To suddenly resent this family member out of the blue and go NC? TW, domestic abuse and miscarriage

[Northern1o]

I have a small and somewhat dysfunctional family. The only ones left are me, my mother (who has a learning disability) and two aunt's. Aunt A who I do have contact with and aunt B who I have no contact with at all.

When I was 17 my DM had depression which she was attributing to where we lived so my two aunt's joined forces to help her relocate 250 miles away to where they live, leaving me behind as I was a "bad child" (aka typical teenager). They left without her even saying goodbye and it broke my heart as I had nobody else in my home town. I appreciate my mother hasn't covered herself in glory but she's malleable to manipulation due to her LD's and has always listened to her sisters as though they know best.

My DM stayed with aunt A for the first six months and when she arrived there aunt A had her change her mobile number so I couldn't get in touch, to make her "settling in" easier. Whenever I tried to call her to speak to mum (Aunt A) wouldn't let me. I didn't speak to my mum for 6 months and was left trying to look after myself up north on my own.

6 months or so later I (unsurprisingly) found myself in a horrifically abusive relationship that escalated over time and I struggled to escape. A 5 years I found the courage to go to the police who helped me get away. By this point I'm having some infrequent contact with my DM and aunt A, my aunt invites me to come and stay with her where I'm safe away from the abuser.

Within weeks of arriving i discover I'm pregnant and my aunt's automatic reaction is to flap and say how I can't stay there if I'm pregnant/having a baby which only compounded my stress levels. Days later I have a big bleed and go to hospital who confirm I'm losing the baby, I'm sent home to my aunt's to wait for the pregnancy to pass. Whilst I'm still in pain and bleeding she's asking me to go to the cash point and withdraw the rent money for the month (I've never been able to forget that part)

Fast forward to now, years later, I have settled down with a nice man locally and have two children. Aunt A couldn't be more up my backside if she tried and wants to be in touch all of the time, ringing most days, excessively I would say, and always wanting to meet up and see the children.

I've repaired my relationship with my DM to a reasonable degree and enjoy having her back in my life but can't seem to forgive my aunt. This isn't helped by the fact she's intrusive, interfering and often relays my private business to aunt B who she knows I have no contact with and don't want knowing my business. This includes sending her pictures of my children that 1) she never asked for and 2) I didn't give her permission to share.

She woke me up this morning at the crack of dawn for a pointless phone call, inconveniencing me and it has triggered all of my negative feelings towards her that I've bottled up for the past decade. It's as if now the tides have changed and I have a reasonably good life and family of my own, she's now 'so proud' of me and wants a close relationship which I haven't the time or inclination to pour energy into.

Would I be unreasonable at this stage, years later, to implement NC based on all of the information in my post? It will appear out of the blue to her as I've never confronted her about any of these things or told her how I feel about them.

If so, how would you broach this? Just stop answering calls or tell her exactly how you feel?

If you've got this far thanks for reading!

I’d go low contact and try to have my reasons ready in case she asks. Or wait for her to do something obnoxious and cut her off for that. It’s odd, as you say, to cut someone off out of the blue.

You don't have to answer her phone calls, block her on everything so she can't share your private life.
Tell her very briefly and to the point that you can't move past the things she did to you and you want no further contact.
It's ok for you to not want people in your life that have treated you horribly in the past.

After reading all of that I wouldn’t hesitate

Honestly, for someone who has had so little positive input into your life you don't owe her anything, least of all waiting until she does something "bad enough" that you can justify cutting her off when contact with her is making you feel this awful.

This has been the reason many people have hung on to toxic relationships (romantic, familial, and otherwise) when a clean break is really what is warranted.

If it were me, I think I would want to tell her the reasons in full, but realistically you want the meast fallout/drama possible.
Is it possible to gradually and quietly extract yourself? Don't initiate contact, leave large gaps before responding, and don't be afraid to leave some calls unanswered?
If this isn't possible, then honesty may be the way forward. Not in an argumentative way, but explain as you have above the reasons for decreasing or stopping contact, how it's all making you feel and that you need some space for a while just you and your family.

What's the situation with your DM now? Is Aunt A likely to stop or gatekeep contact between you if you don't play ball? And will she use DM to get at you?

You’re definitely not unreasonable, as she sounds like she’s still a very negative influence on your life.

At this point a hard line straight no contact would probably cause you more drama than you need as I doubt she’d go quietly.

I’d just low contact her. Only answer her calls if you want to and call her back if or when it suits you. And just reduce the contact slowly but steadily.

Or tell her everything you wrote here, and say that you need some space and time to deal with it so will contact her when you’re ready

To be honest it's not just what she did then (which was horrifically cruel). It's the insult of her current behaviour against the backdrop of the past: suddenly you are "worthy" of her attention because she likes/agrees with how your life is.

I think you'd be within your rights to frame it like that if you want to go NC or even low contact and she confronts you. Be aware that she'll likely make up some BS to tell everybody though.

But you're definitely not unreasonable to want nothing to do with her. She's the very worst sort of hypocrite.

If you tell her why you want to reduce or even cut contact what do you think her response will be? Is there any chance of an apology or explanation from her or will she be on the defensive?

You owe her nothing block her on everything and move on from her, it sounds like she adds nothing to your life except pain and bad memories

Get a new phone that will block certain calls. And where you can view the incoming number. I recently was given a work iPhone due to WFH and was pleased to see that I could block all calls outside of office hours - I'm not sure if it would do that for specific numbers but at least i'm not bothered by crack of dawn or half past midnight calls!

If that doesn't work for you then change your number. and tell her why.

Thank you all for replying

It's pretty much unanimous then, INBU. That's good to know.

(I am interested in hearing from the voter who thinks IBU as to why that is, purely out of curiosity)

My mother and aunt are still very close and talk every day/spend alot of time together. Its a given that if I block her she will seek to find out why through my mother.

How she would react to me telling her a few home truths is a good question, I don't think she would acknowledge that she'd behaved badly as she's one for "not bringing up the past" when it's to do with her

Its strange how these things resurface isn't it. I hadn't paid it any mind for a while and yet all it took was a phonecall for me to reach the end of my tether.

Just block her.

Block both Aunts. Completely.
Only tell your Mum what you are happy for your Aunt to know.

You won't change them now.

I'd say you're more than reasonable to go no contact, 'to help you settle in' to your life going forward, minus some very nasty baggage.

Alot of sterling advice here thank you!

I've been NC with aunt B since i was 14 or 15. Somebody had been calling my cousin (her daughter) names on the internet and aunt B decided it was me because I was an MSN user at the time, like every other child of that age. It wasn't me and I knew nothing about it.

She hasn't spoken to me since then and I'm almost 27. They're a pathetic bunch really.

Aunt A is harder to shake off as she and mum are joined at the hip and I very much want to maintain a relationship with mum.

I think very low contact and gradually phasing her out will be the most effective way that causes the least drama.

YANBU, at all, to go low contact, no contact, or whatever arrangement you want. Your aunt sounds like a truly awful person and her past behaviour is compounded by the difference between then and how she is acting now. What you've had to cope with would have broken many people so kudos to you for having salvaged a decent life out of it all. Your aunt doesn't deserve to be part of it.

If you decide to break contact, is a letter an option? She might not want to hear what you've got to say but a letter is both a more distanced way of dealing with it, and less easily dismissed once read. She might throw it away but the words will stay with her.

Leave your phone away from the bed, never answer it before you get up.
Once she sees that 6 am calls never get answered that should do that.
You can block her from seeing things on social media, very easily.
Just don't tell her anything private.

People like that can never believe anything bad about themselves so home truths will baffle them at best or they'll turn on you at worst. Come up with a strategy for dealing with her as little as possible and enjoy the time with your real family.