Feeling frustrated that me and dh get no “alone time”

[NiknicK]

So, me and my dh are funding it VERY difficult to get may time alone in the bedroom. We have 2 dc age 18 next month and 9. Our bedroom is downstairs in the dining room as we live in a 2 bed and our boys can’t share as youngest is autistic. Youngest ds has has had sleep problems on an off all of his life but this last year it’s been a case of he’s fell asleep ok (ish) but then has woken multiple times in the night. So I’d say once a week (at best) usually of a Saturday night me and my dh have been able to sneak off midnight onwards for a bit of adult time. All was fine and then I’d usually stay up a bit as I knew our boy would wake around 2 and my dh would usually go to bed as he gets up around 4am with him. But lately ds’s sleep has got worse. He still nods off early ish but the last few weeks he’s been waking much earlier and I feel awful for saying this but he walked in on me and my dh. Thankfully we were under the cover so he didn’t see a thing but my dh is proper freaked out, as was I at the time, and since then the adult time has gone out of the window as my dh can’t relax thinking our ds will walk in on us. I completely get where he is coming from and of course I wouldn’t want our boy to see anything he shouldn’t, but at the same time I’m frustrated. AIBU to wonder how other parents manage to have that time with their partners when they have dc?

So sorry for the typos. Predictive text and I pressed post too soon.

Send the 18 year old out with the 9 year old for ice cream or boring bread and milk?

Try the bathroom in the morning!

Would your 18yo be able to look after 9yo for the night whilst you go to a Premier inn?

Get a lock for your door. Show ds before you actually use it - make up a reason why you have it - and that at least gains you 30 seconds to get yourselves straight before you leap up to open it for him.

Bathroom with the door locked.

It sounds really tough and it's not like that for most couples as the situation with your DS is unusual. Would putting a lock on the door not solve the walking in issue though?

Put a lock on the door to start with definitely.

We could try a lock on the door I suppose. I don’t really like the idea but it’s an option. My eldest ds is really mature but his router can be very difficult when he’s out eh he can run off of you don’t hold his hand firmly and he can get worked up over nothing. I don’t think my eldest is quiet ready to deal with it to be honest. We did consider leaving him with his brother a few weeks ago so that me and dh could nip a mile up the road to our local pub for some dinner, but ds (youngest) got really worked up and started hitting out at me and his brother so that didn’t happen.

Door wedge so that it can’t be opened, you can also reach him he must knock and wait for you to tell him to come in. Practice it with him.

Have you been to the GP over the sleep issues?

Poor sleeping autistic child here too. It’s hard. We used to meet up over our lunch break while she was at school. Now school is remote so we haven’t been alone in the house since March. We have better luck sneaking to our room during the day than we do after bedtime. We do lock the door and then unlock when we are just sleeping.

Does 9 year old go to school? Use the day time hours.
Put it in your assessment for short break respite care request ...fsmily relatiinship at risk of breakdown (due to no "adult time") ..it is valid...
In any case you clearly need to think about respite buddy schemes etc for your 9 year old to get sone respite breaks. Look at your local offer and book a social services assessment. By 10 my ds wwith asd was going for 24 hour breaks away funded by ss.
Of course covid may impact but find out what ds may be able to access.
If he isnt ever going to friends or family for breaks or sleepovers there is strong argument for ss to fund short breaks with specialist providers
But you wont get anything if you do not ask . So ask ss. Children with disabilities team.