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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Family visits after pregnancy.

25 replies

HollyM97 · 04/09/2020 20:08

I gave birth to my daughter in August 2019 and my mother and father have only visited me 3 times since she was born. I've had absolutely no help from them whatsoever in terms of sleep, cleaning, taking her for days out etc.

I'm now pregnant with my second child and extremely unwell. My DH has to pick up the slack and look after me and I've told them how Ill I am and that I need help but it's still not enough for them to come over.

They only live a 30 minute drive from me and it's starting to really get me down.

What were your experiences with family after giving birth?

Is it normal for me to be and feel so lonely?

Thank you girls.

OP posts:

Leaannb · 04/09/2020 20:11

Its not your parwnts job to jelp you. It is your husband's job to help you

Original poster

HollyM97 · 04/09/2020 20:14

It's not just about helping me. They refuse to visit her. She's 13 months old and they've visited 3 times for approximately 2 hours at a time.

I'm always the one that's expected to go over there in order for them to see her.

Doesn't it go both ways?

OP posts:

EatDessertFirst · 04/09/2020 20:15

Agree with pp, its up to you and your husband to deal with unfortunately.

It would be kind of them to offer help but they are under no obligation. It is shitty of them though.

stoptheworldiwant2getoff · 04/09/2020 20:18

Depends on their age and mobility etc. I go to my parents more than them here as they don't have much money for travel and are getting old and struggle to get about.

Original poster

HollyM97 · 04/09/2020 20:19

I'll rephrase what I meant, I don't expect my mum and dad to look after her every single day, but I do expect them to take an interest in her and my life because they are her grandparents.

I don't think it's unreasonable for me to feel down about the fact that they're more interested in their business than their family.

They're not old, my mum is in her 40s and my dad in his 50s and they're both fit and healthy.

I don't know, it just doesn't feel natural to me that this is normal behaviour.

OP posts:

EL8888 · 04/09/2020 20:20

It’s not their job to care for your children though, they are your children. It does sound like they should make more effort coming to see you both, as that cuts both ways.

My ex husbands brother often tried to off load his children onto us. We had our own lives were busy with work etc. After a 40-50 hour weeks we wanted some down time in the evening and at the weekend

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 04/09/2020 20:20

I'd have been lost without my parents help the first few months. I know it's your responsibility, it's not their job to help you etc etc...but I'd never stand back and watch a good friend or family member struggle when I could help and choose not to, and I can't imagine that changing with adult children

Original poster

HollyM97 · 04/09/2020 20:20

They are also both extremely well off. Much more well off than I am.

They have loads of spare time but choose to spend it in their mansion instead of visiting me in my 3 bed flat

OP posts:

RealMermaid · 04/09/2020 20:21

They're not obliged to help you but you're not unreasonable to be disappointed that they don't seem to be interested in visiting your child or helping you out. A lot of families do provide that kind of support. Unfortunately there's not a lot you can do about that other than ask them outright to help/why they're not offering.

Original poster

HollyM97 · 04/09/2020 20:23

I don't expect my parents to look after my daughter. I just want them to visit at least once a month and take some sort of interest.

I get that I have to look after my children, and I do a very good job but it would be nice to be on the top of their priority list at least more than 3 times a year

OP posts:

Greeneyes78 · 04/09/2020 20:24

i feel for you op and some of the responses have been quite harsh. how you’re feeling is. normal. i have 2 daughters and cant imagine treating them like that. my own mother came from a different country when each of my three children were born and i had three under two.

have you spoken to them, have you asked? some people need to be asked

FoxtrotOscarPoppet · 04/09/2020 20:25

In your boat OP I’d be very disappointed at how little they’ve visited their grandchild.

All my NCT friends had huge support from their parents (especially their mums) after giving birth and I don’t have a mum so feel like I missed out.
My in-laws were supportive and I could have picked up the phone at any time of day and night and they would be here if we needed them. However it wasn’t quite the same as having my own parents on hand.
Yes...... it is your husbands job to help you but I complete understand why you feel lonely.
I hope to still be around to see my grandchildren and fully intend to be as much of a support as I can when the time comes.

MrsxRocky · 04/09/2020 20:25

You sound like you were struggling with one and wanted more support and now you're pregnant again.
I think your parents from sound of it aren't an option so you are going to have to find ways of alleviating pressure on yourself. Walks with buggy, baby groups or soft play, parks etc. They all break day up and wear the kids out and it's fun.
Worst thing you can do is stay home because tired etc, just gets worse.

Merryoldgoat · 04/09/2020 20:26

OP - they aren’t interested. Yes, they should be, yes, they’re selfish. It’s their prerogative.

I suspect they’ve always been that way. It’s just not been so obvious until now.

thistimeitsdifferent · 04/09/2020 20:26

You’re getting a hard time on here for some reason OP.

YANBU. I’d expect my parents to want to see my kids 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster

HollyM97 · 04/09/2020 20:28

GreenEyes78 Thank you, maybe I didn't get my point across to the other posters properly.

At least I know I'm not being totally unreasonable. Thank you for your kind response :-)

OP posts:

Disco91 · 04/09/2020 20:28

YANBU - Mumsnet will tell you differently as the consensus here is that you should expect nothing at all from grandparents and your an awful person if you do.

However, I’d be upset in your shoes if they didn’t show an interest in my child and not want a proper relationship with them. It’s not about expecting them to help with childcare or the housework, it’s the feeling they don’t care enough to help you out when life is tough that would be upsetting.

Maybe you should ask them and tell them how you feel? They might be oblivious and it might help get it off your chest

FelicityPike · 04/09/2020 20:31

Maybe they don’t want to visit or “help” you?

schoolrummum · 04/09/2020 20:31

Stop going over and have a chat with them. If you don't think they want to spend time with you or your child then stop making the effort to have a relationship. I have been in your position and driven 3 hour round trips to my parents just hoping they would be the parents/grandparents I wanted them to be - loving and supportive. That's not who they are and it's taken a lot of counselling for me to see that. I did those trips heavily pregnant and with tiny children in the car and they didn't even appreciate it never mind travel to me. Protect yourself from any relationship that takes away more than it gives.

ButtonandPickle19 · 04/09/2020 20:32

My pil are like this and I know it hurts my DH a lot. I’m sorry :(

Pinkiii · 04/09/2020 20:36

That’s disappointing OP. Not sure what MN has against family helping family out. In the real world, everyone around me who has had babies has some kind of help from parents /families and if they can’t then at least they show an interest in their grandchild. Seeing your grandchild 3 times in a year is a bit weird imo.

Have you tried to speak to them about it? Do you have any other family that you can speak to and ask for help when needed?

Its so important to have some network when you have a baby and i’m sorry you’re not getting that from your parents.

Original poster

HollyM97 · 04/09/2020 20:52

Thank you for all your responses.

I'll try and speak to them and let you know the outcome.

OP posts:

TheHappyHerbivore · 04/09/2020 20:53

That’s rubbish OP. I would be upset too. I know nobody is entitled to help from their parents, but that doesn’t mean it’s not devastating when they show so little interest.

schoolrummum · 04/09/2020 20:53

Good luck Holly, hope they listen. You are not being entitled as some would have you believe. Wanting a proper relationship that is two sided is not demanding.

SummerBaby2020 · 04/09/2020 21:15

I had my first end of June this year so still in lockdown and was in hospital for a week with no visitors at all even my partner. As soon as we were home, both sets of parents were at the end of the driveway and couldn’t wait to see her it was heartbreaking. She was 10 days old when restrictions were lifted and after HV said it was ok they held her that day. We FaceTime and phone every day and come over at least once a week ( sometimes 2-4 times ). MN has been really harsh I have noticed, especially the past couple of days. Yes when you have kids you have them for you not your parents but come on to feck, is it that bad to expect your own parents to take a bit of an interest in their grandchildren and if not, to be hurt by it?!

I’m sorry people have been so harsh with you @HollyM97 it’s not that you want them to watch them exactly but just to come and spend a bit of time with them in their own home ( your home not your parents ) I would be really hurt if it was my parents too and tbh one of my parents are disabled and the other one still works full time and they still make time for my LG. I would maybe have a word with them and tell them how your feeling. I would also like to say from a child’s point of view, I had a grandparent like your parents and now I’m much older I keep my distance because it hurt me what they did like they couldn’t be bothered with me or my siblings. Your LO’s will end up doing the same if they don’t change x

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