Something happened when I was six but I don’t know if it was normal

[goldensangria]

When I was six years old I lived in a big building full of small flats for homeless families. There was a play park there, and when I was six I went down to the bottom of it where there was this tyre swing, all the older kids went down there and younger kids usually stayed away.

I went down there with my younger sister. I don’t remember a whole lot but this is what I do remember: There was just one boy and me and my younger sister, then 3. He was about 11/12. I asked to go on the tyre swing and he told me I had to pull my underwear down and show myself to him first. I didn’t want to but I think he started to get annoyed with me so I did it. I’m not sure why but I went on the roundabout with my sister instead. While we were on it he asked my sister to do it too. I said no I will do it instead because I knew it was wrong and I was scared and protecting my sister.

The next thing I remember is him getting his penis out and me running back to the flat with my little sister crying.

It’s something I felt horrible about for a long time when I was younger. I felt guilty and ashamed and dirty and I went through a stage of thinking I wanted it sexually and feeling vile.

When I brought it up to my mum in adulthood (I’m mid-twenties) she said it wasn’t a big deal, he was only 11/12.

I know realistically it’s probably not a big deal and it’s nowhere anywhere near as horrific as what happens in sexual abuse cases and I know it’s not child abuse.

But I don’t know whether it is anything that is valid for me to feel horrible about, or whether I’m overreacting - he didn’t touch me at all.

Someone made you uncomfortable and made you cry when you were little and it obviously left an impression. It’s valid for you to be upset about it. Your feelings are valid.

Where you go with that I don’t know - has it impacted relationships etc? Can you talk to a counsellor/ therapist to deal with it?

Yes it's a big deal.

No it wasn't your fault.

I'm sorry the boy did that to you.

@Ditheringdooley I don’t think it’s impacted relationships no, but I have sexual intrusive thoughts that really distress me, and I’m not sure if that experience has contributed.

It would make sense if the experience had contributed to your thoughts, yes. You aren't overreacting - you were very young and it was obviously a distressing experience. I'd suggest you look into seeing a counsellor to talk it through with trustworthy support.

@goldensangria you should talk to someone qualified to help you process this experience and your intrusive thoughts. You shouldn’t live with distress.

At a young age you experienced something which you didn’t understand but felt was wrong. Even if you suspect that is an underlying reason for your continuing distress, but aren’t sure, that’s enough to talk to someone. If you don’t have access to NHS services but can find a way to pay for a private service, I would really recommend doing that. Take ownership of your mental and sexual health.

Someone one flashed me in the park and masturbated in my direction. I was in my early 20’s and had the developed brain and understanding to know that it wasn’t my fault, he was a dirty perv and a loser and I had seen bits before then so it didn’t affect me. At 6, you did not have the means to deal with that and you should not have been in a position to deal with unwanted sexual or genital attention. His intentions, age etc are irrelevant - it’s the fact that you were so young which is important.

If it helps at all, I think it is quite common for parents not to react in the most helpful way when children share these experiences. Your mum might have blamed herself for it happening to you and therefore look to diminish the experience. She’s probably not the person to talk to about it, you need someone with training who can help you work through the shame - which again (totally unqualified opinion) but I think is a common way for the brain to respond to things that it can’t process/ understand.

Good luck and good on you for seeking out help and support.

I think his behavior was abnormal. Old enough to know better than to prey upon younger children. Your reaction and the bad feelings you have felt are a normal response to being put in that position.

It’s good you are sharing this since it’s weighing on you. It would be good to talk to a counselor about it to process it.

Something similar happened to me around the same age. I don’t remember the details other than I think one boy grabbed my privates while another laughed. They were just a few years older. I still remember the complete shock of it.

I’m sorry your mum minimised this. It was a big deal !

To add: I think it would have been easier for you to cope with it emotionally if the boy had been your own age. There’s something about the boy being that much older that just makes it more disturbing; not like typical “you show me yours, I’ll show you mine” behavior. It sounds like he scared and intimidated you with his age and being physically bigger.

Something similar happened to me except I was 10 it was a 50+-year-old man who told me to "Pull down my knickers and we can have some fun." I ran away and nothing happened, but I remember so clearly the feeling of shame and my overriding thought was not wanting my mum to find out.

It doesn't matter what it was. It doesn't matter how old he was. Something happened to you that frightened you enough that it's stayed in your mind all these years.

As Dithering says, you need to talk to a qualified counselor. They can explore the experience with you and help you work it through and 'put it in its right place'.

That was horrible im sorry it happened to you and your sister. That boy sounds fucked up and your mothers reaction is awful.. shes minimising your experience to deflect any potential questions about her efficacy and ability as a mother who should have protected you and found out sooner. When she minimises and dismisses what happened to you, it minimises her own failures towards you. Totally self serving and very harmful to you when you have finally opened up and being vulnerable.

Like, an attentive good mum would have noticed you werent ok.

I don't think anyone has a right to say someone is overreacting about an event sch as this that upset them as a kid tbh, even if the other person was a kid, even if you weren't touched, no matter what. However you feel about it is fine.

I think probably most of us have some kind of story about something that happened as children that we felt uncomfortable with.

I know a lot fo weird stuff is hanging around in my brain from being younger..some of it horrendous, others that I wonder why its stuck there as it seems like nothing.

Do you dwell on this at all or is it just something you think about sometimes? It might benefit you to speak to someone professionally about this. They will in no way minimize it if thats a concern.

I sometimes wonder if I should speak to someone about a really odd experience I remember/may not remember. Long stry short, my uncle used to pick me up from school most days and keep me til my parents finished work. I have a very vivid memory of hanging my arm out of the car window and pretending to be dead, wondering if doing so would make people call the police and we get pulled over. O really wanted the police to stop that car, thinking I was dead. I do not remember what I wanted them to do besides this though..Thats it. Its like it happened yesterday though and no idea why, I don't remember anything about my relationship with him either, just that one day, pretending to be dead..which sometimes makes me wonder as it seems so strange and I figure I must have had a reason but..nada. I tink about that a lot, trying to figure it out..

No idea why I just wrote that..think tis the first time I have said to anyone.

But my point was, if it upsets you, you are not wrong for this. Hell, if you remembered it and didn't care that doesn't make you wrong either. We are never wrong to feel any way about our own experiences. If its causing issues though, its best to talk about it with someone.

OP it's OK to feel how you do about this. I'm sorry your Mum minimised it when you were upset by it and it clearly was not OK. The boy was old enough to know what he did was wrong. Sometimes it can be difficult to process such an event experienced as a child with your adult knowledge of how wrong it is.
Do you think the intrusive thoughts are directly related to this event or could other things be contributing? Do you have negative feelings toward your Mum, or feel like you weren't believed or she didn't protect you properly?

Something very similar happened to me when I was the same sort of age. My sister and I ran home and told our Mum. She was furious. As we knew who the boy was she immediately went to his house with us, told his parents what had happened and tore strips off the boy. His parents were mortified and made him apologise. We never had any trouble again (not that we were allowed to the park alone for some time after that).

I remember not really understanding why she was so mad, and being shocked at how she responded. But the message we got was that he did something very bad, we did nothing wrong and she would protect and defend us always.

i don't know how old you are but this type of incident was common place in the 60's, 70's when parent supervision was very different to now. children were left unattended to get on with playing about and this kind of behavior was often called "playing doctor" and normalized.
even in affluent area's there were bushes and shrubs and all kinds of little nooks and crannies where this type of scenario played out.

It is a big deal as here you are, still affected by it some years later. He may have not touched you physically, but he has mentally which is just as bad if not worse. I agree with some of the others on this forum you should get some counselling to talk this through and process it in a way that will ease your worries of feeling guilty for something that is clearly not your fault. I hope you are able to put this into some form of context which will ease your mind.

@fallfallfall

i don't know how old you are but this type of incident was common place in the 60's, 70's when parent supervision was very different to now. children were left unattended to get on with playing about and this kind of behavior was often called "playing doctor" and normalized. even in affluent area's there were bushes and shrubs and all kinds of little nooks and crannies where this type of scenario played out.

That’s what I was thinking. Except i don’t think “playing doctor” ever meant older kids trying to force or bully another.

I remember neighbor kids literally all outside in a group saying “You show me yours and I’ll show you mine.” I said “NO! I don’t want to see yours.” That wasn’t the same at all as what OP experienced. It didn’t bother me beyond thinking they were stupid.

Two things happened to me as a child but it was done by a child of a similar age to me. I occasionally get a flash back but put it down to them being a curious child. I certainly didn’t understand it at the time.

It wasn’t your fault. He was older and he frightened you into it, that’s horrible!

It could have been sexual or just curiosity. When I was about 8 the boy next to me in class used to beg me to show him what ‘girl bits’ looked like and he’d show me his penis too. We used to compare differences under the table. I remember being fascinated.
But 8 is different to 10/11.

I can remember incidences of "you show me yours and I'll show you mine" but with kids of the same age so there wasn't the power imbalance of an 11 and 6 year old.

A boy that age would have known what he was doing was wrong, unless he had learning difficulties or was in an abusive situation himself where such behaviour was normalised.

In any case, you are definitely NOT overreacting. Your mother was wrong to trivialise it when you confided in her. I can remember a couple of similar situations from my own childhood and it was only when I got into my forties that I felt anger and not shame when looking back. Anger not just at the perpetrators, but also at myself for not unpacking it all sooner and recognising that the shame should have been theirs, not mine.

Behaviour like that should not be trivialised or swept under the carpet. I hope the boy who did that to you is suffering ongoing feelings of shame and regret, but I seriously doubt it.

I also completely identify with that gut instinct to protect your little sister. What a sad little specimen of humanity that boy was to put you in that predicament.