To consider calling social services on yourself.

[starlet14]

I need help. I have two children with additional needs. My partner is a fab dad but works long hours. We are exhausted. We don't get a break from it ever. This has been going on long before covid.

My eldest does has autism not do a thing he's told ever. Constantly screaming at us and his younger siblings. Swearing, screaming, just being awful. His behaviour is appalling. He is very self centred.

Today I lost it. I've had enough. I've had a terrible year. We all have with covid but a few other things going on in my life. I screamed at him, dragged him into his room and shut him in there so we could could cool down. He swore at me over something I didn't do right for him and I lost it.

Now I'm the bad guy.

Aibu to consider calling social services on mhself? We need some help and support. I don't know how to get it. There is literally nothing out there for us. We are very alone.

Aibu?

Posting here for traffic.

Of course you can. They are there to help struggling families too. I phoned SS once to take my ADHD son into care, and they sent a nice social worker to talk to us, help with diet and triggers for the ADHD, and supported of short term. Son didn't need to go into care of course but I too, was at the end of my tether

YANBU. My son is autistic and has severe learning disabilities and his school referred us to SS (with my consent) as I've been really struggling. We now have a disability social worker who has been involved. One of the things she has referred us for is direct payments so I can get a PA for my son a few hours a week so I can have respite.
The disability social worker is a different ball of wax to regular SS.

Yes as a PP said , tell them as if it's your worst day.

If you are in England then get in touch with the school. They will have family support (Particularly if special or deprived) or access to it if an affluent area,

Call your local safeguarding hub & ask for an 'Early Help Assessment'. I hope you get some respite.

You are not the bad guy. You sound exhausted and worn down, and it's no wonder. If you were the bad guy, you wouldn't be. posting here for help.
Social services could be able to offer support and resources, up to and including respite care.
Good luck x

Go to the GP or call SS. They’re there to help.

Social care do so much more than child protection, that's often just one team/department. Having worked in this area I agree with PP describe your life at its worst, funding has been cut to the bone, don't sugar coat anything and be brutally honest about your struggles. You absolutely deserve support and there is provision available

Well I have to say.. I don't blame you for doing that! Autism or not he has to go out into the world with a basic standard of behaviour. He has to learn and sometimes that lesson might not be nice. Funny how he's good at school isn't if? Guess he has self control when he wants..,

You don't sound like a bad mum at all. Anyone could do what you did in the same situation. I hope you get help from SS and things improve when the dc go back to school

Yes you can get yourself a social worker and they organise respite etc.
My friend has a child with additional needs and she has done same thing. They can put you in touch with Foster carers who offer respite regular or care type homes.
You may be offered over night support or day help.
Direct payments can be organised so you can pay someone yourself.

Funny how he's good at school isn't if? Guess he has self control when he wants..,

Sorry?? Do you know anything about ASD? That is the worst sentence I’ve ever read on here and that is saying something!

Starlet please, please don’t listen to Vodka at 10 there will be so much more going on. Your son probably likes the structure and routine of the school day not forgetting he feels at his safest when in his home environment.

You need to re focus his attention to deflect the unwanted behaviour whilst giving him a safe space to settle.

Please talk to SS. I called the police during one very nasty out burst around the same age. They put me in touch with SS who contacted family solutions and the help rolled in from there.

My DD is now over 16, gained 10 GCSE’s and bagged herself an apprenticeship with a large local company and they love her!

Age 10? I had no hopes for her or our family at all it was AWFUL. Please get some family support before he starts secondary school, things became so much worse for us once she started senior school, lack of structure and routine with lots of moving around the school and remembering everything.

@GazingAndGrazing Sorry?? Do you know anything about ASD? That is the worst sentence I’ve ever read on here and that is saying something! hmm

Actuslly I do. I also know a great deal about adhd. Sorry to burst your sanctimonious bubble but it's not a comment I made off the cuff,

In our area you can self refer to the Early Help Hub.

[quote Vodkacranberryplease]**@GazingAndGrazing* Sorry?? Do you know anything about ASD? That is the worst sentence I’ve ever read on here and that is saying something! hmm*

Actuslly I do. I also know a great deal about adhd. Sorry to burst your sanctimonious bubble but it's not a comment I made off the cuff,[/quote]
That makes your comment even worse! ADHD is very commonly diagnosed incorrectly, especially in females before they are diagnosed with ASD.

“funny how he’s good at school isn’t it?” Speechless at your lack of understanding and empathy.

@Vodkacranberryplease

Well I have to say.. I don't blame you for doing that! Autism or not he has to go out into the world with a basic standard of behaviour. He has to learn and sometimes that lesson might not be nice. Funny how he's good at school isn't if? Guess he has self control when he wants..,

Lots of children, including neurotypical children, feel "safe" at home and can release whatever they are feeling in their safe space, with safe people.

At the age of 10 they still have the solid structure of the routine every school day.

Get there at the same time
Line up in the same spot
Sit on the carpet
Same table, same chair, same playground, same assembly hall
Routine, structure, routine, structure.

ADHD and ASD is likened to trying to really focus on the “right/expected situation and behave accordingly” whilst playing 15 different radio stations at the same time at high volume whilst wondering why the door is left open and at the same time wondering if the shut window can be opened.

It’s exhausting

Senior school plus hormones, lack of friendships and all of the unknown tends to blow their minds.

There is nothing funny, calculated or manipulative about having a brain wired differently to almost everyone else around you. Especially when those people around them believe they have any control over it at such a young age and even worse, find it funny

@starlet14

Thanks all 🌸 there has been barely anything. DS was diagnosed 5 years ago and we were literally signed off everything! He goes to a fab school but there is no support out of school. He behaves so much better at school too (he's 10). I have taken a look on my local authority website and thinking of making a referral to their support hub. Hopefully they will point me in the right direction. It would be nice just to have a chat with someone over the phone.

Please self refer to whatever your local authority has for their support service. It's what they are for.

Our is called the Front Door and referred to Early Help. It's Kent based though. Give all the detail you need to and they can put support in place. It's not social workers and people taking your kids. It's support for when times are hard.

Good luck OP

@GazingAndGrazing you really don't need to explain this to me. Really. Try to think outside your NT box for a moment. People including and especially most non NT children can manage to do the things they know they MUST. If being respectful to a parent is a MUST they will. If they can do it at school they can do it at home. If the ASD is bad enough that a child can't get through a day at school then of course you can't expect more, but being prepared to accept less isn't setting up either you or the child to succeed. It's not teaching them to be respectful to women and mothers.

It's never going to be perfect as of course there's that degree of safety at home - but It can be better than it currently is. Allowing anything on the grounds of SEN is doing a child a grave disservice as that isn't going to work in the wider world.

No doubt you disagree. With your second hand experience. I think that if you don't teach your child to treat you with respect and expect it from them they will grow into a person who won't have a good life. Just because it comes harder to them doesn't mean you just give up. And don't accuse me of victim blaming because I'm not.

OP I completely understand why you did that. Please don't feel guilty he won't be scarred for life. You need a rest and help managing him., but don't be scared to hold him up to certain standards. He can do it, you just need to be strong

Every child has a slice of expectations. In DDs case with her SEN she can try really hard at school and will still never be near the top of the class. But my expectations mean she's not at the bottom either.

The issue @Vodkacranberryplease is that you are choosing the slice for others. You don't know this child and therefore cannot possibly tell if your expectations are remotely close to realistic. The most important job, before teaching, guiding, discipline, is asking yourself CAN my child do this? Is it age/ability and situationally possible? And you don't know this child. So your immediate assumption that the child can and therefore the parent is failing is shit.

She's seeking help. Don't kick her when she's down.

Starlet how is everything today, thinking of you