AIBU - to think they have been a bit thoughtless and to be upset (mostly at myself)?

9 replies

HumptyDumpty1947 · 03/09/2020 19:28

My much loved father died recently. I sorted his belongings out with the help of a family member ( I didn't ask - a friend also offered but he insisted). Some of our family asked for items that belonged to my father. The family member very kindly offered to take them and drop them off. I had put in place arrangements to do this myself but again (being very kind and with the best of intentions) he insisted/ would not take no. He said he could do it the next day- they only live around the corner from him so I didn't think it would be a problem.

Several weeks later it transpires that he still hasn't dropped the items off. Instead he has stored them in a building that he uses to grow products that smell.very strong. I am very upset /annoyed as the items were very precious to me and now will be ruined by the smell (I dont think it will be possible too remove the smell). I am mostly annoyed at myself for trusting this individual and not just doing what I had planned to do in the first place. I know it wasn't intentional but if they had just said they couldn't do it I would have put other arrangements in place. It would have been no bother at all- now everything is ruined. I know it is a lesson for me/that they only had. the best of intentions but the items belonging to my father are irreplaceable. I could kick myself for being so stupid.

I need to calm down - was meant to be seeing the family member this weekend but think its probably best if I just avoid. I can't believe I have been so ridiculous and stupid.... I know I am being unreasonable - just upset. Sorry.

OP posts:

DarlingCoffee · 03/09/2020 20:19

First of all I’m so sorry for your loss. Can you speak or perhaps send a text to the family member asking them to confirm a date and time when they can do the delivery? I am sure the items are fine but that it would put your mind at ease to know when they will be in their rightful new homes. They were part of your fathers life so I can understand why you feel the way you do. You are doing the best you can, please be kind to yourself and if you feel the need to be alone, I would do so and make no apologies for it. Take care

7yo7yo · 03/09/2020 20:21

Go and get them. Then deliver yourself.make it clear that you are upset as these belongings were important and irreplaceable.
Don’t be nice and spare their feelings and say it’s ok because it’s not.
Sorry about your dad .

Wearywithteens · 03/09/2020 20:30

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

CitizenFame · 03/09/2020 20:32

It sounds like you are overreacting and emotional because of the loss you have experienced which is completely understandable . No items will be forever ruined by a smell they have been in contact with for just a few weeks. This sounds like an angry emotion that you are projecting towards this particular situation. You are not stupid or ridiculous. You have made (in your own head) a mistake. That's it. It wasn't on purpose and it's nobody's fault.

WarmSausageTea · 03/09/2020 20:36

No items will be forever ruined by a smell they have been in contact with for just a few weeks.

Our belongings were smoke damaged due to a fire in the house next door (shared wall). The smell couldn’t be shifted, even with repeated professional treatment, and everything ‘soft’ was eventually written off. So yes, items can be ruined by a smell.

CitizenFame · 03/09/2020 20:49

It's not fire damaged smell though. The OP has implied (even though they didn't specifically say it) what the smell has come from and it won't forever ruin items.

LaurieFairyCake · 03/09/2020 21:51

Are you worried that the people you were giving the items to will just chuck them out because of the smell?

FairyF1 · 03/09/2020 22:08

Thanks. Yes am worried that people who requested the items will now just throw them out. I will ask that they don’t. I would rather have them back. They have been dropped off tonight. Just feeling pretty useless I suppose. My Dad died in a lot of pain and I wasn’t able to persuade the hospital to give him the pain medication he needed (he was just on paracetamol as the dr’s said anything stronger would mask the symptoms). He died screaming in pain. I failed him then and keep doing it now. Feel completely useless.

7yo7yo · 04/09/2020 12:46

@ FairyF1 you DID NOT fail your dad.
The hospital should have given him better analgesia but you did not fail him and you are not failing him in this. You assumes that his belongings were being given to someone who would appreciate them but the “intermediary” has let you down.
I would highly recommend counselling to help deal with your grief and your feelings of guilt.

Flip