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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset by neighbours behaviour/ feel bullied and can't see a solution?

63 replies

Malikka · 05/09/2020 19:49

My neighbours are awful, started a thread about issues with them letting selves into my garden earlier this week. I found it really quite upsetting and am frustrated because I can't see any option but to move. I am planning to move but not for 2 years or so unfortunately. I guess I need some coping strategies in the meantime.

Another incident occured today - my partner and I (he doesn't live here) were spraying weeds in the front garden.

I don't speak to the neighbours children ever. Since a kick off with the mother several years ago. If they say hello I ignore them, as she told me not to speak to them (I told her kids to get out of my garden, she said I wasn't to tell them anything, screamed at me that I'm mental and everyone knows about me etc). So back to today...all next doors kids are mobbing about with some pals. One of the other (non neighbour) kids says 'what are you spraying, is it weedkiller or water' his mate laughs and says weedkiller obviously, I say yes it is weedkiller. Perfectly polite. All good so far. The mate then laughs, says 'sorry he's a bit stupid' and we smile, DP says clearly. Not mocking, just agreeing.

As this is happening I can hear one of the neighbours kids shouting 'you're not to speak to them she's crazy she has mental health problems she's mad' (meaning me).

The mother next door is sat in their front garden so hears all this. Says nothing. The kid who asked the original question has decided he didn't like his mate laughing at him so starts shouting to neighbour that we called him stupid and sprayed weedkiller on him. Neighbours kids join in 'yeah mum they spoke to us they're not allowed to speak to us cos she's mental'.

Also another neighbours dog (which is allowed to wander the streets as they don't walk it or care for it) was wandering around and in the middle of the road as cars were passing. I said to DP about the poor dog and how it really upset one of my friends (who is an animal lover) as she nearly ran it over once and couldn't believe it was left out to roam. Next doors kids then start shouting 'mum she's going to run over the dog, she's going to kill it'. Dog then comes in our garden, I shush it out (because of the weedkiller) and neighbours kids again start shouting how I'm trying to kill the bloody dog!

This nonsense goes on for about 20 mins, we ignore it because what else can we do?

Later in the back garden I heard them still name calling me in front of their parents.

All kids are under 12 btw.

I am really at a loss. I feel utterly victimised. My DP is a big bloke, weighs 20st and over 6ft. He would have scared me as a kid because of his size but not these little sods. I honestly would never have backtalked an adult like this when I was a child and I certainly wouldn't have dared to tell barefaced lies, nor call an adult names. I would have expected a good slap from my parents for doing so. That's not to endorse physical punishment but I am just shocked by this behaviour.

I am really upset about them calling me names, saying I'm mental etc. This is obviously something the parents say about me all the time. I feel there is literally nothing I can do but ignore which feels weak. I have been namecalled a lot in my life and although I know the advice is ignore it, I never found it stopped, if anything ignoring it made it worse. I'm just sick of little kids feeling they can call me fat, ugly, mental etc without any consequence. I have done nothing to them at all other than have the misfortune to be their neighbour, and keep myself to myself. Oh and once object to their kids letting themselves into my garden.

What do I do? There's nothing is there, I just have to live with it. It's fucking horrible and makes us prisoners in our home, I have a big back garden and front garden and can't enjoy either because of this crap.

OP posts:
Oldraver · 06/09/2020 11:15

@Ilikewinter

Instead of putting time and money into a house you plan to leave why not price it to sell now?
This. If they are still goading you when you are perfectly polite I would play I to the 'mad' role

Some people take being polite as weakness

Oldraver · 06/09/2020 11:18

@m0therofdragons

You can’t win being polite or arguing so I’d play to them... “I know, I’m totally unhinged - you probably should keep your distance and not speak about me in my hearing as I might go mental. I wouldn’t risk it if I were you!” Then cackle manically.
Sorry I quoted the wrong post
Longdistance · 06/09/2020 11:24

Well, they’re not exactly going to get the parents of the year award are they? Get the cctv for the back for sure.

Temp123999 · 06/09/2020 11:29

@Malikka
I know it's not really helpful but most kids will back at school next week so less time spent in the garden

greengreengrass14 · 06/09/2020 11:32

Sari is worth a try on hate crime. If you have a disabiity which you have, you might well get a case worker to liase with the police.

Re anti social behaviour you can report the kids. It is the parents who get spoken to and the parents who can get a marker on their tenancy if they don't keep their kids in check.

whichever it is a difficult road to go down. And I didn't have a DH who was tall and burly.

As far as uninsured vehicles are concerned, how to you know and have your reported them to DVLA.

greengreengrass14 · 06/09/2020 11:33

www.sariweb.org.uk/

liveitwell · 06/09/2020 11:34

Have you tried killing them with kindness? The kids have been raised poorly but underneath it all, I bet some of them are ok.

Personally if I couldn't move I would knock on their door and speak to the mum. Explain that you're sorry it's gotten to this point and if possible, would like to start over. Ask her if that would be possible. Maybe take a small bunch of flowers or chocolates.

Now this may not work, and if so then you know this isn't a route to take. But I would try it first before descending into chaos.

Try smiling at them (a genuine one) and if they say hello, say hi back. Ask how they are. If they are rude, then ignore them but ignoring them saying hello to you may have come across the wrong way, that's pretty rude. And your partner saying clearly wasn't very kind either - he was basically calling the kid stupid and being antagonistic.

If it were me and I was killing weeds, when they asked what you were doing I'd have said 'just killing some pesky weeds as if you don't they tend to take over the garden'. A little small talk and teach the kids something. It doesn't sound like they were being nasty originally. And the names theyre calling you are very hurtful but are more from their parents than them probably they're a little young to know it's hurtful if raised poorly.

If it's a kids birthday that you know about pop a card round.

If you can get them on side you may find it's a lot nicer to live there. Suck up your pride and see if it can happen. If they continue to be rude to you then you'll need to try a different tactic obviously (probably continuing to ignore them)

greengreengrass14 · 06/09/2020 11:36

If you go along either of these avenues you need to grow a very thick skin.

As you have already noticed they will (and do) lie about you.

Best not to speak to them at all in case you are accused of something.

DeliciouslyFemale · 06/09/2020 11:41

The problem with reporting to the police, is that you have to let any potential buyers know about it. That will make it more difficult to sell your house and even undervalue it. Get yourself noise cancelling earphones and put them on when you’re outside, then don’t look in their direction. Act as if they are no more than a fly, buzzing about. Get a jacket cam so you have evidence of anything happening, in case they become physical or throw things.

Regarding them looking over, invest in some potted bamboo and place it between you and them, but not close enough to the fence that they can easily reach it. Grow some Pyracantha hedges between you and them. Try to keep in mind that you will eventually move, they’ll be stuck with their personalities forever.

CoffeeandKitKat · 06/09/2020 11:41

When you do sell, would you have to report the arguments/relationship with the neighbour? If so, it may escalate in the next couple of years and if you have to declare that you may struggle to sell. Selling now, to improve your life and mental health could be the only option. Even if it means losing money,.

CoffeeandKitKat · 06/09/2020 11:41

Cross post with pp.

Wrongdecider · 06/09/2020 11:42

Do you hear them inside too? (Are they an attached property?)

I think you need to move. You say you can’t but there’s a stamp duty relief - does that help?

In fact you could sell up, and rent elsewhere. That’s what we’re currently doing (relocation)

You can ask the estate agents not to display a “for sale” board. And estate agency & legal fees might not be as much as you think - we won’t be paying much for ours Smile

Malikka · 06/09/2020 11:44

I always was kind and polite. Until they started letting themselves into my garden and when I told them politely but firmly to leave the mother went batshit, telling me I'm not allowed to speak to her kids. The dad is the same. When they first moved in he asked to borrow stuff (a ladder, other bits) which I happily lent, and he returned.

My partner wasn't being mean, the kid concerned was being a bit thick (he's older than the oldest next door so maybe 12/13 as were his friends) and in any event we didn't speak to next doors kids because we're not allowed to. But of course that doesn't stop them piping up and name calling me as mental (I'm not), fat (I'm a size 12, and thinner than their mother fwiw) or a witch (I'm not but I wish I was so I could put a curse on the lot of them!)

Neighbours own their home so no landlord to complain to/ no marker against tenancy. The other neighbours vehicles were reported (not road legal, being driven by under age kids, therefore cannot be insured) but nothing has been done. We're in a Met Police area and the police have bigger fish to fry than any of this stuff.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 06/09/2020 11:46

OP,
Whatever the condition of your house, I would look to rent it out and move to rent somewhere else yourself.

Preferably rent it to people that are very rough and will be well able for them.

Would the LA take it?

I think putting money into a house with that shower of scum beside you is a waste of money.

Rent it out as is if you can.
Flowers

CottonHeadedNinyMuggins · 06/09/2020 11:52

Oh love I sympathise. My neighbours are similar though childless. They're forever rowing and he plays the music/radio/tv at full blast at all hours and bangs on the wall. He's apparently had affairs/been messaging women but she keeps him at the house (not earwigging - you can't not hear the full scale row). He hammers on the wall and shouts stupid noises like 'ooooh' and 'yaay-oh!' and screams just stupid noises as well as they make fake exagurated sex noises too.

This is a woman we have lived next door to with her husband for 22 years until the husband passed away. 6 months later this boyfriend moved in and everything went to pot. We are prisoners in the house and can't move because of the condition of the house (I am a carer for my disabled mum and we wouldn't be able to sell this for enough to get a new home and the neighbour owns the house too)

We're in the process of complaints and noise reports to the council. The police were initially informed but said that he's doing nothing illegal at the time and that the council had more powers. Sad thing is he also works for the council and the woman handling our complaint is useless (it's taken hr 6 weeks to get back in touch with me again and only because I pushed and pushed customer services at the council for her email address). My paranoia thinks that they know each other and that's why she doesn't reply to voicemails or messages and only has to now I have a papertrail.

Last night it went a bit more creepy and sinister with a ripped up note thrown into our garden as apparently someone had tried to warn the woman about an affair . I assume he has told hr it was us? or was trying to get it away from her before she saw it? Or it's been faked as an 'excuse/reason' for the noise abuse he inflicts on us? Either way it's not normal!!!!

I've contacted the council and also the community ward PC and he's going to ring me today to discuss it. I'm feeling even more locked in the house and even worried about letting my dog out.

Document as much as possible! CCTV if possible (it's been a godsend. We have it in the back garden now and saw the note getting thrown over as we went back over the cloud) Report report report!!!!

Malikka · 06/09/2020 11:52

We need to stay in the area for the next 2 years for education reasons, after that we can move (I'm also waiting to firm up what is happening with my job, at present I am WFH indefinitely but it's also possible I might get made redundant in about 12 months time, so I also need to see how that pans out before entering any new committments re houses. Every year I've been hoping they would move but it seems unlikely.

They're not attached to my house, we're separated by a narrow alley about 4ft wide (divided in 2). They are very noisy though, I can hear them now in their garden although I am indoors with windows closed. If my windows are open I can often hear them in the house too.

I am wondering if this recent escalation is because we have recently had some work done in the garden to lay a new patio area (which is lovely), also recently my DC have had small groups of friends (only 6-8 at a time) round for afternoon BBQs. They've not played music after 9-10 (next doors kids are usually out playing in the street til 9 anyway) and not been loud but we've been more visible than normal.

OP posts:
Bettysprocker · 06/09/2020 11:53

Headphones and ignore. The parents aren't going to do anything and realisistically neither are the police. You also don't want a neighbour dispute on record if you're going to sell.

Malikka · 06/09/2020 11:57

@CottonHeadedNinyMuggins bloody hell that sounds awful. Am so sorry for you having to live through that. Puts this nonsense next door to me into perspective. I have lived with noisy music type neighbours before briefly (many years ago) and it is just relentless. I hope you manage to get it sorted out.

OP posts:
Wrongdecider · 06/09/2020 11:57

Could you kill them with kindness? I’ve done that a few times - once with an awful neighbour who shouted abuse at us in the garden. It worked though!

Speak directly to the mum. You’d have to be brave. But as the saying goes “keep your friends close and your enemies closer”

Is there nothing AT ALL that you have in common?

OP if nothing changes nothing changes!

Malikka · 06/09/2020 11:59

I do usually do earphones and sunglasses when I'm on my own. Only reason I didn't yesterday was we were outside together (partner and I) so chatting as we worked.

OP posts:
CottonHeadedNinyMuggins · 06/09/2020 12:05

Thank you lovely , it will get sorted - one way or the other. It cannot stay the way it is.

Please like we've said though - report report report. Make the council/police sick of hearing your name so that they do something to stop your calls/messages. I'm hoping it works for both of us. Take care

SeaToSki · 06/09/2020 12:10

If you go outside, put headphones on (big over ear ones so they are visible) and play nice classical music loudly so you cant hear them. Then they will see you cant hear them and hopefully will leave you alone as they dont have a target anymore.
Then can you block them from coming into your garden, higher fence, lock on a gate, spiky bushes, sprinkler on a motion sensor, anti climb paint.

ToastyCrumpet · 06/09/2020 12:12

If your garden is so nice, it's probably deep envy. It doesn't sound as though these kids have much going for them.

Cookies2523 · 06/09/2020 12:12

Would it help you if you spoke to Social Services? It sounds like the children are being dragged up & neglected.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 06/09/2020 12:41

Some nice prickly holly bushes on your side of the fence might teach the little fuckers to stop climbing into your garden.