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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult step-siblings - really “step”?

13 replies

Cloudtraffic · 03/09/2020 21:54

This is more a WWYD

I’m inclined to do nothing as it has no impact on me or mine and all very historic really - however it is playing on my mind - so therefore must be something bothering me!

So...

DF (now deceased for 10 years) met and had a happy second marriage with my DSM (still alive). This was 25* year marriage

When they met DSM had two kids (20 years younger than me) and when they first (?) got together the kids were aged 2 and 3

DF later officially “adopted” kids when they were pre-school age - so technically they are my full siblings. That’s what he said and no reason to doubt at time

Fast forward 20 odd years- DF now deceased and my Step siblings now full adults with three kids of their own

We are in irregular contact but friends on social media etc...

Increasingly my DF,s “non-biological” grandkids are looking like him (and me and my DC!)

My DM has long moved on from first marriage (so no issues there) but I’m wondering - would you want to know if your step-siblings were blood related and consequently their kids too?

It will not make a difference to ongoing relations but almost feel “a need” to know — without any judgement or repercussions

OP posts:
DinosaurOfFire · 03/09/2020 22:34

Could you look up their birth certificates/ records? I would want to know, personally. Especially if there is a physical resemblance to both you and your father.

Alexandernevermind · 03/09/2020 22:37

Get DNA test to seeing you are sibling matches.

Alexandernevermind · 03/09/2020 22:38

Can you tell it's late? In English this time! Get DNA tests to see if you are sibling matches.

flissity · 03/09/2020 22:38

So are you saying that you think your dad could have had an affair and the kids are actually bio his? I guess the only way to find out would be dna tests, or asking your Dsm? Are you close?

Yes I’d also want to know.

Potterpotterpotter · 03/09/2020 22:39

Look up birth records ?

If all else fails I’d do a dna test to find out.

I’d want to know

FlorenceNightshade · 03/09/2020 22:47

Ask your DSM. If possible ask her face to face with no warning, you’ll probably have your answer there.

If that’s not a goer find photos that look similar and ask your “siblings” if they notice anything odd.

I’d ask your Mum too. She might know the truth and if she’s really moved on she’s have no reason not to tell you

Witchend · 03/09/2020 22:54

It's possible.
However adopted children often do pick up mannerisms from parents which can make them look very similar.
I know two families like that who adopted children who were definitely no relation who you would swear the children were so similar to one or other of their parents in looks.

Original poster
Cloudtraffic · 03/09/2020 22:56

Thanks all

No not that close at all but that’s due to age and circumstances- so no contact beyond usual birthday and Christmas cards.

We live miles apart and so having intimate chat or DNA tests out of question!

Glad you think I’m not odd for wondering though - it really makes no difference to me or my immediate family - just can’t shake this “I’d like to know one way or other” feeling

OP posts:
Original poster
Cloudtraffic · 03/09/2020 22:59

@witchend that’s interesting to know as I never had these thoughts when step siblings were younger - I see it now in adult male step siblings and their male children. Maybe I’m projecting!!

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 03/09/2020 23:02

However adopted children often do pick up mannerisms from parents which can make them look very similar.

This. One of my friend's DSs could not be more like him in every way, despite no genes in common.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 03/09/2020 23:02

You could always look up their birth certificates, just in case his name is on them. Or, as others have said, bring it up in a gentle manner with your DSM.

BoomBoomsCousin · 03/09/2020 23:20

I can see why you're curious, I would be too. But it's a delicate situation There's the possibility he's the father on the birth certificate, was your DSM married before she was married to your DF? Have you ever talked to your step-siblings about their biological father? Getting birth certificates for one of your step siblings is probably the easiest first step. But, of course, even if she wasn't married to someone else at the time, and he was the father, she didn't necessarily put his name on.

DNA would require their permission, though you could buy everyone 23 and me kits for Christmas this year.

Original poster
Cloudtraffic · 04/09/2020 08:22

Think I’ll just remain curious!

No harm either way and doesn’t change feelings toward anyone.

DSM was previously married and her ex was named as father on bc - kids were adopted later by DF as her ex paid no interest (as far as I recall - kids were happy with this arrangement and took his/our surname

Fascinating about assimilation though - perhaps I see likeness in mannerisms and not looks IYSWIM

OP posts:
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