To send DS to nursery?

[ScarMatty]

More WWYD but hoping to get more traffic on here.

DS is 2. I've been a SAHM for 2 years.

Would you send your child to nursery for maybe 1-2 days a week if you didn't have to?

Do the social skills they might learn outweighs the comforts of mum being around and being at home?

I take him to classes most days, but I can tell he isn't really totally himself as he knows I'm there.

I don't know if nursery would help his independent/speech/social skills

I won't be going back to work if he does go so it is a choice

At two no, not unless he was the type of child who craves interaction with other kids. At three yes it's beneficial but before then there's really no need since you take him to classes etc.

I was in your shoes and worried DD1 who was a quiet/shy toddler would be too timid/antisocial being at home with me all the time. She's now four and is so condifident! I think feeling so secure in her early years really helped. She strides confidently into new situations and chats to everyone. I'm actually quite amazed at how she's grown. In comparison her sister was sent to a childminder part time from 14 months and despite being a much more outgoing baby/toddler is now nervous/clingy and not half as confident. I do think sending her to childcare was a mistake and I regret not giving her the stability her sister had. Anecdotal of course and many, many children thrive in nursery so I'm definitely not bashing it! Just saying that if he's happy at home with you and you're happy to have him with you then don't feel you "should" put him in nursery, he'll have plenty of time for that.

I take him to classes most days, but I can tell he isn't really totally himself as he knows I'm there.

This is not a thing. 2 year olds don't have that level of awareness.

My first went at 3 when she was pre school age, just to the one attached to the school. Second went to a private nursery from 2 and the third went from about 16 months. No difference in development that I could put down to nursery start times.

Being confined to nursery drop off/pick up before you need to be though isn't something I would be doing. I was at work hence the private nursery but if I was home I would choose the freedom of choice a million times over being there at 9am and 12pm. Every. Bloody. Day. Possibly sensitive due to been stuck to school runs for so many years

@Someone9

At two no, not unless he was the type of child who craves interaction with other kids. At three yes it's beneficial but before then there's really no need since you take him to classes etc.

I was in your shoes and worried DD1 who was a quiet/shy toddler would be too timid/antisocial being at home with me all the time. She's now four and is so condifident! I think feeling so secure in her early years really helped. She strides confidently into new situations and chats to everyone. I'm actually quite amazed at how she's grown. In comparison her sister was sent to a childminder part time from 14 months and despite being a much more outgoing baby/toddler is now nervous/clingy and not half as confident. I do think sending her to childcare was a mistake and I regret not giving her the stability her sister had. Anecdotal of course and many, many children thrive in nursery so I'm definitely not bashing it! Just saying that if he's happy at home with you and you're happy to have him with you then don't feel you "should" put him in nursery, he'll have plenty of time for that.

This is exactly what I think 50% of the time. He is ever so confident when I'm around, and is very good conversing with adults and I make an effort to ensure he engages with a wide variety of people (just little things like talking to the lady on the checkout etc)

It does also mean I can focus on the things I (selfishly) think are more important, such as learning manners and I can bring him up in the way I feel is the right way... but is that a good thing, I don't know.

Part of me thinks to just keep going for another year at home and really put an effort into having some sort of structure at home, and the other part of me thinks I'd really love to just send him off and give the bathroom a good clean

@ChickenwingChickenwing

I think I mean that for example we went to a soft play today and every 2-3 minutes he would run out of the soft play, come and touch my knee and say mummy, smile, and then run back in. So he is constantly looking for reassurance when he isn't 1-2-1 with me and that is what slightly concerns me, should I be encouraging slight independence more?

But yes, the idea of getting into school runs already does scare me because then I'll have it for at least another decade.

Apologies OP I posted before seeing your update. If you're feeling worn down you should absolutely give it a go. As you said if it doesn't suit him you have the ability to pull him out again but he might love it and you deserve a break too! That was the very reason I sent DD2 - I understand how mentally draining being a SAHM can be (I found it hellish a lot of the time) so you should definitely prioritize your wellbeing as that will be good for you and your DS

@Someone9

Apologies OP I posted before seeing your update. If you're feeling worn down you should absolutely give it a go. As you said if it doesn't suit him you have the ability to pull him out again but he might love it and you deserve a break too! That was the very reason I sent DD2 - I understand how mentally draining being a SAHM can be (I found it hellish a lot of the time) so you should definitely prioritize your wellbeing as that will be good for you and your DS

Don't apologise, your previous post was also really helpful.

I feel so guilty saying it's tough as times because I know so many parents would kill to have had the luxury of being a SAHM but I just want DS to have the absolute best, and I think that might be nursery for 2 mornings but a much happier mummy for the rest

I would - children learn and develop so much better with their peers. Plus, you can get a break.

'I think I mean that for example we went to a soft play today and every 2-3 minutes he would run out of the soft play, come and touch my knee and say mummy, smile, and then run back in. So he is constantly looking for reassurance when he isn't 1-2-1 with me and that is what slightly concerns me, should I be encouraging slight independence more?'

My DD2 was like that ans she was with grandparents/nursery from 9 months. I had to work because we needed the money but being a SAHM with a child part time in nursery sounds bloody amazing. I would be very envious.

My 20 month old goes once a week, he had 2 x 1 hour settling in sessions then a full day, 2 more settling in sessions and has since had 2 full days. He cries/whines as i drop him off but as soon as he's in, he loves it! He's never really been away from us so I'm extremely happy at how well and quickly he has settled in. I love having the time to myself as well

Have a look at pre schools? They usually do morning sessions and you can build up to lunch/all day as your little boy gets closer to school age. They are usually attached/affiliated to a local school and run in term time.

I just want DS to have the absolute best, and I think that might be nursery for 2 mornings but a much happier mummy for the rest

Sounds like a lovely balance. Best of luck!

Also as PP have said - my DS looks for validation when i am around. If I move away or am not there he is much more eager to explore

@HelplessProcrastinator

'I think I mean that for example we went to a soft play today and every 2-3 minutes he would run out of the soft play, come and touch my knee and say mummy, smile, and then run back in. So he is constantly looking for reassurance when he isn't 1-2-1 with me and that is what slightly concerns me, should I be encouraging slight independence more?'

My DD2 was like that ans she was with grandparents/nursery from 9 months. I had to work because we needed the money but being a SAHM with a child part time in nursery sounds bloody amazing. I would be very envious.

Thank you. It is reassuring to know that the behaviour he exhibits is common in children who have been to nursery so it isn't singular to children who haven't yet entered school environment.

Yes I think that's why I don't talk about it often because I very much appreciate I'm in a enviable position and wouldn't for a second want anyone to think I was moaning about something which is a luxury for a lot of people. But at the same time I have a choice and I want to know that because I have the luxury of choice, that I absolutely make the best one.

@Livpool

Also as PP have said - my DS looks for validation when i am around. If I move away or am not there he is much more eager to explore

I think this is my exact thinking. I encourage DS to push boundaries and 'be brave' but part of me feels he would learn some different things better if I wasn't there for automatic help (putting socks on, getting coat on, pouring a drink etc)

You can never know if you have made 'the best' choice. Just do what feels right at the time. Unlike a previous poster I can't tell the difference between children at home full time with a parent, in nursery 5 days a week, or anything in between. If they are loved and you are there when they need you most they will be fine whatever you decide to do.

I'm in the same position and I'm not going to. I feel very fortunate to be able to arrange play dates etc so i can be there and help ds to socialise rather than his doing this solo at nursery. There will be plenty of time for him to do this at school and beyond!

I think I mean that for example we went to a soft play today and every 2-3 minutes he would run out of the soft play, come and touch my knee and say mummy, smile, and then run back in. So he is constantly looking for reassurance when he isn't 1-2-1 with me and that is what slightly concerns me, should I be encouraging slight independence more?

This is totally normal in terms of his development. Nothing breeds independence more than security.

I do think that your expectations are too high for a just turned 2 year old. Many/most of the issues you mention are perfectly normal for a child of that age. They are supposed to be clingy. Other things you mention most children won't really learn until they're a bit older like putting socks on.

OP: I, too, posted before you updated.

I think you need to try to separate out the (all valid) issues.

If you want some time and space, that is perfectly understandable. I had lots of friends when my DC were small who did want this, and others who didn't. Both responses were completely fine and normal.

I agree with all PP who say that 2 yr olds are generally clingy. That's just the way they are. As for putting their socks on (etc): PFBs are generally slower to do this than their younger siblings. Younger siblings are generally more self-sufficient. I clearly remember seeing one of mine swinging herself in the park when she was very small, and wondering how on Earth she was doing that. The answer, obviously, was that she worked out that if she wanted to go on the swing, she also needed to work out how to make the swing work. I was probably still faffing around worrying about PFB at the time.

IME, younger siblings are also very good at working out how to pour drinks, drink through straws, put their shoes on, etc.

I do think that, if you have the choice, a 2 yr old can only ever benefit from being at home - unless this situation is causing distress/MH issues for the mother. A secure attachment is a good basis for everything else in the years to come.

Absolutely. The best thing I did was put my son in nursery for three days a week. My only regret is not doing it sooner as he loves it & his development has come on so well. We had to wait until he was 3 as we simply couldn't financially afford it otherwise.

There are some lovely pre schools around if you don’t need full on day care. In my personal experience, I’d say my eldest benefited from 18m but started at 12m.She was unusually social (still is probably an extreme extrovert) and made friends far earlier than she was supposed to developmentally. I’d say classes were equally beneficial but in different ways. I think she learnt how to concentrate, listen to teachers etc more from classes but got the social side, amazing activities etc from nursery. She lit a fire (obviously under supervision) at 3. I’d have never done that with her.

My youngest will start at 18m and I’m glad she wasn’t in nursery for the last 6m to be honest. While I disagree with the premise of no benefit until 3, I don’t believe there is much benefit to a baby being in nursery. For me, it was purely about work. I think by 2 that does change though.

If I didn’t have to work I’d send a 2yo 2-3 mornings until 21/2 and then do longer days for pre-school.

Its such a personal decision. So, personally I think it's good for them to gain some independence. Have a read of Achtung Baby, it's about German child raising - I found it really interesting.

It's up to you obviously. But I wouldn't feel guilty either way, your child will be happy regardless. My 19 month old goes (back) to nursery in a few weeks, after time our due to covid - I'm nervous but I'm happy for her to have that experience.

I had the same dilemma a few months back - SAHM, just turned 2 yr old, wanted me time, super fussy ex-teacher!
Searched for ages to find a nursery I was happy with and started taking LO for an hour a week to help with settling with a view to doing 1-2 days. Then covid came along and nursery shut. However, I was starting to realise he wasn't ready for it anyway (he's adopted and I'm very conscious of not adding to his separation anxiety) also, that I much preferred our time together than a few hours to myself. Nursery is now reopening but I'm not sending him back. Instead I've signed him up to some activities and classes I can accompany him to that will eventually lead to things he can take part in independently. I've also found he's changed developmentally over the past few months e.g. will play independently for longer periods meaning it's easier to get some housework done. His play and speech development has also become more engaging so it reduces those moments of mummy boredom! You will probably find your LO changes a lot in these next few months too.
I make sure he doesn't miss out socially by arranging play dates and (before covid) we went to lots of play groups. If you do try nursery, find one that lets you take settling at your LO's pace and doesn't push you to leave before you are both comfortable. Do what feels right for you both.

Oh my gosh YES! Send him! Nursery is AMAZING for their social skills, for everything. You'll still do all those 'mum comforts' but do it as soon as you can as it will be a lot easier on the both of you when he goes to school.

Our little girl came on amazingly when she went at 13 months (she's now 3), not having nursery during lockdown really affected her, she just lit up when she went back and she only goes for one day (soon to be two). I'm actually about to be made redundant and while I'll get a good pay out to last me a while I'll still send her in (helpful for job hunting too!).

Mixing with other children is so so so important.

I just wanted to say thank you so much to everyone for all your responses.

After lots of looking around, DS is booked to start settling in sessions at a nursery at the end of the month!

Eeeekkkkk