubs might not be up and running in their usual way due to the current situation but there’s other things they can do.

There is no guarantee she will find her own tribe in fact she may prefer to be part of a social group but be unable to achieve it. No one wants to sit on their own day after day.

I don't agree with this at all, and think it's only going to add to OP's worry so I'm not sure why anyone would say it. I remember when I was in college I used to go into the toilet for a few days minutes before I walked into town for my lunch so I wasn't walking with anyone from my class. As nice as they were after spending all day with them I 100% would have rather sat on my own!

Thank you everyone. She seems to have had a better day today, but think I will mention it gently to the form tutor. It's a lovely school and they encourage parents to raise problems with them. Maybe easier to address now than if it becomes a 'thing'....

@SmellsLikeFeet

If she is happy I'd leave it. She will find her tribe it's still early days

Not necessarily. My dd would long to be one of a group, but never put herself forward unless she was really asked to join them. She'd assume she wasn't wanted. I was very grateful to a girl in year 7 who decided to drag her along (and they then did get friendly) otherwise she would have spent 5 years of school reading in the library and avoiding people.

Now's the time to act. Send a quick email, and ask them not to tell her, but is there another girl they could be paired with to do something together.

Please contact form tutor and/or head of year. It's what we're here for!