Do you want your children to understand traumas you've faced in your past?

[somuchtea]

Just interested in others' views on this one.

If you've been through some sort of major trauma in the past - say abusive relationships, sexual abuse, alcoholism, traumatic experiences, mental health issues etc etc - do you expect to talk to your kids about that, and how it's shaped you?
Is it important to you that they don't just know, but have an indepth understanding of what you experienced?
Or do you prefer to keep it from them?

Don't feel you have to divulge any personal details, just really interested in how people think about what they tell their kids.

Depends what it was. I probably wouldn't say if I'd been sexually assaulted, for example. But if that had been within the context of a past abusive relationship, I might mention to them (as teenagers, in a conversation about healthy, respectful relationships) that before I was with DH, I was with a man who treated me very poorly. But I obviously wouldn't go into detail.

Thanks. You say "obviously" wouldn't go into detail - would it be weird to go into detail?

This is in reference to my parents who want to go into a LOT of detail OFTEN and repeatedly. I am all for talking about mental health, believe me, but for various reasons it's quite tricky. But it's also hard to know what's "normal" and acceptable in parent-child r'ships (not that "normal" necessarily matters, but still - a frame of ref is useful)

Thank you!

Nope. I'd tell DS if there was something I'd been through that I might be able to help him avoid.

My DM tries to tell me about her past relationship traumas. I change the subject. Our DC are not our counsellors.

It depends on the child/teen and their compassion and maturity level. My daughter 15 knows that I was sexually abused and that I had a mental breakdown and ongoing Mental Health issues, my older son 21 knows about the breakdown and Mental Health issues. He is Autistic and his maturity is quite a bit lower than his age and he'd have trouble 'processing' the abuse. The reason I've told them is 1) the breakdown was very obvious 2/Mental Health problems should be talked about. 3/ I wanted to explain to my daughter why I am particularly clingy about certain thing and situations.

I wouldn't let them burden you with that, OP. If they need to talk it out then they can find a counsellor who is trained to take on that level of detail and who has supervision and the detachment of being a stranger to them. Why would they want to fill your head with trauma that you can't help them with or do anything about?

Sorry, that was a little ambiguous of me. I only said obviously as sharing my own experience of a past abusive relationship would include details of sexual and physical assault, which I think would be inappropriate for me to tell my children about.
The older ones do know about these things and I suppose if, as adults, they experienced a similar thing then I would mention my own experiences if I thought it would help them at all.
But, praying that that doesn't happen, there are a lot of explicit details that I would not share with my children.

I hear you OP.

My DM is a total narcissist and I didn't really have a childhood. I was her emotional punching bag and was told all kinds of things I should not have ever heard.

It made me very wary of over sharing with my own DC, and even though they are adults now, they do not know that, for instance, I was raped by a stranger in a car park aged 17.

If I had a major MH episode as described by PP, then I might feel differently of course, and we all have to take the decisions that feel right for our specific circumstances.

When you have grown up without a sense of "normal" it can be quite a worry to know where boundaries should be

I don’t think it’s appropriate in the context of a parent child relationship tbh.
I don’t think it’s very healthy for parents to seek validation from children in general.

We’re programmed to work through a sort of cycle of rejection with our parents - rebelling as teens, moving physically away as young adults, often raising our children differently to an extent. As we get older we may start to move closer emotionally and in our values, but there is a long period where it’s very hard for a child to see their parent as a truly real person like themselves.

That said, both my parents have been shaped to an extent by their traumas, and as an older adult I’m interested. But I had to get to a point where my sense of self an identity wasn’t tied up in them. Or I wasn’t looking for a blithe answer “oh that’s why she’s so bloody unreasonable”.

I’m very much talking from my own experience though. Feel free to take it with a pinch of salt.

I agree to a certain extent when they’re much older and can understand it, if I feel they would benefit from it and it was something that would help them by hearing my advice/experience. but I don’t want to burden my children with the knowledge of my childhood unnecessarily, as that then tarnishes their opinions and memories unfairly.
I think a lot of people unknowingly put pressure on their children when they tell them too much information just for the sake of knowing, but of course it depends on the situation and sometimes it’s better that they know if it’s made you ‘the way you are’ today and they can learn from it.
I wouldn’t personally want to know my parents private issues from the past, as I then have that image/knowledge indefinitely in my mind, and the guilt knowing what happened to them. That would be a selfish thing to do your child imo. Some things are best left private. Children (even as adults) are not counsellors. Ignorance is bliss and the trauma dies with me.

No. My children (well, not children any more. Both in their 20s) will never know elements of my past. They don't need to know.

It depends. My mum has had a fairly traumatic life, some of which she has disclosed to me in my 30s (I’m sure there is lots she hasn’t disclosed). She was raped aged 18, and I’m the only person who knows (she didn’t tell either of her husbands). She has obviously suffered hugely from this (never had counselling), and I think her way of trying to ‘protect’ was by emphasizing the need to be a virgin when I got married (she is also very religious). This has lead to all sorts of problems for me. I can understand now, but I think if we’d had honest discussions from the start it would have helped. I hope I can be more honest with my daughter.

My DM overshares with me, I hate it and find it upsetting. I have adult children, I don't feel the need to do the same with them.

The one thing I have shared is my history of depression. DS24 has been through it too and he's found hearing about my experience of it useful in understanding how to deal with it.

I asked a therapist this exact question. They pretty much said don't tell them anymore than you absolutely need to. For example if you're NC with your parents due to an abusive upbringing then you only say anything if they ask why they don't see their grandparents. And even then it'd be something along the lines of "We don't get along so it's better for us all to not speak with eachother".

A PP summed it up well for me "Our children are not our counsellors". If you feel the need to tell them about past trauma then it's likely you need to book therapy to give you the outlet to work through what you need to work through.

No not until they are young adults or adults.

It is important not to contaminate their childhood experience with your own horror show. I felt the need to keep my dc's lives free of the pain I experienced. Only recently have I been more honest with them about it, it was useful as an example to keep them safe for instance, and also to explain that my own childhood was often fraught with fear and anger as a way of managing our own emotions - as examples (but they are now 16 and can understand) I still have not, and will not tell the worst of it, as I would not want to scare or worry them. I don't need to worry about the past, I want them to care about the present and the future.

So no, off loading to children is not something I would do, visit a therapist or talk to your dh or friends if you are feeling low.

If your parents are insisting on debating and discussing past issues with your children without your permission and against your wishes, that is definitely crossing boundaries and some! Definitely not acceptable.

Your children do not need to know trauma, let them enjoy their innocence they will grow up soon enough.

No. Maybe when she is a parent herself if it seems appropriate.

Need to know basis only for me.

My Mum overshared about a lot of her experiences (some of which I was aware of or witnessed). It has been really damaging for our relationship. As an adult I really feel for her and can see how hard those experiences must have been for her but it was not appropriate for her to use me for talking therapy when she’s had too much to drink.

We answer questions as honestly as they need to know, if they come up in conversation.

DH and DS have MH issues so there have been some very candid discussions but more along the lines of helping to understand each other and themselves. Not any kind of accountability.

The kids are aware of some of the challenges I faced growing up which was needed to explain the years of estrangement/strained relationship with my father.

We don't disclose details and, where possible, try not to influence their take on it by offering a balanced view.

We strive for a balance of honesty and appropriateness.

God no. I had an abusive childhood and I would never inflict knowledge of that on them. I have learnt things from past experiences & I share those things with them - the positive lessons, and behaviours to avoid. That’s what matters - what one has learnt from adverse life experiences - not the traumas.

Children are not their parents’ therapists and I really don’t approve of treating them as such. That’s not the parental role.

I’m sorry you’re expected to bear this burden op. I would suggest to them that you’re not qualified to give them support & suggest they get a therapist as you’re finding these discussions difficult to deal with.

As an aside, aren’t therapists actually trained to deal with the distress they feel as a result of hearing about other people’s traumas? If so, this is a strong argument for not sharing traumas with one’s children, who do not have this training!

I have however said to my teen children when they really stand over me and shout it reminds me of sad moments of my childhood, so would prefer they didn't do it. I felt that if they understood why it makes me feel so stressed instantly they would stop - and they did. I think it is okay to be honest to some degree, if your past still affects you in some small ways. You might say in answer to why they don't see a grandparent, my answer was simply that he can be grumpy so we don't see him too often, and make light of it. Not he is a violent bully and spent much of my childhood hitting me. I think you can be honest without going into detail, factual without placing blame, and able to explain without causing distress and worry.

As your dc get older you will have choices about how much to share, but I would only tell them what they need to know, I think its possible to still have a level of honesty with dc without the drama or detail.

Interesting thread.

Both my grandmothers’ lives have been shaped by serious trauma as a result of WW2. This seemed to have led my parents to become chronic over-sharers in terms of their own histories. My father was more of a romantic idealist, his accounts were always very rosy and perhaps not entirely believable albeit charming. My mother unfortunately was closer to a narcissist and I heard quite a lot of unwanted things from her that I still somehow resent knowing even though we do not speak. I think I felt she had dumped problems and worries on me rather than it being about sharing stories, maybe that was the difference.

As a PP said, it takes emotional maturity to see parents/older family as rounded people, so I’d say it would be more appropriate to discuss as they become young adults. For my part, in my early 20s I really wanted to know my grandmothers’ stories, from them and in their own words, but each outright refused to talk to me about it. I wish they had, because now I’m older I somehow view it all as very much a part of my story too.

Chatting to a professional counsellor at a party once, I was told that imparting stories of huge parental hardship can often cause children to feel guilty for be living uncomplicated lives and also to become preoccupied with things that aren’t relevant to them. So the more extreme stories can prevent them from having a full life. I can’t remember why we were talking about it, but the thought has always stuck in my mind.

As for my own DD, I think I would keep my own things strictly factual where necessary, until she was much older and then, if asked, I might reveal more detail.

Interesting thread. My mum overshared so much of her abusive childhood, sexual harrassment etc with me. It distorted our relationship in that she was the fragile one that had to be tiptoed around. It didn't help me in any way avoid such situations. She was very surprised when i told her my driving instructor had wandering hands, like i shouldnt have let it happen because i had heard how bad it was from her.

I'm trying not to overshare with my kids, now teens, despite majot trauma over the last 10 years...

No, I’m not going to go into details but it was pre-kids so I don’t think they need to know.

I'm open, but I don't go into in-depth detail nor do I talk about it a lot with or around them. When it comes up or needs to be discussed, I keep it age appropriate and topic-relevant most of the time. I agree with the pp that it is not a child's job to act as their parents therapist.

So, when mine were tiny, it sometimes came up that my parents weren't nice & my mother didn't like me, but I moved far away so they don't have to worry about that.

With my teens, I've briefly mentioned having C-PTSD, that some of the silly childhood stories I have were my acting out because of that, and that I still have bad days with it sometimes. I've also very briefly discussed my history of suicidal ideation and that my mother tried to push to me to suicide as a child. This was not as well planned as I would like, but part of a heated conversation on why snarky/jokey remarks and come-backs including self-harm and suicide upset me & even if it's 'normal' for some of my oldest's peers to make quips like 'every time you talk, I want to... [everything from cut to slam their head through a wall to kill themselves]' as a joke or to blow off steam in a fight, I can't take it that way.

I've also discussed our history of family addiction, on pretty much every side of their family tree, how that raises their risks and some of my experiences caring for addict family members, as part of teaching them about drug use and harm prevention in the way that I do. I still glossed over most of it, but they were the best I had to illustrate some of the concepts in a way that I think would make sense to them.

Oh OP, i’m sorry they’re laying this on you-as PPs say, it is absolutely not your role to help them carry all of that. That’s the role of a therapist.

My childhood was horrific, I left at 14 because I was in danger of being killed & went into care. I obviously have NC.

My DCs only know (they’re primary age) that my parents weren’t very good at looking after children so I was looked after by someone else who was very good at looking after children.

I go to weekly therapy to have a place to unpack my history so it doesn’t seep out & affect my children (or DH, friends or my job) and I cannot imagine giving them any details about any of it when they get older. Though I hope my own MH history will help me spot & help empathically if either of them start struggling with life.

for you having to deal with it. It’s not fair.

Similar story with my grandmother, and she refused to reveal anything at all and kept her whole past locked away. I felt deprived of the real her, and knowing her true story. Although I respected and understood her decision.
I wanted to know so I could understand why my mother had certain struggles. As an adult I could definitely deal with the truth, I had my own identity and wanted to know. I think there is a point when asked by an adult close family member to know more, you can decide what to share, but in not doing so it can be a form of rejection possibly? And might leave that person not knowing who you truly are....if that makes sense. It felt almost like there were secrets, lies, unspoken understandings and perhaps even a touch of dishonesty...

It is interesting, I guess there is no right or wrong answer, and it is a very personal choice.