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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want offender named and shamed?

23 replies

Reelaa · 04/09/2020 16:50

I was the victim of voyeurism in a public swimming pool, and caught a man filming me in the shower last year. He was arrested and admitted it, but only recently went to court as police were waiting for his phone to be examined for months. The outcome of the case I found acceptable, but what I really wanted was for the press to name and shame him - I live in a small town and I think that would have been more of a punishment for him for everyone who knows him to find out what he had done. Especially because he admitted that he had done it several times before, and I imagine there are many more victims (which the police had no evidence for). I guess because of covid the press weren't in court, and I don't want to out myself on social media so he doesn't find out who I am. I have the victim support letter with his name on and the outcome of the court case stating the sentences he was given (non custodial) and that he's on the sex offenders register etc.

It's so tempting to get someone to leak it on the local Facebook group but I don't want it to get back to me. What would you do?

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 04/09/2020 16:52

I'd send it to the Daily Mail, tbh.

WeeWelshWoman · 04/09/2020 16:53

If he was found guilty or pleaded guilty it is a matter of public record. You can go directly to the press with your story. You do not need to leak it. You can maintain anonymity, or you can waive it.

unmarkedbythat · 04/09/2020 16:53

What would you do?

Be angry, very angry, wish him ill and hope that something terrible happened to him. But I don't support vigilante justice and I wouldn't out him or get someone else to out him, either.

I'm so sorry he did that to you.

MrsFionaCharming · 04/09/2020 16:53

One on hand... this could lead to vigilante justice Which is bad.

On the other hand, people rarely care about men who commit crimes against women (mostly focusing on paedophiles), and other women have the right to be warned.

I’d go for the leaking.

Original poster

Reelaa · 04/09/2020 16:56

The other thing I am aware of, which I probably should have mentioned, is I know he has a (probably) ex wife now, and two young daughters (work colleague knew who he was). As much as it was disgusting what he did and I want him shamed, they don't really deserve to have that hanging over them on the internet for all time.

OP posts:

yeOldeTrout · 04/09/2020 16:58

Gosh, that's timely with the lead BBC story and all.

Greeneyes78 · 04/09/2020 16:59

indeed, his family are innocent and he has been punished so i’d leave it there

Lsquiggles · 04/09/2020 16:59

Do what you need to do OP

Justcallmebebes · 04/09/2020 17:00

Inform the press. There's an article in DM this afternoon regarding a man filming a woman naked as she was sleeping. Took her 5 years to get it to Court. Name and shame him. If he's been sentenced it's a matter of public record so you're not doing anything wrong. Fight back!

Original poster

Reelaa · 04/09/2020 17:01

@yeOldeTrout it was seeing that article that made me think more about my case and check the local news website again today. He was in court in July and I was hoping the local press are just slow to report on court cases (as they previously have been) but nothing has appeared so I guess it's not gonna happen.

OP posts:

SchrodingersImmigrant · 04/09/2020 17:05

There may be a reason for why he wasn't named anywhere in press. Not just covid. If there was a vulnerable victim for example and it would out them too.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 04/09/2020 17:05

@yeOldeTrout

Gosh, that's timely with the lead BBC story and all.

Oh nice catch

HowDeeDooDee · 04/09/2020 17:09

Do you think the other possible victims want it in the news.

Original poster

Reelaa · 04/09/2020 17:11

@SchrodingersImmigrant I think unlikely, as police were waiting so long to charge him even though he admitted it (over a year), and eventually admitted they couldn't get into his phone, so decided just to charge him on my crime in the end due to time elapsed. And I definitely wouldn't say I'm a vulnerable victim.

I ran round the swimming pool changing rooms in just my towel chasing after him actually and grabbed his arm 😂. Probably a stupid think to do considering he was considerably larger/older than me but there was no way I was letting him leave with footage of me on his phone.

OP posts:

Original poster

Reelaa · 04/09/2020 17:12

@HowDeeDooDee I don't think anyone else knows they were a victim yet

OP posts:

nosswith · 04/09/2020 17:17

Talk to the local press. Given what has happened today, this may be a relevant story to tell (local angle, not isolated).

AcrossthePond55 · 04/09/2020 17:22

Do others in the community know what happened to you? If so or if not and you don't mind telling I'd just find a way to drop in a few conversations "You remember what happened to me last year (or I wanted to tell you what happened)? Well, XX was convicted last week/month/whenever and he will have to go on the Sex Offender's register. And he even admitted in court he's done it before!". If you're in a small town it will spread like wildfire.

OhCaptain · 04/09/2020 17:24

If your town is small I’d rely on heavily on word of mouth!

Tell someone who’ll tell someone who’ll tell someone...

Sorry he did that to you. Absolute scumbag.

PawPawNoodle · 04/09/2020 17:26

Hi - nothing to add about the content of your post however just wanted to note about this bit:

don't want to out myself on social media so he doesn't find out who I am

He will have your name already from court proceedings. I'm not sure if you mean that or just being linked to your FB specifically.

Original poster

Reelaa · 04/09/2020 17:27

If I'm being honest, I think my conscience over his daughters having to deal with the repercussions of what their dad did as a direct result of me speaking to the press is not something I want to subject them to. They may not even know what he did yet. (Think they are somewhere around the age of 9-12ish). I don't want to be the one responsible for the years of shame and bullying they may end up facing. (Although I know ultimately that shame lies with their dad).

I just feel like telling people about it on here makes me feel better (even though it's anonymous). I know I would still feel bad for the family if the press had reported it, but I guess at least it wouldn't have come from me.

OP posts:

MrsSwears2Much · 04/09/2020 17:31

Do not put him please. My brother was found guilty of downloading child pornography. What was an already harrowing time for my family was made extremely more difficult by the local press running the story. Rightly or wrongly, it really is the family that suffers the most from the press releases. I lost many friends and couldn't hold my head up for years, all through being related to a pedophile.

Original poster

Reelaa · 04/09/2020 17:32

A few people locally know what happened, especially my work colleague who was friends of the family and had been around his house for dinner etc! Hasn't managed to spread the word though.

@PolPotNoodle I have a feeling that victims are anonymous in sex offender crimes, I may be wrong. But yes even if he knows my name I don't want everyone in the town knowing it was me.

OP posts:

NoSleepInTheHeat · 04/09/2020 18:22

I would talk to people about it. Protecting his family shouldn’t trump warning other local women about him!

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