Is it ever ok to catch up with old flames?

[Skintforamonth]

Having had fun in my twenties, I settled down with the love of my life and married and had children.
I often look back on my past and remember the good times, and many bad times ! 🙈

although very happy and content with how my life turned out...

I recently got a friend request from a guy I had an ....entanglement with ....years ago. I had deleted him (and anyone I’d slept with before my marriage) out of respect to my husband, who I know wanted me to.

I didn’t treat the guy who has messaged very well, and I still feel guilty about it now, although can see he seems happier now too and I’m glad.

AIBU to ignore his request, or is it ever ok to check in and wish old flames well?

Really up to you, depends what you feel comfortable with. I do think you should let your husband know if you want to send entanglement a wish you well message, otherwise he might get the wrong idea.

Yes I see what you mean.

I think I hold guilt over my actions from the past, I was in an abusivenon off relationship so could be quite prickly and naive and rude. I’m not like that really, I see now it was a symptom of feeling used and not good enough.

I have made amends with lots of people from that time, and it’s made me feel a lot better and heal well. I think that’s why I feel so compelled to explain myself, although I know deep down that it’s just one of those things.

A message is different to if I was to bump into someone for example.

Oh don't feel guilt, it's time and emotional space wasted. We can all get a bit prickly around boundaries.

But it's the past, you are happy now, if you do respond then don't make it too long or think you have to justify your younger self.

Well he obviously thinks you're a nice person otherwise he wouldn't have messaged.

Thanks @Frownette

He hasn’t messaged, just readded me as a friend. That’s why I’m wondering whether to leave it and ignore, or message and explain I don’t want to accept as I don’t think it’s appropriate but there’s no bad feelings and I wish him well.

I have had a few friend requests from old dates or acquaintances in the last few months and nearly all of them were getting in touch because they had lost their jobs and were trying to network, and one was trying to get me involved in an MLM. These are difficult times. I think you are overthinking the situation, and he just remembers you as someone he used to hook up with so no explanation or apology needed.

Also he could have accidentally added you while reminiscing and looking through your profile. Delete the request and if he tries to add you again you know it was intentional.

Good point 🤣 imagine me posting on mumsnet when it’s just a MLM business pitch

I catch up with old ones from time to time. It's nice to know we are all ok. I am friend with few exes from my teenage years and early 20s.

From friends experience,this type of thing doesn't end well.it's often best to leave the last alone op.

It's down to you. If you feel that the only way to 'respect your husband' is by avoiding people you once cared about then ok. But I don't see how it is disrespectful to have a past, to still respect people from your past and then to have built a marriage with someone.

But I think it's quite childish to pretend your past isn't somehow part of your present.

I think it’s fine, and I have done on a handful of occasions; mostly just to say that something had reminded me of them and I thought I’d get in touch. I’ve probably had about a 50/50 rate of response over the years - some I’ve stayed in casual touch with, two (and their now partners) have become good friends, some just didn’t respond.

I wouldn’t go straight in with a long apology for your behaviour and make it all maudlin to be honest. Just ask how he is, say you’re surprised he added you, how are things etc.

However, my DP would never have expected or asked me to delete contacts or lose touch with previous exes in the first place. That yours did, would suggest he might expect you to tell him that you want to get in touch with somebody. That one is your call, you know your marriage.