To feel anxious ?

[anon2334]

I have 3 kids one lives with dad and we have a court order and this weekend is first full weekend. I feel so anxious also because eldest had told me dad is taking them to where I fled from. He was emotionally abusive and left me with nothing but then he tried to take my kids and did take one off me but now my eldest is telling me stuff that makes me uncomfortable.

I’m tidying up the house and getting bits today trying to relax. When they come back my little one 3 almost hates me but we are usually so close and he is lovely little child. I know he was told By the court that he must not do anything like that again I.e take the children.. but It’s also the way he is that terrifies me ,he may turn the children. He even tried when we were together . I have good reason as his siblings all left far away and minimum contact with their mum as it she caused so much trouble too. Did same thing with dad.. I know I need to relax and when the kids are here I make it all fun and act normal But a part of me can’t relax at the moment.

Any advice on just getting on with things.. I know I have to get used to them going every other weekend for full weekends but knowing what he is like does worry me at times.

I know it feels awful and not having them with you causes so much anxiety, but it will become easier as time goes on. Spend today making plans on what you’re going to do with them when they return to you and try to distract yourself by doing something that couldn't be done easily if they were at home.

Keep a diary of all the things that make you uncomfortable but don’t ask your children questions or make your opinions about him known to them. You can either directly contact him about the issues or take him back to court when you feel you have a strong enough case.

Your 3 year old doesn’t hate you btw so please don’t let that upset you, just give him some time and he will come back to you. Also, as children get older they start to see abusive parents for what they really are and they will have their own wishes about contact in the future. This won’t be forever and you will become stronger. If you ever need to defend yourself or your actions to them after he has spoken badly about you make sure to do so in a way that doesn’t sound like it’s attacking your ex e.g. “oh no he’s mistaken” rather than “no he’s a liar”.

The most important thing is that you got out. It’s easier said than done but don’t let him affect you, if he’s causing you anxiety and stress it will make him happy. You are your children’s main caregiver, yes they have to go away for a couple of days but they will always return to you. Your life together is separate, he is no longer a part of it. He probably will attempt to turn the children, but put your all into giving them a great life with you and his attempts will fall flat.

Take care

Thank you. Yes everything you said has helped me. In time I will get used to it and I know kids say things but sometimes my eldest comes out with random stuff but that’s probably just getting used to going between 2 parents. I am happy if the children are safe and happy and we are able to get on and have a good relationship.

Thank you and take care