Wanted peoples thoughts on this ...
Bit of backstory
Me and DP do not live together we was supposed to get a place for us all when our son was 3 months old (he has 2 DC previous and I have older DS). He didn’t save as he was supposed to moped around when it all came out and offered no reason why he didn’t manage to save a penny at that point . I then got a place for my two DC and I and he continued to live with his parents but stays over some days in the week, has his DC at his parents etc .
He still never seemed to have money but at this point I don’t see his finances as my problem. I have done what I can with the situation and don’t want to mother someone about money.
He was supposed to be saving for Christmas and birthday presents for DC ( his and ours) i overheard a conversation and it has since transpired a few days ago that he has gambled lots of money got into lots of debts, his dad has already bailed him out of almost £4000 of pay day loans 2 months ago and he has wracked up more debts since.
Now has almost as much money going out as coming in and can’t afford to feed his children at his parents or buy presents.
Personally as sh** as that is from him, it doesn’t deeply impact my life as I went down the route of doing things financially separately and yes it’s massively irresponsible and horrendous parenting. Also puts extra pressure on me in regards to Christmas but I know I have a roof over my head and DC.
However now he is moping, stressy and not pleasant to be around since this had all come out in the open. Today he was stressing shouted at my older DC and made both DS and baby cry from shouting .... I took the baby and then he went upstairs to sulk on the bed and has been there ever since. Leaving me to do everything myself tonight and it was the only night I could have any kind of help. He has been on lates all week and will be at his house this weekend with his DC.
I know he is struggling mentally... obviously it is his mess and he needs to fix it but I want him to be ok. But I have to DC to look after and I couldn’t take myself off to bed for the day when things got too much. I’m doing it all day everyday by myself 99% of the time.
When this all came out I said I’m obviously disappointed and most a lot of respect for you as you gambled money and took risks with your own DC. However it’s what you do next that I care about. If you wallow around and beat yourself up over it then nothing’s gonna get better and everyone is going to miserable . If you make positive changes and start turning things around things for you and all DC, then the positive changes will help me believe in you again.
Now I’m not sure if I should be more comforting than I am.... depression, debt and gambling addiction are pretty crap things to go through mentally. But I don’t feel I have the time to help coax him out of this hole and he is gonna need to do it himself.
I understand I am getting very little out of this relationship at the moment but at this moment that isn’t something I’m stressing myself over.
But when dealing with these issues do I need to be willing to really work with him to help him fix his mess in order to have any chance of him being able to fix it or can I leave him to mope and sulk alone and he finds his own way in this?
I want him to be happy but I’m not willing to work myself into the ground to make that happen and I’m not even sure it’s really possible.
I know he is going to be upset I left him to sulk and ignored him ....