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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU relationship with in-laws

17 replies

Unconquerable · 05/09/2020 10:49

I‘ll give it a try here.

A friend of mine told a story about how her in-laws had no idea what was going on in her dhs mind. Other friends added they had in-laws like this too + are avoiding them.

My in-laws are a bit like this. They don’t do emotions in that family - and they are a bit rough. Especially the men. Don’t think they always know what’s going on on dhs mind.
DH doesn’t expect anything special of them.

Is it common for a man to have a relationship like this with his family.

What’s your relationship with your in-laws like?

OP posts:
Feminist10101 · 05/09/2020 10:54

A friend of mine told a story about how her in-laws had no idea what was going on in her dhs mind.

Huh? How would anyone know what was going on in your DH’s mind?Confused

As for the question, I don’t have a relationship with my in laws. (Married 17 years.). DH does, obviously, but they’re far away and there isn’t much common ground between me and them so not something I really need to do anything about IYSWIM.

After 20 years together I still don’t know what goes on in DH’s mind. Nor would I want to.

Original poster
Unconquerable · 05/09/2020 10:59

Actually I don’t want to give to many details, but there is a reason why it is pretty easy to know what is going on on her dhs mind. Many people know but it seems his own parents/family didn’t.

OP posts:
Feminist10101 · 05/09/2020 11:00

Bit of a pointless thing to ask then.......

Original poster
Unconquerable · 05/09/2020 11:01

@Feminist10101 You have really no idea what is going on on your dhs mind? I don’t mean his most secret thoughts but how he feels about things, his likes, dislikes, dreams, hopes, fears, values, feelings for other people.

OP posts:
WiserOlder · 05/09/2020 11:03

I think I know what you mean.

Is it that they don't want to know, because they never ask?

They never engaged in any meaningful equal authentic communication, but expected him to play the part of 'son' for decades.

If that's what you mean, I 100% get it. (My own family). If that's not what you mean, I have misunderstood!

I think it is childhood emotional neglect. Like,we'll feed you, encourage you to do well in school etc, house you, bring you for your injections, buy you clothes, help you out, but you will do things OUR way please, and don't tell us how you feel about that, and don't criticise our distant way of relating.

I've projected my own stuff here I think!!

Original poster
Unconquerable · 05/09/2020 11:10

Yep, they never ask. He never discusses it. They talk about other think like chess, computer games, tanks, motorcycles, wine, but rarely about what’s going on on his mind.

He attended a boarding school and his father traveled a lot, wasn’t at home.

OP posts:
RoisinD · 05/09/2020 11:18

OP why have 2 threads on same subject? One in relationships too. Very confusing.

Original poster
Unconquerable · 05/09/2020 11:24

@Roisin: I got no answers there, asked here which Board was the right one and was told to ask here for more traffic.

OP posts:
AliTheMinx · 05/09/2020 11:27

I'm an only child, and parents are mid-70s. I usually speak to them several times a week - every day since lockdown. They have a keen interest in our lives and that of our son (their only grandchild) and are very supportive. They don't live close by, but help where there can and are very generous financially.

DH has 2 siblings and a half sibling. Estranged from real father. Mum remarried. DH and his mum would describe their relationship as close, yet they only comminicate 2 or 3 times a month, which I find odd. She is often not aware of important things going on in our lives or that of our DS. She is very wrapped up with her second husband and their son (now 18, so not a baby). I feel DH and his siblings are slightly forgotten in favour of her "new" family.

However, part of the communication issue is down to DH. He's not brilliant at keeping in touch with anyone - friends or family. I think it's a male thing. It just doesn't occur to him. Even when he speaks to his mum, he never seems to ask questions or be up to speed with the family news.

I don't have a great relationship with in-laws (one or two big disagreements), but I now try to get along with them just to keep the peace. When we see them, I usually find out more that DH ever does about his family by asking questions and taking an interest.

AliTheMinx · 05/09/2020 11:29

Meant to add that the conversations DH and his family do have are very superficial. No one discusses feelings... heaven forbid!

Original poster
Unconquerable · 05/09/2020 12:00

My dh actually can be talkative once he realizes you care for what he has to say but unfortunately he seems not to be so close to his parents.

OP posts:
Feminist10101 · 05/09/2020 12:39

You have really no idea what is going on on your dhs mind? I don’t mean his most secret thoughts but how he feels about things, his likes, dislikes, dreams, hopes, fears, values, feelings for other people.

His general preferences in life? Yes. His core values and beliefs? Absolutely.

What’s on his mind at any given time? Absolutely not. I’m not constantly thinking or sportscasting my hopes, beliefs or core values, so wouldn’t consider those to be on my mind unless they were brought into focus by something else.

YummyInMyTummy · 05/09/2020 16:24

@Feminist10101

You have really no idea what is going on on your dhs mind? I don’t mean his most secret thoughts but how he feels about things, his likes, dislikes, dreams, hopes, fears, values, feelings for other people.

His general preferences in life? Yes. His core values and beliefs? Absolutely.

What’s on his mind at any given time? Absolutely not. I’m not constantly thinking or sportscasting my hopes, beliefs or core values, so wouldn’t consider those to be on my mind unless they were brought into focus by something else.

This ^
TheHappyHerbivore · 05/09/2020 16:54

I really got lucky with my in-laws. They’re just lovely, normal, welcoming, fun people. My MIL especially is a dream - she’s so kind and thoughtful and generous. Just a lovely woman who adores her son and welcomed me with open arms.

BlowingmyJets · 05/09/2020 17:39

Confusing phrasing op, but I think,

Wiser, older has nailed it.

Wiser older, dh has dp like this. Cold, awful.. On the rare occasions he is there they always offer him tea! He has always hated tea!

RoseTintedAtuin · 05/09/2020 18:06

I’m afraid I do t really get it. I have a large family and for the most part we’re very close but I don’t know what they’re thinking or how they feel about everything... if I did there’d be no need to talk to them. My brothers especially don’t really talk about their feelings or views on difficult topics but that doesn’t mean we don’t care about each other... I’m not sure what you’re expecting, it sounds like they are supportive of him but don’t fit into how you think things should be done?

FlySheMust · 05/09/2020 18:10

My MiL knew her sons inside out and knew what was in their minds. Better than their girlfriends/wives sometimes. I found that very useful when I was baffled by him.

Both DSs talk to me about what's going on in their heads as well, I spoke to my parents. Isn't it the natural way?

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