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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to hide I'm looking for a new job?

10 replies

shropshire11 · 03/09/2020 21:08

I'll try to keep this short as I am in an ethical quandary.

I work in a small two-person consulting company with a man who owns the whole business. I am very well-paid, but the job is very stressful - long hours, weekend work, tight deadlines, etc.

In particular, my boss is very demanding. We get on well as people - in fact I like him a lot as a friend - but he doesn't see how incredibly difficult his work style is (unreasonable demands, moodswings, confusing instructions).

In the last two years we have hired six people to try and grow the business - all have quit within a week to a few months. When they leave, to keep the peace they make up an excuse, but most have confided in me that they find my boss impossible to deal with. He refuses to see this.

I have stuck it out for two years, largely because the money is excellent and I have been able to compartmentalise the stress. But working from home for six months has ground me down and now I find the job almost impossible.

I've been looking around for a year, but the marketplace has not been good (especially since COVID) and I'm reluctant to move for the sake of it. I'm shortlisted for another role (a good one), but won't know about this for 2 months.

Last week we lost yet another new employee. My boss and I had a heart-to-heart and he asked me straight out if I was looking elsewhere, and said if I was I should tell him.

I said I wasn't. But I feel very conflicted. I don't think it's reasonable to ask me to commit to a business when he is so hard to work with, and I have no stake. (I also have a three-month notice so he wouldn't be left too much in the lurch if I did quit). So I could keep my mouth shut.

But part of me would rather be honest and say I'm looking around. If I am honest though, I run the risk of being got rid of, the other job falling through, and ending up unemployed.

Should I tell him he's impossible and I'm looking around, or keep it to myself and just drop the bomb when I decide to leave?

OP posts:
Conniethesensible · 03/09/2020 21:11

I think not telling him is eating you, sometimes you just gotta lay it to them bare. He’s your friend so just be straight up.

If they double down with their BS, that isn’t a reflection of you.

Nacreous · 03/09/2020 21:14

I would keep my mouth shut unless you're sure he won't get rid of you but perhaps try and have a discussion about how he's difficult to work with, as if you're leaving there's no loss to you and if he managed to behave himself it sounds like you'd maybe be able to stay?

workingfortheclampdown · 03/09/2020 21:14

The problem is, if he doesn't handle it well it could get even worse to work with him - and you may not have another job to go to for a long time. The most important thing is not to risk your livelihood - anything else is secondary.

Besides, why does he get away with making your work life so stressful but you owe him more than three months notice? You're giving him way more consideration than he is giving you here.

ScrapThatThen · 03/09/2020 21:18

Say 'honestly, as you asked, I have looked, and I am highly likely to look elsewhere in the short to medium term because however nice a person you are this way of working is not sustainable for anyone as evidenced by all the people you drive away'. Reality check.

rottiemum88 · 03/09/2020 21:21

@ScrapThatThen

Say 'honestly, as you asked, I have looked, and I am highly likely to look elsewhere in the short to medium term because however nice a person you are this way of working is not sustainable for anyone as evidenced by all the people you drive away'. Reality check.
I'd probably go along these lines too. Allow just enough space in the conversation to suggest he still has the chance to change the outcome, but make it clear that you're serious about not being able to go on as you have been
Lonoxo · 03/09/2020 21:24

I wouldn’t. Your only loyalty is to yourself, you have to look after No. 1. Surely, he doesn’t need somebody else to point out where he’s going wrong? With such a high turnover, an intelligent person would figure out the common denominator. If you want to have a honest chat, the best time to do that would be informally as friends over a drink or dinner once you are nicely settled in your new job.

MinesAPintOfTea · 03/09/2020 21:25

I wouldn't. The job you end up getting is just a speculative CV after you were headhunted, and it was an offer you couldn't refuse, right?

shropshire11 · 03/09/2020 21:53

Thanks for the thoughtful advice above. I'm tempted to agree that I don't owe him loyalty, and maybe I am in danger of being a mug. On the other hand, this business (small as it is) is my boss's dream and much of his life. I'd like to leave in a way that doesn't endanger that.

At the end of the day I suppose it comes down to whether jobs are just about money, or whether they are about loyalty. If the boot was on the other foot I would expect him to make some efforts to keep me but I wouldn't ever ask him to promise to do so! Which is why I feel this is an uneven arrangement.

OP posts:
Asdf12345 · 03/09/2020 21:56

Be honest. I had a crap job turn around completely when I couldn’t stay late due to a job interview elsewhere. Five years on they have thrown everything possible at developing my role and I could readily see myself staying till retirement.

SarahBellam · 03/09/2020 22:13

Would you stay if the demands were reasonable? It might be worth having a conversation with him and tell him that while he is a great person the demands of the role as he sees it are too much for you and that you need a more realistic working pattern. That you don’t want to leave but this is becoming too much. You never know - it might help him realise that he has unrealistic expectations.

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