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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I call police on son?

44 replies

Teadrinka · 04/09/2020 23:45

OK - in brief:

My son now aged 24 has all kinds of issues. OK some justified, as a child he was abused by a former partner of mine

All the help available has been offered him.

Fast forward supporting him through very difficult drug and alcohol afflicted years...

After a 2 year sentence for a few violent offences (one against me) Probation temporarily placed him with my elderly,sick & disabled mother. I was horrified - but DS is her only grandchild & the sun shines out of his she has always spoiled him. I wasn't able to stop her taking him in.

Since then he's leached off her, she's had to take her purse to bed with her, hide any alcohol etc.

Now, my mum is in hospital with terminal cancer. My son is in her house & I think that he's having a party there.

Do I call the police & tell them this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Teadrinka · 05/09/2020 00:42

Thanks for your advice about the police I think that I'm probably over-thinking the situation. Also I haven't had a lot of sleep recently.

Perhaps I should have started by asking myself 'what might happen?'

Actually, probably not a lot - a few young people drinking, playing music & taking some drugs.

I think what was bothering me is that's it's my mother's house & the lack of respect that DS is showing.

But that's no reason for me to call the police is it?

Thank you for helping me to clarify my thoughts. That's the whole reason I posted before acting. Flowers

OP posts:
Feelingconfused2020 · 05/09/2020 00:42

It sounds like you are having a horrendous time and I massively sympathise. I don't think reporting him will accomplish much, I think it sounds like you are at the end of your tether. I don't blame you and I have no real advice apart from making sure you show him how much he is loved and remembering that the trauma of his abuse will be far worse than anything most of us ever have to go through. We have no idea of his suffering.

HermioneGranger20 · 05/09/2020 00:44

Has he broken any laws? You need a reason to call the police it sounds like you are trying to make one up. You don't actually know for sure he's even having a party.

Anordinarymum · 05/09/2020 00:46

greymauve Thank you x

OP Sometimes children no matter how old they are behave like their shoe size.
You can always sort things out later if he has made a mess etc etc.

Calling the police is not fair on him or on the police who have better things to do .
Best wishes

NeonPink · 05/09/2020 00:49

Please, please call your local Adult Safeguarding team. Tell them everything you've wrote on here (email it if you must) and they will investigate. The fact that she is taking her purse to bed with her suggests possible financial abuse which is a concern on its own. Even if nothing comes of it then at least you will know you have done your bit and voiced your concerns.

TitsOutForHarambe · 05/09/2020 00:53

I'm not sure the police would do much. Sounds like he's no stranger to them and wouldn't really care much, and I don't think they will be overly interested in the party anyway. I have called the police on a neighbour before when I knew there were people smoking crack in the house (very long story and I won't derail by telling it), and someone who was obviously off their face went to the door, spoke to the police outside for a bit, and then the police left. They didn't even go inside.

I'm not saying it would be pointless to call them, but I do wonder if they would just have a quick chat and then leave. And then your son is left pondering who called them... opens up some new resentment and possible trouble...

JessicaBlack101 · 05/09/2020 00:58

you can call the police if you have proof he is stealing from his gran. Or selling drugs as a dealer. But just using with a few friends? Police won't bother. Unless where you live has an extreme stance on any drugs.

But calling them on him for a party? sounds like my mother who was going to call the police when i wasn't home by midnight - when i was visiting at Christmas, when i was 35.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 05/09/2020 01:17

Good luck with all this, OP. You're in a very painful situation, wanting the best for both your son and your mother, although he is abusing his grandmother's love for him, while you're also facing the loss of your mother.
Try to take care of yourself as well as caring for those you love. I hope things turn out well for you all.
[Flowers]

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 05/09/2020 01:18

And here's that bouquet I meant to send xx
Flowers

BoomBoomsCousin · 05/09/2020 01:30

I guess I'm asking where other people would draw the line because I'm not so sure anymore.

I think he passed 'the line' some time ago. Assaulting you and others. Pulling a knife on the neighbour's son. These aren't things that it's okay to excuse because of his trauma, though his trauma is obviously relevant. And since he was convicted of assaulting you you clearly haven't excused these things.

I think your OP is asking 'My son needs help and my mother needs protecting, would shopping him to the police over a drug fueled party solve these problems?' Ultimately, the answer to that is - very unlikely.

I wish I had some advice on how you manage to achieve what you are after here. I don't. Our ability to support people who have experienced what your son is woefully inadequate. You can't fully protect your mother if she wants to take an approach that leaves her vulnerable because she is entitled to take those risks for herself. You can be there to pick up the pieces or offer support if it goes wrong.

I will say it sounds like you've had a hard time of things trying to support your son and fighting for him, and now coping with your mother's illness. Flowers I think your perseverance is incredible and you should cut yourself some slack. You aren't the one responsible for how badly things have gone. You can't eradicate what's happened in the past. It isn't totally down to you to make up for it. Be kind to yourself too and don't worry or blame yourself that you can't save everyone else.

AmelieV88 · 05/09/2020 01:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Anordinarymum · 05/09/2020 01:42

Agree with above poster. We don't have the resources to support young people who have lost their way and many of them end up lost in the criminal justice system.

Perhaps he will grow up when his grandmother comes home but OP will have to be prepared for the fallout when she dies

Anordinarymum · 05/09/2020 01:43

Sorry I meant agree with Boomboom's cousin X

melj1213 · 05/09/2020 02:01

Putting aside the idea of calling the police for a possible party, how is it going to work when your mum comes home?

Is he still on probation? If not then are you going to ask him to leave? If he is then you need to contact them. Since one of his convictions was for a violent assault against you, if you want to move ìn to care for your mum then will he also be allowed to reside their too? If not then he will have to find somewhere else, approved by probation, to live.

As your mum is terminal, whilst you may be planning to do most of the care, are you planning on having any other carers/support workers in, whether privately paid or through social services/hospice to help you? If so, and they are going to be working in the home, you may have to disclose that there is someone living there who has at least one conviction for violent assault as part of the risk assessment.

Additionally, does your mum want him to leave? If she does then she needs to start by asking him to leave (if he refuses/gets aggressive then phone the police).

combatbarbie · 05/09/2020 02:33

Erm your son was abused by your husband and now he's an adult, not coping so resorting to drugs etc you want to grass him up??

Do you take any ownership of how he has turned out? Having "therapy" isn't a cure. I'll hedge my bets he wasn't given the right therapy or medication hence why he is still messed up.

Newgirl20 · 05/09/2020 02:41

This sounds like someone I used to be friends with years back, his poor nan would put up with everyone in and out at all hours, him in and out of prison, I would make a point of chatting to her and respecting her house rules, I think he went back to prison I haven't spoken to him for about 2 years and I've heard rumours he's on a downward spiral, it's sad because he actually seemed fairly intelligent and nice but I guess life messes up some people. Unfortunately at his age now I think you can only have interventions, the mental health teams will do nothing for him

alphabetsoup1980 · 05/09/2020 08:14

Errrr you clearly have no experience of substance abuse and addiction! My father is an addict qnd I've cut ties with him. Does that mean I've let him down? ?? No it does not.. This lady is not letting her son down in any way. The ignorance on this forum is staggering!

MaxiPaddy · 05/09/2020 11:28

@Anordinarymum

I sincerely hope this is not another of those late night troll posts.

I lost my son in an accident at 24 years old. I would give anything, anything to have just 5 minutes with him, and I read stuff like this. It kills me inside. I just hope you don't let him down now as he has so obviously been let down before

Sad Flowers
Thisisnotnormal69 · 05/09/2020 11:34

Do your son and your mother get on usually, is he kind to her etc?

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