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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD-depressed OH

12 replies

poohfant · 05/09/2020 10:40

Back story-my OH took voluntary redundancy over a year ago it came with a good package so he need not work till he can retire. Since then he basically sleeps 12 hours a day & watches tv the rest of the time & does very little around the house ( we do not have children). I work full time & have been doing more or less everything at home. I’ve tried everything to get him to do more from gentle hinting to full blown arguments. Realising he was probably depressed I made a gp appointment, went with him-he was given antidepressants & good advice, once the AD ran out he didn’t get more & didn’t put in to action the advice given.
Two weeks ago he said he thinks that he is drinking too much and this is the problem (which I get is a big thing to admit) I suggested various options to which he replied he had to get his own head round it first-so things haven’t yet changed. I was hopeful that this was a breakthrough & with professional help & support from me eventually things would improve.
I came home from work to be told that the dog had peed on our bed (5 hours earlier) he hadn’t stripped the bed but had soaked it up with toilet paper-so basically was waiting for me to come home & sort it.
Through anger, frustration & resentment I probably could have handled it better-after sorting the bed out I hardly spoke to him & eventually lost it saying it was the straw that broke the camels back & I was fed up with it, he said that he was just starting to get is head round his drinking & depression & couldn’t believe I’ve turned on him when he is having to face up to his problems, I stormed off to (clean) bed.
I went to work the next day & felt bad about the way I went around it + being concerned about his mental health I apologised for the way I went around it & should have done it in a calmer way.
Now I’m the bad one in all of this, while he’s having such a hard time of coming to terms with his drinking & depression I have not helped at all, doesn’t believe I’m sorry for going about it in such a way.
If you read this to the end thank you & WWYD??

OP posts:
partofyoupoursoutofme · 05/09/2020 11:04

It's so hard treading on eggshells all the time when you are trying to make allowances for someone else's mental health. It seems like you have been very supportive and understandably lost your rag with him over the dog piss on the bed.
In your position I think I would calmly tell him that I have supported him and sympathised, empathised, cooked cleaned and the rest, but it doesn't seem to have helped so you need to work out a new strategy together. I would be aiming to get him some purpose to build his self esteem. Looking after the house, cleaning, cooking etc to start with and help him feel like he's contributing.

If he doesn't start pulling his weight I would be thinking about my future without him.

Good luck, it's tough living with a lazy partner, and depression is not an excuse to treat you like a skivvy.

Original poster
poohfant · 05/09/2020 11:10

Thank you so much for your wise & kind advice

OP posts:
BumblePan · 05/09/2020 11:22

Sorry you and your OH are going through a tough time. I can completely understand your frustration coming home to a mess in your bed.
I have family that suffer from depression and I know that it absolutely drains every ounce of energy, but they still try to make an effort. It may take 20 times longer to do things than a healthy person, but they try! You have my sympathies.
I don't have any advice about your OH but I do think that you need to start doing some nice things for yourself. It's very difficult to support somebody unwell and you need to look after yourself, so that you have the energy to keep supporting them.

AyeCorona1 · 05/09/2020 11:22

The depression is exacerbated by the drinking.

Also, just because someone is depressed doesn't mean they're excused from tidying up/sharing chores/being a knob

Depends if you really are at straw and camel's back point. I could not live with a miserable (and won't sort it with medication) lazy alcoholic who thinks he has an excuse to bypass any responsibility. Bin.

thepeopleversuswork · 05/09/2020 11:28

Sorry to sound harsh but I have read so many of these posts where a useless lazy man uses “depression” as a get out of jail free card to avoid any domestic responsibility.

He may need support with drinking or mental health but that’s no excuse to wallow in dog urine and treat you like a skivvy.

By all means be patient and supportive and help him where you can but do not enable this behaviour. Depression is a serious illness but it brings a responsibility on people not to poison the relationship with their families. You need to take control of this. It’s not fair on you.

Original poster
poohfant · 05/09/2020 12:24

Thank you all for your replies- really helping to put things into perspective

OP posts:
Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 05/09/2020 12:30

@thepeopleversuswork

Sorry to sound harsh but I have read so many of these posts where a useless lazy man uses “depression” as a get out of jail free card to avoid any domestic responsibility.

He may need support with drinking or mental health but that’s no excuse to wallow in dog urine and treat you like a skivvy.

By all means be patient and supportive and help him where you can but do not enable this behaviour. Depression is a serious illness but it brings a responsibility on people not to poison the relationship with their families. You need to take control of this. It’s not fair on you.

This! 100%. I have depression and PTSD. It's my problem. I'm an adult and it's no excuse to skive out of life.

This man doesn't want to help himself. C'mon, YOU made a GP appointment? I can't believe that was allowed, even.

He's dragging you down. You walk on eggshells in your own home.

Fuck that. I'd bin him. He will never change because he doesn't want to.

If you want to take on an adult as a project to rescue, start with yourself because you certainly need it - to learn why you feel you deserve so little and to put up with crap like this. You don't.

He's full of excuses. I don't drink at all because it exacerbates my depression. But I had to come to that on my own and stick to it, not expect someone else to sort out all my problems.

Potterpotterpotter · 05/09/2020 12:30

Not cleaning up dog piss and leaving it to you is just fucking lazy. I can see why you flipped and maybe it’s a wake up call he needs.

Brefugee · 05/09/2020 12:31

Frankly? I would have moved out after the mattress thing.

Spinakker · 05/09/2020 13:44

Yeah if he gave a damn about you he would have cleaned the matress. Sounds a lazy waste of space.

Thehop · 05/09/2020 13:50

I’d honestly split. You’re his mother.

Nanny0gg · 05/09/2020 14:25

he said that he was just starting to get is head round his drinking & depression & couldn’t believe I’ve turned on him when he is having to face up to his problems, I stormed off to (clean) bed.

Funny how he's 'just starting'. Bet he wouldn't have said anything about dealing with his problems till you were angry.

He's using it as a get out of jail card

Can you manage without him?

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