Lonely life after moving

[WilsonMilson]

This time last year we moved to another part of the UK where I knew no one at all.

I had a job and a life where I was, family and friends around and was pretty happy. We moved because of DH’s work.
I was ok when I moved at first, lots to do in the house, and settling in. DC loved it from the start, but is a sociable and outgoing sort.
I was managing ok with a few wobbles, when Covid hit and we were all at home (DH and teenage DC).
Lockdown prevented any social life, not that I’d had any to speak of anyway, but everyone was in the same boat and at least we were all together at home so it was ok.

Fast forward to now, DH back at office, DC is back to school. I’m suddenly on my own all day. I still know absolutely no one, neighbours say hello but we are detached so I don’t see them much, of course Covid has really not helped.

I just feel very lonely and alone. I have no friends at all, my old ones have gotten on with their own lives back at home and I don’t get included in anything as I’m not there. As an only child I don’t even have siblings to phone. My work is remote and so I don’t meet anyone that way. All I seem to do apart from that is clean the house, cook the meals and listen to podcasts and audiobooks. Apart from phoning my mum, I go weeks and probably months without speaking to anyone apart from DH and DC. I feel sad that my life has become so small, an with the current situation I can’t really see a way that it’s going to improve in the near future.

AIBU to feel so lonely and that my life has become very isolated? Any advice welcome.

That sounds really tough, OP. I know it’s more difficult with Covid, but how about starting up a hobby where lots of other people will be there too? Anything in particular you like? Swimming? Art? Pottery?

I meet a lot of people through my hobby. It gives me a lot of joy and friendship.

Have you thought about Meet Up. I used that when I moved to a new area and went to a few events local to me and made some friends that way. Its good because the main reason people are there is to meet new people so everyone is in the same boat. They might not be doing lots of events in your area given current restrictions but certainly one to look into.

Ahh that sounds tough OP.

It’s difficult with Covid atm as some groups aren’t running but definitely have a look around and see if there is anything of interest to you.

How old is your DC? Is there any potential to make friends with other mums at the school? Could you volunteer yourself for the PTA at their school or similar?

How far away have you moved? I have friends that have moved away yet I still see and speak to them regularly. They come back for visits and stay with me and I’ve visited them in their new house, text every couple of weeks etc.

It’s really difficult when you get older to make friends I think, but certainly possible. If you don’t have work to make friends through though then you need to get imaginative.

Do you live in a town/ village? Look for events on there that you could attend, i know this may seem a bit cringe but I’ve seen a few posts on local community pages on FB from women saying things like ‘I’ve just moved to the area and don’t know anyone, I have 2 DC around X age blah blah. If anyone would like to meet for a coffee or drink I’d be happy to.’ These posts have ALWAYS gotten lots of positive responses and lots of people offering to meet up. So you could try something like that?

Alternatively, there is meetup or Bumble BFF.

Hobbies, volunteering, community groups, getting an extra part time job like doing the minutes for your local parish council or something that involves you going to local events and selling e.g. craft work as a side hustle. Get a dog. Get involved with local schools e.g. doing reading with kids or be a school governor.

Do you have any challenges you want to take on, that would also involve you mixing with people or lift sharing.

Oh yes second the get a dog! My dad knows so many people locally because of his dog. People walking dogs chat a lot!

Thanks for your replies.
I guess I’ve lost quite a bit of confidence as even joining something seems to fill me with an almost dread.

Dc is a teen, so I just drop off at school in the car and never see another parent - I did meet 2 other mums though before lockdown when picking up dc from their respective houses, so that’s something to work on. I do find that people in their forties (as I and most of the other mums are) already seem set in their friendship groups and not really open to adding to them, and I’m quite introverted and not pushy, so it’s hard to initiate much.

I’ve been quite sad and disappointed my friends from home haven’t kept up as much as I had hoped, but it’s understandable as I’m not there now.
They do text here and there.

I’m going to look into some potential hobbies and also Meet-up. I feel like a bit of a sad sack having to do that and a bit wary about potential oddballs, but needs must at this point.

We have been considering getting a dog, so that could be an easier way of meeting people!

Don’t feel like a sad sack. I didn’t actually start doing my hobby to meet people (although others did) and have been in the same area for a long time. But found that I made wonderful new friendships (am just about in my 40s) of all ages - some young, some older, some my age.

Dog is a great idea, you meet so many people and around here there are local group dog walks arranged. Don't feel weird about starting a hobby, it's a great way to become familiar with people in your community and who knows, maybe you'll meet your new best friend! And yes, make sure you're on the local FB or WhatsApp groups to see what's going on.

@WilsonMilson, definitely download the BumbleBFF app. It’s designed specifically for women that want to make friends in their area, I guess it’s a bit like ‘dating’ in that you message and if you get along you meet up. I did it when I moved for work for a year a few years ago, I made some lovely friends. I knew I was only going to be in the area for a year though so wasn’t desperate, desperate but I did find it really good and less daunting than say meet-up as you’re only meeting one person at a time rather than turning up on your own to a group thing

BumbleBFF? I didn’t even know such a thing existed, what a brilliant idea! Hope my DH doesn’t think I’m on a dating app if he uses my phone, lol that would be hilarious, well hilarious once I’d explained!
I will check that out right now.
Need to also cultivate a new hobby - I play the piano, but that’s no use for meeting people, going to look for some fitness classes, the gym was closed due to covid but they’ve opened up again. I just need to give myself a big push I think. Thanks for all the suggestions!

There's no easy answer. The only way to address this is to put yourself out there OP. When we moved here nearly 3 years ago I didn't know anyone, so I started volunteering at a local heritage site and I also set up my own Meetup group for women 45+ (I joined a couple of local established ones but they weren't doing stuff I wanted to do, and a few of the men were creepy). My first event was rubbish and knocked my confidence, but I persevered and now have a lovely social group, in fact 11 of us were out for a walk and lunch today.

If I can do it (and believe me I'm not very confident) then you can do it too! If you are Worcestershire based PM me.

Could you bear to take up running? Most local running clubs are really friendly and encouraging, will run beginners groups, and often meet up for a pub lunch or a pint afterwards. It's a good way to get to know the area too.

Do you like gardening? Near me, there are calls for volunteers for a community garden. That could be a good way? And it’s so nice to be outside and probably all still going with Covid etc.

My local running group - though I’m not part of it - has announced its back up and (ahem) running now, too!