Teenage love!

[koalafied]

My 17yr old has now got a girlfriend (15) as far as I know it's his first one. It all seems fast and intense (from what I'm seeing on social media) he spend a lot of time out and about with her. I've only seen her once. I think they've only been together officially 2 weeks. Last week I text to see where he was and he was vague. I think he was in her house and he's already said her parents were out for lunch. I'm not comfortable with them being alone in a house together, AIBU? Also AIBU to want to discuss some ground rules with her parents? I look back and think about what I was getting up to at their age and shudder at the thought of them doing the same so young and so early in their relationship. I know I was to young for some of it. I'm happy for them to be together in our house, maybe his room but with the door open. I do have a impressionable 11yr old to think of to. I don't know if I'm over reacting to this situation, it new to me to be on the other side of things. Any experience or advice would be great.

I wouldn't be supportive of a 17 and 15 year old at all tbh.

It's a tricky one to navigate though as your ds is old enough to have sex, and do what he wants really, whereas she is not.

I would probably have a very honest chat with my ds if he did this, and I would really try and encourage him to put a pause on their relationship until she is 16.

I'm not sure theres a lot else you can do really.

Are you sure her parents know that their underage daughter is seeing a 17 year old?

She's under age so you have to have a very frank conversation with your son about the possible consequences of under age sex. I don't think you need to involve her parents in that, it's up to them to have the same conversation with their daughter.

He’s 17, he’s basically an adult. I would advise you to leave them alone and stop infantilising them. Don’t try and get her parents involved by setting up ground rules. Me and my partner were both 17 when we started dating, we’re still together at 26.

Your son is a young adult now, and will most likely be leaving home in the next year or so anyway. I know it’s tough but the best thing you can do is be there if he asks for advice, or if he needs you and just let their relationship do what it needs to do (assuming they are being respectful and safe). First relationships can be intense and move quickly and that’s ok! It will most likely run its course soon and you can be there to hug him when he cries.

Also even if it does last then teenage relationships aren’t all bad. Being with my partner so young allowed us to grow together, go to uni together and do masters degrees together. We now have very good careers and a great life as are very happy.

He's old enough to be around at his girlfriend's house, and old enough to have her round your house without having to leave the door open. He's old enough to drive a car for goodness sake.

If you're concerned about him sexually assaulting/raping an underage girl then that's a different story. Definitely make sure the parents of the girl know what's going on in any case.

Calm down Boris!

If your Son doesn't respect the fact that she's underage to give consent & that she might feel pressured into saying yes to 'keep him' then you've not done a great job of raising him so far & it's a bit late to start panicking now!

But talk to him, explain what he should already know!

Explain all about condoms, sexual health AND pregnancy. That if HE doesn't want to be a father, HE needs to use a condom EVERY time, no matter what the girl says.

Honestly, he's 17, why have you left it thus late???

He's old enough, she's not, but she might be 16 soon. When is he 18?

I know it's a worry when it's all new but just be relaxed about it. The more you are then the more they are likely to hang out at your house. Don't contact the parents that would be weird, unless he says he can sleep over at hers then you might want to run it by them via text that they are happy with it. I presume you've spoken to him about contraception and consent. Age wise there's not much in it she may be about to turn 16?

It's all a minefield, good luck!

I'm pretty sure they aren't have sex but things can move so quickly. He's actually 17 next week and I think she's almost 16 so the ages are not that different. He understands the age of consent etc.

I met my first proper boyfriend when I was 16 and he was 18, I'm still with him almost 24 years later! My son isn't as mature socially as others his age, he has Aspergers which can make things different to understand. I was much more worldly experienced when I was 16 than he is now.

My son and his girlfriend have a similar age gap. He is year 11 and is 16, he turns 17 early next year. She is Year 10 but is one of the very youngest in the year, she turned 15 a couple of weeks ago.

I've spoken to him and tried to instil that no matter what she says she wants as the relationship progresses she is underage and CANNOT give consent.

My son, too has autism, socially and emotionally he has always been about 2 years behind his actual age.

Two kids from his school have just had a baby (she gave birth in the middle of what would have been her GCSE's) and he has spoken a lot about her boyfriend is a waster, and they have both been stupid and he can see him leaving her with the responsibility and how hard it will be etc and how he loves kids and thinks babies are cute but he no way would want that responsibility at this point in his life.

So hopefully he will take notice.

Open dialogue is vital. Even if it feels like you're labouring the point and he doesn't join in, it will keep it fresh in his mind. Contrary to popular belief teens can be sensible and make good choices so keeping these issues out in the open is so important. It's good for your 11 year old to overhear it too.

It is tricky and you do need to have a conversation. If she was my daughter though there is no way I’d be letting them be in the house alone. She’s only 15l. I wouldn’t be Happy at all if she had a 17 year old boyfriend.

There are 13 months between them.

Yes I think you should be speaking with the other parents.

@nosswith

Yes I think you should be speaking with the other parents.

If the op wants a good, trusting relationship, with her dc she shouldn't contact his girlfriends parents. It is too intense.

They are older teens, you've got to at some point just hope all the discussions and advice you've given them have been effective and trust them.

No don’t go running to the girl’s parents but do sit your son down and explain that you’d rather that they didn’t spend time alone in the bedroom and explain your reasons why.

I remember my first all encompassing teenage love, I was 15 and he was 17.

His parents allowed us to sleep in the same room (I stayed with him every weekend as he lived 1.5 hours away) we holed ourselves up there most days and his parents just left us to it.

My mom knew I was at his house but she never spoke to me about sex, contraception or anything like that - it was all very taboo.

Looking back things did move quite quickly in a sexual manor...foreplay etc. He was my first ever sexual partner and although I didn’t feel pressured into it, I don’t think it would have happened if there had been restrictions on where we could hang out....I.e if I was allowed in his room but only with the door open, or if we hadn’t been allowed to share a room etc etc. Looking back in quite shocked how blasé his parents were about the fact he was probably sexually active (in some form) with a 15 year old.

I was 3 months shy of being 16 when we first met and we didn’t have penetrative sex until I reached the age of consent However - I was pregnant 6 weeks later.

I really wish I had been restricted in some way in terms of us being alone together because then our physical relationship probably would have been slower to develop.

I also wish my mom had spoken to me about sex and contraception etc but it was never going to happen.

You’re in a very difficult position OP, but having an older boyfriend whose parents hadn’t really cared what we were up to led to me going through some awful they affected me for many, many years.

15 years old is still a child and he needs to be aware of that and he needs to be aware of the true complexities of forming a sexual relationship with her.

I would clarify with him whether her parents allow him into her bedroom and what, if any, boundaries they have. I’d also have a very stern talk with him about contraception.

He’s 17, he’s basically an adult.

But his girlfriend is not!

V tricky situation. Tell him to wait until she’s 16 and to always use a condom. There’s nothing else you can do.

I don't think the ages are a problem, especially with only a 13 month age gap. My boyfriend was 17 and I was 15, with a 20 month age gap, and we were very sensible and adult.
Open dialogue, keep talking, make sure he still has other interests. Treat him as (an emerging) adult whom you trust and expect to make sensible decisions.

Oddly, the situation I have is that I have stricter rules (eg bedroom door open, not alone in the house) than ds's girlfriend's mum.