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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have a real life friend cull

21 replies

Midlifelights · 01/09/2020 18:41

Lockdown really made me reflect on lots of things & one of those things was friendships. I have a few people in my life where it’s one sided and it feels a lot like if I stopped making the effort, it’s likely that would be it and I wouldn’t see them again. There are a couple I am not even sure I like!! I also like the idea of making space and energy to invite new people in too that I have more in common with.

Aibu?

It sounds really harsh and I am not normally that person but I really want to spend time with the people who equally want to spend time with me. I have a good friend who did this and made an actual list & added next to each person what they added to her life & stepped back from the rest. I kind of admire her ruthlessness & I am definitely not like that normally!

OP posts:

SchrodingersImmigrant · 01/09/2020 18:44

As long as you don't actually physically cull them, you are alright😂

Why would you want to spend time with people you don't like or they don't like you that much. I wouldn't completely disappear, but keep them as
acquaintances.

Original poster

Midlifelights · 01/09/2020 18:45

@SchrodingersImmigrant yes, will avoid a real life cull 😂

OP posts:

AIMD · 01/09/2020 18:50

Sounds reasonable to me. I mean I don’t think you need an actual pro/cons list but I think it’s fine to focus on the relationships that are more reciprocal and valuable.

Just don’t be upset when people who you distance from seem happy about it, never make effort to contact you. I’ve had this....it felt bad even though I had decided to let the relationship go too.

Dontknownow86 · 01/09/2020 18:54

I've got a very old close friend I hardly see because she's got herself into this situation. She picks up new friends at every new job etc then feels like she can't phase them out as they have 'regular' evenings. She complains to me about it but won't drop any and we've got far less close as a result. You are doing yourself out of decent relationships.

JustSaying101 · 01/09/2020 18:56

YANBU. Friendships change over time and sometimes a friendship simply runs its course. If you feel you are not getting anything from the friendship, as painful as it can be (particularly those friendships that have been for a long time), it may be time to slowly retreat. Agree with @SchrodingersImmigrant here though, you may wish to keep these friends as acquaintances and not cut them out completely.
Wishing you all the best :)

Minimumstandard · 01/09/2020 19:21

Friendships are a two-way street. If you're always the one to make the effort, they'd probably be happy to know they were being culled if aware of it . Much harder to deal with are the friends who do make the effort but it's all a bit painful and they clearly value the relationship more than you...

nosswith · 01/09/2020 19:49

You can reduce contact and see what happens. Some friendships are for life, others not, and that is the way it is.

MrsMaglev · 01/09/2020 19:49

Definitely YANBU! When I turned 30 I realised I was making time in between working a stressful job and trying to start a family to see friends who didn't add much to my life and gave me less time to see the people whose company I do enjoy: I stopped returning calls and texts promptly and started to ignore the nagging voice telling me I should be in touch with them. Honestly life became much more pleasant, I focussed on hanging out with people I like and doing stuff I wanted to do. Highly highly recommend, life is too short!!

MrsMaglev · 01/09/2020 19:50

To add - agree that those who are worth it you'll figure that out. My oldest friend I've known 25 years and we still infrequently see each other!

wigglerose · 01/09/2020 20:51

I stepped back from a friend when I thought things were too one-sided for my liking. I think I last saw her in 2016? Lol.
I'm going to step back from an acquaintance I've known for 2007. We're part of a big group of friends from uni. We've loads in common but she's always been cool/dismissive to me and occasionally rude or hostile. She occasionally asks me if I want to do something with her, and I usually say yes (and regret it when she just gives of a weird vibe the whole time) but I'm going to decline the next time. I want to spent more time with people whose company I enjoy and who act like they enjoy my company too!

MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig · 01/09/2020 20:56

I know what you mean. I tried to keep a chat group going during lockdown but hardly got anything back. I’m not going to chase them and won’t feel too heartbroken if they don’t get back in touch. I’ve got plenty of other friends that I speak to all the time.

Mary46 · 01/09/2020 21:02

Know what u mean. I cut back with one always one sided. Havent heard from her since June unless I make contact or do the driving. U be tired of it.

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 01/09/2020 21:09

The beauty of this is that you don't have to do anything. Just stop contacting and, if they're missing you, they'll make contact and you can reevaluate then. Some you will never hear from again and that tells you all you need to know about the relationship between you.

gower4 · 01/09/2020 21:51

You might actually find it harder than you think to shake people off. Some people really cannot take a hint!

Kazziepooes · 01/09/2020 22:26

To be honest, it’s a great idea. Being in lockdown has been a good chance to find out who you actually want to stay friends with; and at the end of the day, very few friendships have a life long shelf life.... Don’t ignore people though,gentle-ish hints work better.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 01/09/2020 22:30

Its not harsh. Its having healthy boundaries.

ConkerGame · 01/09/2020 22:32

Yes, it doesn’t have to be dramatic - just don’t contact them and eventually they’ll drift away, leaving space for actual good friends!

LatteLover12 · 01/09/2020 22:43

I've done this over lockdown... realised that our contact was always instigated by me so have made the decision to stop chasing.

It's sad in a way because we used to see each other quite a lot but our lives have gone off in different directions and she makes zero effort to keep in touch.

Happynow001 · 02/09/2020 10:19

Yes I've also done this as I was always the one making the effort. It's such a shame as we were once so close and were the person we each trusted so much with things we couldn't discuss with others. I hope she's well but I'm glad not to the person initiating contact every time any more. 🌹

Mary46 · 02/09/2020 10:20

Latte lover same tired chasing people. She not only one juggling kids. There was a good reply on here maybe I was more invested in friendship. You get tired doing all the driving too out their direction.

LonelyFromCorona · 02/09/2020 10:29

Go for it.

Dredge the swamp!

I've done similar in recent months with a few people where I realised I was the only one reaching out to ask how they were getting on with lockdown, work etc. Stopped doing it, haven't heard from them since except for one who replied to an instagram story suggesting catching up, said I was free that coming weekend and never heard further...

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