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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Jokes with colleagues/friends

14 replies

AIMD · 01/09/2020 17:50

So where is the line when joking about with friends and colleagues. I accept there will often be some banter between males but when does that cross the line in your opinion.

I saw husband’s texts (on an iPad that is linked to his phone that we both use). Text from him to a mate joking about “Just drunk and looking at my name’s friends arse”.It was a night my friend was over my house visiting so out kids could play together. I saw the notification of a text reply and looked at the conversation because it was obviously them talking about a woman so ....like I could stop myself (I’m not normally a snooper).

Aibu to be annoyed about that text? Or is that part of ‘banter’ between males.

To add context I don’t think for a second anything has or would happen between them, I’m more annoyed about the joke. I personally would feel it was crossing a line if I made that joke to a friend, so to find out he thinks it’s acceptable is annoying. Also part of me lost a bit of respect...I mean he’s not an 18 year old, he’s in his mid thirties.

On top of this because I saw the text on the iPad I feel like I can’t mention it because it’s like I looked though his text even though I came up in his Ipad. So not sure how to raise it. Normally I’d just say “hey you said x and it was out of order” but don’t feel like I can do that!

OP posts:
ILoveFood87 · 01/09/2020 17:59

Totally crossed the line. Utter dick. I'd tell my friend what a sleaze he is might make him stop gawping at her. So rude.

FizzyPink · 01/09/2020 18:06

I do think that’s unacceptable and inappropriate as it was your friend who was right there.

However, my DP has a boss who is incredibly childish and inappropriate and some of the texts I’ve seen in their work group chat are truly shocking. DP is the most respectful non sex-orientated guy ever but for some reason in this particular group chat feels the need to comment on lots of celebrities/people they’ve seen on Instagram. However, it is all led by his boss and I know he feels the need to keep up appearances with him and play along at being best buddies so I don’t take much notice of it

AIMD · 01/09/2020 18:09

@ILoveFood87

Totally crossed the line. Utter dick. I'd tell my friend what a sleaze he is might make him stop gawping at her. So rude.
So just fess up that I read his text, because that’s out of order too. Not something I’d normally do or would want him to do. If it wasn’t for that’d I’d bring it up as an issue.

Thing is I think he’d be pretty embarrassed anyway if he knew I saw it and said what I though. Don’t think he’d justify it. I often feel that when ‘manly men’ are about he tries to act up like one of the boys when usually he is fairly feminine type personality (that’s a really bad description but you get what I’m saying).

Just really disappointed that I’m with someone texting things like that....urgh

OP posts:
AIMD · 01/09/2020 18:13

@Turnedouttoes

I do think that’s unacceptable and inappropriate as it was your friend who was right there.

However, my DP has a boss who is incredibly childish and inappropriate and some of the texts I’ve seen in their work group chat are truly shocking. DP is the most respectful non sex-orientated guy ever but for some reason in this particular group chat feels the need to comment on lots of celebrities/people they’ve seen on Instagram. However, it is all led by his boss and I know he feels the need to keep up appearances with him and play along at being best buddies so I don’t take much notice of it

I think it might be a similar thing here, it was a work colleague that is quite jokey/man jokey.

Still.....just makes me feel like he’s pathetic for bending into a person like that to fit in. Or maybe he is just like that and pretends not to be to me.

OP posts:
Crimblecrumble1990 · 01/09/2020 18:25

I don't think I'd be bothered about who he was saying it too. Colleague etc. What he said would bother me an awful lot. I would never be checking out my partners friends arses while they were in my home and then messaging someone about it??

AIMD · 01/09/2020 18:57

@Crimblecrumble1990

I don't think I'd be bothered about who he was saying it too. Colleague etc. What he said would bother me an awful lot. I would never be checking out my partners friends arses while they were in my home and then messaging someone about it??
Neither would I. It bothers me so much. Just wanted to check I wasn’t being OTT.

I guess the reason I mentioned who it was too, was because he is not like that in other relationships or face to face, so it’s odd behaviour.

OP posts:
nosswith · 01/09/2020 19:14

'Banter' is an excuse about as stupid as 'testing my eyesight', or even worse.

AIMD · 01/09/2020 20:18

@nosswith

'Banter' is an excuse about as stupid as 'testing my eyesight', or even worse.
I am fuming to be honest. Struggling with how to bring it up in a way that’s not going to lead to massive row and end with me calling him a CUNt
OP posts:
Brefugee · 01/09/2020 20:24

It's objectifying your friend. And it is way way over the line. Bants are about football and eating all the pies.

randomchap · 01/09/2020 20:48

Bants are about football and eating all the pies.

This, bants is ripping the piss out of your mates and yourself. That's crossed the line into lechery.

AIMD · 01/09/2020 21:15

Ok great now how do I bring it up. Just deal with the argument about looking at texts. I did that and accept it?

OP posts:
AIMD · 01/09/2020 23:04

Ok bought it up and exactly what I thought would happen happened. It was just a joke and he stormed off because I looked at his text.

Annoyingly I literally only looked at a few. Although years ago (talking 6-7+ years ago) I used to I haven’t done that in ages. I did it because his phone has been going constantly and I got paranoid after I saw a notification. Now it’s going to turn into a it’s all about me reading his text.

Feels like such a twat

OP posts:
Slimeisevil · 02/09/2020 20:20

Don’t feel like a twat @AIMD he is deflecting. How would he feel if the roles were reversed?

My DH man chats are about cars etc.

I’m not naive to think he will look or notice another woman but he wouldn’t start a conversation about it (at least not my friend)

He is in the wrong.

Happygogoat · 02/09/2020 20:26

Definitely don't feel like a twat; he's stormed off because he's been caught looking like a creepy bastard!

Yes looking at a text isn't ideal but two wrongs don't make a right but the fact is that shouldn't have been in his texts at all - the fact you saw it is secondary, the overriding issue is that a) he looked at you friend and text someone about it or b) didn't look but made out he did and text someone about it. Either one undermines you and is sad!! Xx

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