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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Was I Being Rude?

20 replies

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 05/09/2020 22:05

I think I probably was, but would opinions please!

Back story is that I don’t particularly like one of our nextdoor neighbors. Never took to him when we first met and then he treated his now ex-wife badly so I think even less of him now.

I was out in the back garden this afternoon. chopping up some branches. Had my AirPods in as I was listening to an audiobook. He came into his garden and was pottering about. I realized he was there but decided not to speak as I was in the middle of hauling/chopping up the branches to make a tidy pile. Think he got huffy as he started banging about with tools ( although I could hardly hear over the audiobook) and kept coming up close to the garage where I was piling up the wood. Eventually he backed his own car out of his garage and drove off.

He often comes out of his house when I’m in the garden or just when I’m taking out the rubbish, it’s abit odd. I’m usually polite but not overly friendly- should I always speak to him? I don’t want to be actual friends, I don’t think he’s a nice person! There’s a fence between our gardens but it’s not v. high.

OP posts:
AmICrazyorWhat2 · 05/09/2020 22:05
  • would like opinions please. Ugh, my typing!
OP posts:
RonaTheMoaner · 05/09/2020 22:07

I do the same and ignore my neighbours!

BrutusMcDogface · 05/09/2020 22:07

You were busy. If you’d just poked your head up and said hello, would he have tried to engage you in conversation? I mean, I really wouldn’t waste too much time worrying about this to be honest! My ndn and I are good friends but if we’re both busy, we don’t stop and chat.

lobsteroll · 05/09/2020 22:07

I probably would have just acknowledged him with a wave/hello but not stopped to chat if I didn't like him/was busy doing something.

AirPods are a good excuse to just carry on - wave, point at your ears and then continue with your jobs.

Smallsteps88 · 05/09/2020 22:10
Confused

I don’t see what you think was rude. You were busy doing something, he didn’t acknowledge you either.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 05/09/2020 22:10

It was more his reaction, he seemed like he was in a huff! I wish we could just ignore each other but he does seem to “appear” when I’m out there.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 05/09/2020 22:11

Can you put some trellis up to make the fence higher?

I would want to remain distant too...

Are you single?

Smallsteps88 · 05/09/2020 22:11

This is female socialisation at play here. Learn to be comfortable ignoring your training.

CyberNan · 05/09/2020 22:12

an acknowledgement wouldn't have hurt you...

you don't have any real reason to dislike him do you? his ex may have good reason, but you don't...

Noti23 · 05/09/2020 22:12

Get a higher fence

Smallsteps88 · 05/09/2020 22:12

he seemed like he was in a huff!

So? That’s not your problem. Don’t take it on as if it is.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 05/09/2020 22:13

No, my DH gets on abit better with him, but I suppose I can’t get over how he treated his ( v. nice) ex-wife and he knows I don’t like him.

We did talk about replacing the fence but it’s technically a shared fence and he didn’t want to.

OP posts:
overnightangel · 05/09/2020 22:13

I kept reading waiting for where you were rude ...
Still waiting 🤷🏻‍♂️
You were busy why should you even acknowledge him

Smallsteps88 · 05/09/2020 22:13

@CyberNan

an acknowledgement wouldn't have hurt you...

you don't have any real reason to dislike him do you? his ex may have good reason, but you don't...

Hmm

He didn’t acknowledge her either.

MsEllany · 05/09/2020 22:30

@Smallsteps88

This is female socialisation at play here. Learn to be comfortable ignoring your training.
Yep. This in spades. I couldn't ever imagine a man being worried they had 'been rude' to someone by doing absolutely nothing at all.
AmICrazyorWhat2 · 05/09/2020 22:34

yeah, I’m overthinking it. I wouldn’t if we had a friendly relationship, but we don’t. Wish he would stop appearing when I’m out there.

OP posts:
hastingsmua1 · 05/09/2020 22:39

@Smallsteps88

This is female socialisation at play here. Learn to be comfortable ignoring your training.
This is it.

He wouldn’t have been huffing had he caught your husband at a busy moment. And let’s be honest, he wouldn’t have purposely left his house to “say hello” to your husband would he? The “popping” out to the garden whenever you’re in the garden is weird.

It’s a non issue. Just continue to ignore him. You don’t have to be a people pleaser.

Smallsteps88 · 05/09/2020 22:42

Wish he would stop appearing when I’m out there.

Continue ignoring and he will. He’ll get fed up of getting no attention from you.

hastingsmua1 · 05/09/2020 22:52

If he does it again, I would ask him “Are you following me, Dave?” in a jokey way. When he says no, fake laugh and say “you always seem to pop up when I’m out here.” It will let him know that you’ve clocked what he’s doing, and you’re not receptive.

you don't have any real reason to dislike him do you? his ex may have good reason, but you don't...

OP can dislike a man for any reason at all, she shouldn’t have to be nice to every man and entertain them just because she’s female. Frankly her reasoning is valid regardless. You don’t know what OP knows, perhaps he was abusive to his ex wife - that’s a good reason to not want to associate with him.

IdblowJonSnow · 05/09/2020 22:55

I think technically you were rude in terms of etiquette. But in this case I'd say you were 'right' to be rude as a) he was a dick to his wife and b) if he just appears when you're out there then that's a bit creepy and he deserves to be ignored.
So YANBU.
And yes, i agree no bloke would spend time worrying about this, we need to fight against our socialisation!

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