AIBU to want my husband to tell me im a good mum

[Eolhc1990]

Maybe this is completely unreasonable but it's been bothering me lately.
My husband and I have been married for 2 years and have a 3 month old baby girl. My husband is a very good dad and I tell him this often and thank him for everything he does for us. I am exclusively breastfeeding so he looks after most of the cooking and cleaning and always takes the baby to give me a rest, however I do almost all of the baby stuff, feeding aside, all nappies, baths, clothes changes, getting down for naps, playtime, tummy time, night time wake ups are all me. I don't really mind this because he works (only 2 days a wk during covid) but he helps any time I ask him to however he never tells me I am doing a good job, or that I am a good mum.
I know I am a good mum but sometimes I just need reassurance I guess.
I mean he kind of tells me with his actions, like he always brings me chocolate and water when I am feeding etc and tells me that he loves me but is it unreasonable to want to hear those words from him?

Well actions speak louder then words. I don,t think I have ever been told I am a good mum by my husband and don,t think I ever heard my dad call my mum a good mum. Doesn,t mean they don,t believe it.. Perhaps you need to be more direct and ask him what he thinks ?

@june2007 yes you are prob right. I go out of my way to thank him for all he does and tell him he's doing a good job because I think it's nice to feel appreciated. But just because he doesn't say it doesn't mean he doesnt think it I guess.

My dh didn’t tell me this until I broke my leg and he had to take over. Reality kicked him in the arse and he was singing my praises because he had to cope as I was hospitalised.

Honestly? I think it's weird to want/need/give praise to tour other half on their parenting.

He sounds wonderfully supportive, most likely because he knows you're doing a great job and need a break. It wouldn't hurt to ask him if its bothering you, perhaps he feels he shows it in his actions already so hasn't needed to specifically verbalise it

Have you told him this?

It might be worth doing some reading on the Five Love Languages- it sounds hokey but it’s a useful framework. Sounds like you want particular words of affirmation but he’s giving you acts of service- neither are wrong but if a particular expression is important to you you might need to ask for it.

I think this is a classic case of you having different "love languages" that you use to express love for one another. It seems like your love language is "words of affirmation" whereas his is "acts of service" and you are both 'giving' in the way you like to 'receive' but havent actually explicitly told each other how you feel most appreciated.

So if your husband's love language is acts of service, he sees doing the household chores an an act of love whereas you view it as him just doing household duties. Likewise, when you use your words of affirmation, he just views it as you passing comment and saying something nice rather than an act of love and appreciation.

I've never told my DH he's a good dad and I don't recall him telling me I'm a good mum... but I really don't need him to tell me.

I know I do the best I can and my DC are now 18 and 20 and they know I'm a fuss mum. They tell me I'm the best and they're the ones it really matters to the midst in my opinion.

My mum would say I'm doing a great job when the DC were younger and she still does... but she is quite intuned with these things.. and I did appreciate hearing it from her as well.

Have a google of “5 love languages”. From memory, sounds like you want words of affirmation, but he gives acts of service.

Personally, I’d find it needy if my partner wanted praise from me, and I’d feel patronised if he gave it!

We all express and want love differently - so I’d start by looking at that.

@riotlady cross posted with the same two types 🙌🏻

I think as long as you know you're a good mum you don't need forced praise.. I know I'm a fantastic mum to my little girl, she's kind and happy and respectful and has beautiful manners and I know that's down to me.. I don't need others to praise me for reassurance. You're a good mum. Your self belief is enough to not warrant praise from others, and that aside I wholeheartedly believe your husband believes you're a good mum too.

Is he vocal about things usually? Does he often say he loves, you look beautiful etc? Some people aren’t big expresses of feelings and other people need to have things specifically vocalised, when those two types meet they need to be completely honest about what they need and try to understand how to support each other. Do you know about the 5 love languages?

The water and chocolate are nice but why wasn’t he getting much more involved when he was only working two days a week? Nappies, playing, bathing etc are all basic things and he should be doing them, no matter how many days he’s working now.

DH tells me often that I’m a good mum and I tell him he’s a good dad, but we’re both similar in that we say things like that out loud. Yours may be thinking it often and assuming his actions show his appreciation. But he may also need to buck up his ideas about what the daily grind of parenting actually looks and feels like and it sounds like he may not know. It’s great he supports you but he’s an equal parent to your shared child and if he did a bit more he might get a better understanding of what you’re doing day in day out.

I think you need to ask yourself why you need his praise. You shouldn't need him to tell you, that you are a good mum. You are doing all you can so believe in yourself and also stop praising him. You are both adults not children that need positive reinforcement

That took ages to write, see others have mentioned love languages! Definitely worth a look OP.

You tell him he is a very good dad when he doesn't do anything with the baby? No nappies, baths, changes, night-time?

He might be a good partner supporting you, but you need to step back and let him, or ask him, to participate in the baby stuff too to get the good dad bit. It will make a huge difference in the long term if you get him hands on now.

Thanks for all your responses. He is very vocal in other things like always says "I love you" and tells me I look beautiful.
I should just be happy with how much support and help he gives me... says more about me that I need the validation but I'm a FTM in the middle of a pandemic. Im a bit more needy than normal i think.
Definitely going to look into that love language I never heard of it so thank you! It sounds interesting.
Yeah he could more with the baby, he tends to take her after I have got her to sleep rather than hard stuff when she's awake, however it's something we have discussed and he is trying harder now.