Why does a person turn abusive in different relationships?

[ohwowwwwwww]

I was with someone for years and he was lazy, a leech, and a cheat. Of course he started off all lovely and I was insecure and stayed with him knowing that this relationship wasn’t healthy and I was unhappy. But he was never violent with me or sexually/verbally abusive. He broke up with me and moved onto another woman within two weeks and they were together for a year. In conversation with a friend I’d heard the pair split up and me being nosey took a look on her Instagram account, where I saw lots about how he physically abused her, pressured her into sex, made her cry most days, and how he’s still abusing her online now that she’s left. I 100% believe her, this isn’t a post to question whether she’s lying.

But it just makes me question - Why her? He wasn’t a great person but it was more his characteristics and laziness than anything (and the cheating, which I didn’t find out until a lot later). But I could never picture him being violently/sexually abusive. Again, I DO believe her and am not question it.

I’m just wondering - can a person turn into an abuser in new relationships - and if so, why?, or have they always been an abuser?

My ex forced himself on me, broke my ribs, left me with black eyes, cut inside my mouth under my tongue to apparently stop me screaming which worked as I passed out (utter fucking pyschopath). Apparently hes a wonderful partner to his current fiance. I do not understand it.

Should have put passed out then couldn't talk. Like he had bloody thought it through. Hate that man.

@pushkinsinsanity

What about when they are abusive with one person and then not the next ?

I don't believe people change, not in this way. So whilst you may not see/hear about the abuse, there will abuse going on or about to begin.

I went out with a guy while I was at University who chipped away at my confidence and happiness so he could control how I behaved/where I went etc. it began with almost-nothing comments that I couldn't quite work out and ended with him beating me so badly I spent three nights in our local ICU. We're twenty years down the line and I would be willing to bet a considerable sum that he's still manipulating whoever he's with. Perhaps in different ways, perhaps it's better hidden. But abusers don't stop being abusers.

He went on to remarry and there hasn’t been even a hint of abuse there almost 30 years on. I wonder if it’s actually because his second wife doesn’t characterise his behaviour as abusive or whether it’s because she’s naturally more “compliant” and so he doesn’t feel the same need to control?

No one on my exh's side would ever have guessed he was abusive - he put on a good front and so did I. Everyone thought (and still thinks) him marvellous, but the truth is that he's horrific and I'm still terrified of him. To this day, I've told few people other than professionals anything he's done. He and his new woman now put on a good show - but I know that things are terrible there too because my child tells me. No one else would ever guess. The perfect couple.

You can never be sure that the "reformed" abuser isn't a horror behind closed doors.

I do not understand believe it.

Fixed that for you.

I don't believe people change, not in this way. So whilst you may not see/hear about the abuse, there will abuse going on or about to begin.

No. Not always. I know the couple well enough to know it's not the case.
You don't know them so have no idea.

I lived with my dad and his 2nd wife when I was a teenager/early twenties.

He 100% was a different man than he was with my mother. If anything, wifey No.2 was the mean one. People do change but I just don't think they can change with the person they have abused. If they did it once with them and got away with it....

I agree that if they start down that path with you, they won't change, Chest.

Hermione, the bit about cutting under your tongue makes my blood run cold. Thank God you're away from him.

@pushkinsinsanity

I don't believe people change, not in this way. So whilst you may not see/hear about the abuse, there will abuse going on or about to begin.

No. Not always. I know the couple well enough to know it's not the case.
You don't know them so have no idea.

Unless you're one of the people in that relationship I really don't see how you can guarantee it with absolute certainty.

So many people on here have been blindsided when abuse has come to light because they simply didn't see it despite being close. So many threads on here begin and end with "I believed he had changed" and "it didn't start like this". So many people are damaged by that absolute faith that a person can and will change.

I prefer to accept that some people simply aren't capable of change and are therefore to be avoided.

@pushkinsinsanity

I don't believe people change, not in this way. So whilst you may not see/hear about the abuse, there will abuse going on or about to begin.

No. Not always. I know the couple well enough to know it's not the case.
You don't know them so have no idea.

I've just read back what I wrote and it comes over very bold and unwilling to accept your opinion. Apologies - I don't mean to ignore your version and dismiss you.

I think I'm just very, very cynical towards abuse and it makes me closed-off to others opinions and experiences. I'll have a word with myself.

Of course people are capable of change. Normally to change people have to accept on some level that their behaviour was wrong and want to change but also as we get older it is human nature to calm down, mature and mellow a bit. It's also true that some people will never change and the best indication of future behaviour is past behaviour.

Human beings and relationships are complex. Someone can absolutely be abusive in one relationship but not the next. It's also true that abusive behaviour can take time to show itself.

My DH had a very toxic relationship with his ex, lots of screaming, aggression, she stabbed him in the arm in front of the kids, tried to run him over, yet always managed to get DH arrested(thankfully never charged!). He was very open and honest about his part in the toxicity from the off with me and I said I just won’t tolerate it, I’m low drama and I’ll just cut you off if you cause me stress.
In over five years together he has never once raised his voice, never gaslighted me, apologises when he’s wrong, we’ve never actually argued. He is the most emotionally intelligent man I’ve ever met. I’d love to say I’m really quiet and don’t confront him but I’m really not! I’m a handful and very very opinionated.

I think most abusers are manipulators and will ultimately have a line where they believe their behaviour can be tolerated to.

A lot of the time, if a woman is more easy to manipulate it's that much easier for a man to be his evil fucking self.

A woman with a bit of a mouth on her, but a poor self worth, well, he can manipulate everyone around them both to believe that she is the problem and he is so soft and misunderstood!! Of course he is not!

I know abusers who are viewed as weak and dragged around by women, always too soft, wouldnt hurt a fly! Such a nice bloke! So kind. Except he is a prolific abuser, ofcourse, no one ever believes that he is the problem.... it's always the women.

@StormBaby,
In over five years together he has never once raised his voice, never gaslighted me, apologises when he’s wrong, we’ve never actually argued.

Yet.

When you do argue is when it will happen.

I left Facebook years ago, but this remimded me of it.

A woman I went to school with, posted a lot about her partner, with photo upon photo.

The wonderful flowers, the expensive hotels he booked, the amazing house they bought.

I can still see the photo of him & his 3 children, her with her 3, as they stood beaming at an outdoor photoshoot, with a beautiful backdrop of scenery.

She gushed and gushed about how life was so perfect now.

After a couple of years of this constant image, bam - she simply posted, He's gone, I have had the worst 2 years of my life and I was too ashamed to say anything. He was abusive.

I was so shocked. A lot happens behind closed doors.

...years together he has never once raised his voice, never gaslighted me, apologises when he’s wrong, we’ve never actually argued.

What happened to me is similar, there was gaslighting but it was subtle - I didn't recognise it for ages. When I confronted him, I saw the real him.

I was with my ex for many years and he was never violent, gaslighting and manipulative yes, he left me for the OW there were drugs and a lot more alcohol in that relationship, also I think she was a lot more outspoken than me and challenged him, that’s when he turned violent.

He’s with someone else now and seams totally loved up so it seams like he’s gone the other way - time will tell.

My abusive ex hasn’t changed. he was an abusive twat to me and he’s the same to his new partner.

When you do argue is when it will happen

Definitely was the case in my past relationship. But sometimes it can work differently, quieter partners may be perceived as easier targets or as passive thereby triggering frustrations and conflict escalation. I don't think it's predictable and it's never the victim's doing - it's the partners' inability to communicate with each other in the way that works and the aggressive partner's issues with uncontrolled anger that are at the core of it IMO. The dynamic might be different in different relationships but I think those aggressive tendencies always stay there, maybe for some they are dormant.

*A woman with a bit of a mouth on her, but a poor self worth, well, he can manipulate everyone around them both to believe that she is the problem and he is so soft and misunderstood!! Of course he is not!

I know abusers who are viewed as weak and dragged around by women, always too soft, wouldnt hurt a fly! Such a nice bloke! So kind. Except he is a prolific abuser, ofcourse, no one ever believes that he is the problem.... it's always the women.*

This x100. I was that woman in that relationship once. Interestingly, the only people that at the time believed me were his mother and nan. Possibly because they experienced that aggressive streak themselves. The truth comes out though.

I don't think men like this change BUT sometimes different personalities mean a different dynamic in the relationship.

I am absolutely not victim blaming but it might be that new partner is more compliant by nature and he doesn't feel the need to try and break her spirit in the same way. Or she might be a very robust, bolshy character who flatly refuses to be bullied.

@FuckOffYourself or, the ex was the problem all along? We had a disagreement yesterday just before I posted. We sat down and had a pretty heated discussion, I told him he was wrong, he told me something I’d said had made him angry, we both apologised and cuddled up on the sofa.

With his ex that would’ve ended up in a screaming match with her throwing stuff at him and slamming his arm in a door repeatedly in front of all the kids. The children have told me what they used to witness. It is what it is. 🤔

We pulled up to the house the other day and the new bloke was sat, head bowed, on the sofa and she was standing over him screaming.

I think it escalates if anything. My ex partner was horrific after we broke up, stalking, harassing, phone hacking, shrines publicly and eventually assaulted me after kicking my door in. We had a few disagreements in the relationship but he simply wasnt for me and I ended it. I didnt see the abusive behaviour coming until it was right on top of me.
The woman before me also ended that relationship and he stalked and harassed her but didnt assault her. I didnt find this out until she got in touch months after I got the police involved.

The new one he is totally loved up with and it seems mutual but I am genuinely worried for her IF she ends it. If she doesnt I'm sure he will continue to be nice (if a bit lazy and dull). For him being dumped is clearly a huge issue that sparks off terrible abusive behaviour