Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

AIBU With in-laws?

27 replies

CursesAndMagic · 02/09/2020 07:50

My daughter is now 14 months old and has been to my partners parents a few time’s since she was born but not at all in the past good few months. My partner has a child who spends a lot of time with them - she will stay over some weekends etc. With my daughter she doesn’t really spend time with them unless they visit our house. We live about 25 mins away from each other.

Firstly I didn’t want my daughter visiting there but allowed it in small amounts of time - she smokes upstairs in the house in the bathroom and I don’t have the same say on his child that I do my own.

It’s not like we spend loads of time at my parents either. A visit there is when I need to go anyway and will be for around 10-20 mins. His parents want us to stay hours and with naps and everything it won’t work out.

His mother isn’t very nice to me comments on my appearance a lot and is just nasty to me. She is welcome to our house at anytime but always ends up being assy with me and doesn’t listen to anything I say - she thinks she can tell me what to do and take over everything like she always tries to. For example she’s not happy that at 8 months pregnant and anemic I haven’t been on extravagant days out with the kids for the last week of summer 🤔

I have no problem them coming here but she’s started being funny about it and saying her house is cleaner than ours and why shouldn’t the baby go there. My partner thinks I’m
Being unreasonable but will support me either way. I want the baby to have a relationship with them but I don’t want to be forced to stay that long in someone’s house who is horrid to me. My partner will go sometimes with his daughter straight after work etc and it’s usually the babies dinner time so she doesn’t go anyway. I’m not meaning to be mean and I haven’t stopped her seeing the baby she just won’t come here and is upset the baby won’t have any memory of her house? AIBU to not want baby to go there? I asked everyone to come here at Christmas as baby was a lot younger and I had more of a routine that needed to be stuck to for the baby to be napping and eating etc as she was a lot younger. She was also my first baby so I may have been a little bit strict with everyone following the routine I’m not like that now haha.

His mother won’t talk to me - she will ignore me and will moan at my partner about things. Apparently she has been asking for baby to visit there for ages and I first heard about it last night. I don’t understand how this is all being put on me. I never visited there before I had the baby as she isn’t the type of person I’d want to spend my time with. My partner tolerates her but they don’t have anything of a close relationship. The baby hasn’t really met any of that side of the family and obviously that’s my fault for not taking her there but they all drive and could come and visit too?

My daughter was christened at a church opposite my mums house as that’s near where we live so my mum offered to have the after party at her house as it was over the road and also she had a huge garden for everyone where as we didn’t. His parents didn’t turn up. For her first birthday I invited everyone here including his mother who said she would come and then didn’t turn up. Any thoughts? Or advice I’m sick of being made out to be selfish and mean when I don’t think the blame can be wholly put on me.

OP posts:

LonginesPrime · 02/09/2020 08:08

With the christening and the birthday and the refusal to visit you, it sounds like they only want a relationship with DD on their terms, OP.

Which means you can take it or leave it - it doesn't sound like there's much room for compromise in terms of how she spends time with them, and they don't sound like people that are worth spending time with anyway.

The only question that remains is whether your partner takes DD round there, which is something for you and your partner to decide on. The situation might change as DD gets older and forms her own opinions, though, especially if your partner is still visiting them then.

Don't be swayed by their criticism and nasty comments, and don't feel that the only reasonable course of action is what partner feels is ok for his other DD - what he does with his other DD has no bearing on what you're happy with for your DD so don't be guilt-tripped into anything.

One thing that's odd though - why is your partner reporting back all the nasty things your MIL says about you to you? What purpose does he think that's serving, except for making you feel shit? Is he trying to manipulate you or just make you feel worthless? Because if someone were saying nasty things about my partner, I'd be pulling them up on it, not repeating them verbatim to my partner!

RandomTree · 02/09/2020 08:12

It's natural for your MIL to want to see her grandchild. If you and her don't get on, maybe your partner could take her to visit them?

Original poster

CursesAndMagic · 02/09/2020 08:16

@LonginesPrime oh no the nasty things she actually says to me - my partner says we’re both as bad as each other and said I’m withholding the baby from her when I don’t think I am. I think because we’ve never really got on and he knows what she’s like he’d rather not be involved with mine and her issues. I have called her out w few times for example she said when the baby starts walking im taking her out and I said you aren’t and you don’t get to tell me what to do with my daughter - this was about 7 months ago and I haven’t heard about it since.

OP posts:

kidsdrivingmemad · 02/09/2020 08:19

You need to stop being so rigid with your routine. The odd time your child misses a nap or sleeps in a buggy isn't the end of the world. Effort needs to be made or both sides. Why not let your partner take your little one to his parents and you stay home?

Original poster

CursesAndMagic · 02/09/2020 08:26

That’s fine but when she misses a nap and is Overtired it takes me hours and hours to settle her at night so it’s not the end of the world no but neither is his mum coming here

OP posts:

Original poster

CursesAndMagic · 02/09/2020 08:32

@kidsdrivingmemad also, my child will not sleep in a buggy. As much as I wish she would she won’t sleep anywhere but her own crib.

OP posts:

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 02/09/2020 08:33

No you aren't being unreasonable.
When shes nasty to you do you call her up on it. And when your partner says you are withholding the baby from her do you call him up on that?
Your partner is part of the issue he should be standing up for you when she makes negative comments ad should be supporting your choices which seem to be quite reasonable.

How often you visit your own parents has no bearing on this situation though as you haven't mentioned your mother making abusive comments to your partner. The 2 situations aren't the same.

I have a complicated relationship with my MIL but she always asks where my DC are concerned never demands.

kidsdrivingmemad · 02/09/2020 08:36

Let your partner take your DD to visit them and let him deal with her if she is hard to put to sleep later on. Take yourself out to the situation. You want your DD to have a relationship with her grandparents so maybe that is the best way.

Original poster

CursesAndMagic · 02/09/2020 08:36

@MusicWithRocksIn1t to be honest I do call her up on it but I already don’t have the best self esteem and it does really affect me when she makes comments like that. I don’t think there’s any need for it but I do think she’s lashing out because the baby doesn’t go there. No my mum would never say anything of the sort to him. He’s in work and I’ve just messaged him to tell him it’s on him to support me and tell her. She’s his mum.

OP posts:

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 02/09/2020 08:37

I wouldn’t make the effort to visit someone who was persistently rude to and critical of me. Or someone who shunned important events. If your partner wants there to be a relationship, he can put the legwork in.

LuaDipa · 02/09/2020 08:43

She doesn’t want to see the baby, she wants everything to be on her terms. If she cared about the baby she wouldn’t have missed key events in her little life. I don’t think yabu and your dh should absolutely support you.

Original poster

CursesAndMagic · 02/09/2020 08:48

He supports me. He tells her his door is always open and she can come here whenever she wants but because it’s not at her house she will stay outside in car and beep to collect his child when she is going there so

OP posts:

DoubleDolphin · 02/09/2020 08:49

If she wants a relationship with your daughter she needs to come to you, on your terms. You have given her control. Take it back. It's your daughter, not hers.

Original poster

CursesAndMagic · 02/09/2020 08:52

@DoubleDolphin I haven’t given her control that’s why she’s lashing out because I will not give in.

OP posts:

HyacynthBucket · 02/09/2020 08:56

Lua Dipa is right. If MIL had any interest in or care for the child, she would have come to her christening and first birthday events. Why on earth would she not? This is all about some other issue, probably to do with power and control over you OP. It would be interesting to compare notes with the mother of DP's other daughter. In the meantime, you do not need to visit someone who makes herself so horrible to you.

Original poster

CursesAndMagic · 02/09/2020 08:58

@HyacynthBucket the mother of his child is not really comparable in the situation as she isn’t a great role model either. My DP has custody.

OP posts:

makingmammaries · 02/09/2020 09:00

The indoor smoking would be a dealbreaker for me.

DoubleDolphin · 02/09/2020 09:02

Visit her every so often but only stay a short while, if you need to get off for whatever reason, just do it. And say to her "perhaps you can visit us next time"? Make it a two way thing, so as it's not always you being the bad guy. Dont let her have your daughter on her own, or without you, as that's where she will start saying stuff to your partner and demanding more time with her behind your back. Go to hers together.

Trisolaris · 02/09/2020 09:40

Her house is smoky. Reason enough not to take a baby there

Ilovechinese · 02/09/2020 09:54

Yoir child your rules and sounds like she doesn't deserve to see her whilst she keeps making nasty comments to you so she should be grateful you are offering any contact at all!

Backtoschoolnotsoonenough · 02/09/2020 10:01

She sounds like she has assumed her role with dps dc and assumes she can take over with your baby...

Original poster

CursesAndMagic · 02/09/2020 11:43

My dp is the type that just wants an easy life and doesn’t want to be involved in conflict. I’ve told him he needs to sort something because she’s so passive aggressive all the time and thinks I care when she is like that - which I don’t. I left school ages ago and am not going to be involving myself in teenage like behaviour with a Middle Aged woman. I’d be happy to take baby there to visit for a short while if she wasn’t the way she is. I don’t drive so he would have to drive but my baby wouldn’t be going there without me so she can take it or leave it. She doesn’t get w say in anything and I think she knows that and that’s why she’s acting like a child.

OP posts:

Backtoschoolnotsoonenough · 02/09/2020 12:32

Explain to him it will be a quiet life when you take your dc and go of he won't have your back...

ColleagueFromMars · 02/09/2020 12:39

If she can't even be neutral let alone pleasant to the mother of her grand daughter, she doesn't get access to the kid.

Quacks2020 · 02/09/2020 12:40

@CursesAndMagic similar situation.

I've posted before about problems with my MIL, one being her house is filled with about 20 cats, my daughter has really sensitive skin and eczema and rashes up.
So I've stopped my Dd going in the house. But still every weekend she tries to make us go there and inside. We go outside in the garden occasionally.

We live 5 minutes walk away and she is being stand off about coming to ours. As I keep on saying to my partner it's the obvious choice for her to come here. My FIL visits every day for 20 minutes or so.

She is also extremely rude. And lashes out at me.

So no advise but I feel your pain.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread