To ask how to deal with people who always butt in to conversations and take over?

[UnacceptableOrNot]

On the school run this morning I was chatting to the mum of one of DS's friends when a friend of mine, who is a very self absorbed person, came blustering over, and totally took over the conversation, engaging the mum I was talking to and cutting me out of the conversation totally.

Said friend always does this. To be honest she's not much of a friend and I do keep my distance from her these days, but if ever I am talking to anyone else she comes over, butts in talking about herself, and totally takes over the conversation so that I may as well not be there. I couldn't get a word in edgeways this morning after she started talking. And she is so self absorbed going on about herself that everyone has to listen!

How can I deal with this? I really cannot face another school year of her taking over every conversation I have with anyone. She's even done it before when I was having a word with the teacher!

Does she do it on purpose or is she just self absorbed? I think apart from avoiding her you just have to say “as I was saying before you interrupted” or “gosh you’re full of beans this morning aren’t you ‘friend’? Or “friend gets so overexcited don’t you friend?”
Or be blunt and say “can you hold on a moment as we were already talking?” Then ignore her

She sounds lonely & needy. Could you not include her in the conversation but be more assertive about your part in it?

If she feels she doesn't have to push so hard to be included, maybe she would calm down a bit and start acting normally.

You need to disarm her with a bit of humour, I think.

When she approaches, you can head her off by saying, “Claire and I were just discussing X”, which might make her think twice about hijacking the conversation but allows her to be involved.

Or, you and the other mum need to get clever about waiting for her to take a breath then saying, “anyway, back to X”. She will get the message eventually.

I think that some people genuinely don’t realise that their conversation is “me me me”. I can’t understand, it but maybe they never learned social skills.

Are you confident enough to just stop her and say something like 'do you mind if I finish what I was saying before you start?' maybe no one has ever challenged her before, might put her in her place a bit. Or when she stops for air just quickly ask your other friend a question and take over?

I sometimes do this, I know I do it but can’t stop it, it’s mainly nerves. Hopefully you won’t embarrass her like the other posters suggested but maybe just go back to your original conversation and hopefully she will realise.

Laugh and say 'Hi, X, hold on a minute. Y and I are just in the middle of a conversation'.
If she continues, then 'Sorry, X, Y and I haven't quite finished. Give us a few minutes.'
If she continues again - ' What is so life and death that we can't finish our conversation first? Go on'.
Then, assuming it isn't life and death, when she has finished, don't respond to what she has said. Just look at her quizzically and restart your conversation, bringing her in to the topic at hand by all means.

It may need you to continue talking over her (and loudly) if necessary.

DD had a teacher who used to say 'thank you for letting me finish' when interrupted and continue the conversation/lesson. I am more of the 'I haven't finished' but I think their phrase is more polite!

I've seen it described on MN as being set on 'broadcast' all the time - they just talk and don't take in other people's news.

Great suggestions here but please don't prefix with "sorry". You have nothing to be sorry for!

Be firm. You can tell her you were talking to your friends without being rude. Try it!

I've done it before - I say "oy, we were talking, don't just come and interrupt!". Makes them stop and think. Idiots!

@Mintjulia

She sounds lonely & needy. Could you not include her in the conversation but be more assertive about your part in it?

If she feels she doesn't have to push so hard to be included, maybe she would calm down a bit and start acting normally.

Or just rude?

@Mywifeandkids1

I sometimes do this, I know I do it but can’t stop it, it’s mainly nerves. Hopefully you won’t embarrass her like the other posters suggested but maybe just go back to your original conversation and hopefully she will realise.

Why can't you stop? If you know you're going to interrupt, don't go over till they've finished

can you just stare at her in shock, that she's had the gall to butt in, then say, "Jennyyyyyyyy" we're in the middle of a conversation, can you just hang on ... I'd even put the palm of my hand up whilst saying it, if she can be so rude to do it, then right back atcha with my attitude

@Mywifeandkids1 if you know you do it then you need to train yourself to stop, as even if you think it's nerves, people you're doing it to won't see it like that. Also by the time the interrupter has finished, the moment has gone to go back to your original convo

You could say 'just let me finish this or I'll forget what I was saying '
So the negative is on you and it doesn't sound too rude to her but points out that she IS butting in ?

@bumbleb33s obviously I try. Social anxiety is a real thing and it sounds like this person struggles with it. She may just be rude though but you never know.

Mywife I don't mean to be rude, but I would have thought social anxiety would make a person more likely to stay quiet? Or is it more difficulty in picking up on social cues?

@Mywifeandkids1 yeah I understand that and it's must be difficult, sorry if I sounded harsh. Agree, she may just be rude also.

My best friend was just like this, interrupting all the time, sometimes I'd leave it, as she was a gorgeous person and never meant any harm, and sometimes I'd tell her, in a jokey way so I didn't upset her, to shut the F up a minute and we laughed about it but she took the hint and reigned it in.

However, as the OP doesn't particularly like this person, I'd go in with butting right back in. :)

@PolloDePrimavera 100% social queues, If I see someone I know I try and plan what to say before I’m even near them, it’s awful, if someone jokingly told me to shut the f up, I’d be fine with that, if someone bluntly said please let me finish my conversation then you can speak I’d want the ground to swallow me up and never speak again 😳

Ah ok I see. Thanks for explaining 👍

Even if the interrupter suffers from social anxiety or is lonely/needy or whatever, the OP doesn’t have to put up with her behaviour for the remainder of her kids’ time at school. Why should she?

She can be kind about it, but there’s no reason why she shouldn’t address the interrupter’s behaviour.

"Excuse me, we were talking
Excuse me, i wasnt finished yet
Sorry Jolene, we were in the middle of something
Sorry jolene would you mind fucking off as you are very annoying 😅

just say, do you mind i was talking....every time

she does it because you let her op

@PolloDePrimavera If you have social anxiety you probably haven't had as much experience as other people of social situations, so you're trying to learn in your 20s (or 30s .. or 60s) behaviour that other people learned in their teens or earlier.

And because you're not up to their standard, they don't like you and don't include you if they can avoid it, so the learning tends to be slow.