I'm I being too harsh with DS contact

[BonnieBleu]

DS is 6 and has a poor relationship with his dad. Mostly due to his dad being inconsistent with contact. After 6 years of inconsistent contact it's honestly such a draining thing, and I can't wait till DS is old enough to sort it himself.

DS's dad and paternal grandmother generally only "pop up" on "special occasions". So they suddenly want contact and it's not too long before they essentially disappear, until it's a birthday or Christmas.
I have sorted child maintenance through CSA this year and it seems to have upped dad "wanting contact". His paternal family (for reasons unknown to me) have not seen DS since January 2019, just to give an idea of how long they can go without bothering with him. They never ask to see DS. Since about April this year his dad started sending me messages asking to ring DS every day and going on about how I can't keep him from DS. I was very firm in that I didn't think it was in DS's best interests to go from having had no contact from his dad, to calls everyday and asked that he start at a phone call once a week.
Initially I suggested a Sunday and gave an hour slot as this also helps me in ensuring I make DS available. Ex wasn't happy with this as essentially I think he wants to call as and when. I then suggested Monday in the short term as schools were closed and explained that this would need to change to Sunday when back at school.. So we've been doing Mondays and have now reverted to Sunday's as schools are open.
Today is the first Sunday and surprise surprise he hasn't called DS or even sent a message.
We've instead had a call from paternal grandma, saying she misses DS and wants to see him as it's his birthday next week.

I'm abit anxious because of COVID restrictions (paternal grandma if I remember correctly lives in an area currently under lockdown measures)
I am also 29 weeks pregnant so feeling quiet vulnerable re. Covid anyway.
I felt forced to say yes to meeting in a park near our home, and gave her a few possible dates but when I've asked her who she is coming with and if she's okay following measures in place, she's basically only replied saying "I'll look at the dates when I'm back home Cos I'm out for the rest of the day"

I'm also feeling a bit worried for my son as I feel this may just be a one time visit and then she doesn't bother with him again.
Just feel at a loss for what to do as they always blame me for ex not seeing DS, despite me never having said no. All I've ever asked for is consistent frequency for telephone calls/ face to face contact.

Honestly, I know tons of people bang on about how families ‘must’ have contact with children, but this isn’t doing your son any good.

If his dad wants proper, regular contact then he needs to go to court and a) answer questions as to why he’s been so absent and b) show that he’s willing. My guess is he’ll do neither.

What does your son want? Does he want to speak to his dad every week? Or is he ok not doing it? Does he want to see his paternal family?

You can block the grandmother, she has no rights or ability to pressure you into anything. You need to work out your son’s relationship with his father first.

I know so well how stressful this is, but you can be assertive and protect your child if that’s for the best. Contact with a stranger isn’t always the best option.

Agree with the above post that while many people believe that children should have contact with the NRP “no matter what” imo that’s not always the case when the NRP is unreliable/abusive tendencies/very narcissistic.

I would stand firm with these people because someone needs to put your child first and they sure as hell won’t.

Also they blame you because it’s easier than blaming him. Because if they blamed him they’d maybe feel they were partly responsible for him turning into such a shitty adult and a pisspoor parent- whether they were to blame or not. I’m guessing that as granny is flaky as fuck and her son is too there’s a connection mind you. So if you’re to blame then that’s that, not their fault and out of their control and they can’t be blamed for the potential damage they do to your son.

I agree with the first response. It isn’t always the right thing for a child to have contact when contact is sporadic and on the whim of the parent. Contact should be regular and consistent. Children suffer when they don’t have stability and that includes in their important relationships.

Personally in your shoes I would ignore all further contact from the paternal grandparents. If they want contact with him they can arrange that with their son to do it during his contact time. If he can’t be arsed to arrange proper contact then that’s just tough luck.

WRT the dad, I’d be offering no more than the Sunday phone call and if he misses it then he misses it, he doesn’t get another slot and you don’t contact him when he does miss it. The next contact he can have from either of you is the following Sunday. and don’t send him any reminders.

I would leave all.of it..

Do not contact, don't take the call tomorrow if he calls ( phones off or silenced)

Start documenting everytime he letd your ds down.

If grandma does get back in touch you have changed your mind too much going on. You haveoys of arrangements but he would love a card.

@TeddyIsaHe

You are right, he probably wouldn't take me to court although the thought of it makes me nervous. I have seen situations where a parent has had inconsistent contact but the courts seem keen to put contact in place.

My DS seems okay having the telephone contact. He does sulk sometimes when he is busy doing something else. I also don't really tell him when his having a phone call as I don't want him disappointed so i wait until the call comes through.

A few months ago his dad kept asking him "when he would go and see him"
He lives 60miles away, so then DS started asking me to drive him to his dads. We talked through this and he has been okay knowing that I wouldn't be able to drive him there.

I think I'll be getting a cheap phone that I switch on on a Sunday, and if he doesn't call DS I'll have to start reducing the frequency. It's quiet annoying as if we want to go out, we have to sit around waiting to see if he calls within the time we'd agreed before.

@AGoatAteIt you are right I need to put my DS first. I think because I have had this pressure from my family also, it started to cloud my judgement and I've just allowed it to carry on too long.
& it is easier for them to blame me, I really hope DS grows up knowing I've only made decisions in his best interests. Basically I hope they don't get into his head

@Smallsteps88 you're right!
I'll be ignoring grandma from now on. I'd also offered her a contact time many months ago. Which she wasn't happy with and basically responded by asking me to tell her when "her grandson" would be available to speak to her.
I never did respond to her.

Funnily enough she's not responded to me today when I've asked about Covid restrictions and whether she's willing to follow the measures in place

@Starlightstarbright1
I got a notebook out today and started writing everything down. I've got like the last 2 years of contacts from him.
Mostly my responses to him have been for him to be consistent and it lasts a few months before he goes silent on DS. I don't want DS to think that's normal to do, to suddenly withdraw from all communication without a word.

Paternal families contact with DS is self serving.
I'm so grateful for all responses Cos I now realise I am enabling it by allowing them to pop in and out when they please

Sorry all, don't know how to reply in one post x

You do what I did. Tell them all now this is the final time you let them in your child's life. They either keep in regular contact and visit at least every month or that's it no more phone calls or meeting around birthdays and Christmas. They stay out completely until your child decides otherwise. My son was 6 when I did this his now 13 and other than a 3 word message to me saying happy birthday name he hasn't heard a thing in over 7 years. You make it clear and follow through. He won't bother with court because he can't be bothered to see his kid without paying court fees.

@FortniteBoysMum

How's your son been about having no contact? Does he ask for his dad?

I do think this is a good approach, I guess just also think he'll then ask for him and I won't know what to do about that or what to say to him

I don’t really get the issue with the phone call. Why don’t you suggest that your ex calls when he calls and if it’s convenient then he can speak to your son and if not then he can’t. Making it so regimented must be annoying fir you and your ex ( not that we care about him obviously) Sitting around waiting for him to call is crazy. I can imagine it would come across as you being difficult or controlling if you are only allowing calls at specific times even though you have a good reason to do this.

You son is six and I think it’s ok for him to understand that his Dad is flaky, Is your ex unkind to your son? Does he love your son and does your son love him?

@Trikc

We had already tried the "calling any time of the day on a given day" it didn't work and then I was accused of "keeping his son from him".
We are generally quiet a busy family and our calendar is at times booked a month in advance, and I am not always with DS.
So setting a time when I had to make DS available was the best thing for us to do. It's only annoying when he doesn't actually call him then it's wasted time. The time he could call was initially between 10am and 12. So a good enough chunk of time, until DS decided he wanted to join the local athletics club which starts at 11.30am, so now his dad needs to call between 10 and 11am. To be honest I'm quiet flexible on the time, but he never suggests one so I end up suggesting most convenient time for us.
I've told his dad multiple times that I don't want to give him a schedule and just would prefer he told me what he is able to do. But his only suggestion is "as and when" and I can't accommodate that.
The "as and when" has on one occasion ended up with me receiving multiple phone calls while I was in hospital.

Ex does not see DS enough for me to determine if he is unkind to him or not, he last saw him in January 2019. although I have heard some taunting on the phone calls when DS has said his been watching certain shows. He starts to tell him there "baby shows" or "girly shows"

Also my DS says loves everyone so I'm sure he loves his dad too but would say it's distinguished.

Why don’t you suggest that your ex calls when he calls and if it’s convenient then he can speak to your son and if not then he can’t.

Because when it isn’t convenient you get accused of lying and deliberately blocking contact. You can’t win with these type of people. Best to have a clearly laid out agreement with times and dates. Otherwise you leave yourself open to more crap. Flexibility never is flexibility for you.

I talk to my son honest and openly. I ask him on a regular basis if he wants contact but his answer is always no they did not bother with me. It was difficult at first but I kind of set a 6 month minimum target before I would speak to him about it to ensure he was used to the new normal. Once he could understand what was going on and why I have let him know its up to him. We heard from his father once last year wanting to see him for the first time I asked my son he said no so I told his father he isn't ready. If he changes his mind it is his choice. All you can do is let your child decide because if you make the choice for them long term they could resent it when older. But I think to start with you have to be tough for there own good. You offer them a chance they take it or they don't but if they let him down again you tell them enough is enough. Good luck.

It's very difficult isn't it?

On the one hand you don't want to potentially deprive your son of a wonderful relationship. But then we come back to reality....

If his father hasn't bothered by the time his son is 6 to get into a routine of EOW with you I can't see him suddenly becoming constructively engaged in a relationship with your son.

Certainly you can bin off the useless Granny, she's her son's problem. Her contact happens in his contact time.

Could you offer to meet him at your local play park every other Sunday afternoon with your son and see how he gets on? If he lets you down just have a play anyway then come home without your son realising he's been let down.

@ThighthighOfthigh
I'm only really willing to go along with his own thought out contact plan.
If he can't make a phone call, I doubt he will take the nearly 2 hour journey to see DS twice a month. He is nearly 30, he certainly doesn't need hand holding.

As for Grandma, I'm binning her :)

@FortniteBoysMum thank you for that. I'll keep in mind for future talks, if my son asks. He never asks for him though. So I'll have to see how we get on.

@Smallsteps88 exactly that!