AIBU to ask what you wish someone got you after a mastectomy

[SwabianMrs]

Ok mostly posting for traffic. My precious friend is facing a mastectomy and I’d like to get her something that might be useful/spoil her. With her permission (already received) I’ll fill the freezer with healthy options for her kids and hubbie. But I want something I can do for her too. So if you have been through a mastectomy, what do you wish you had access to during your post operative recovery. In these Covid times, she has to be in isolation 2 weeks before and after the op. So any suggestions on what might help her pass the time/distract her would also be gratefully received. She is an only child who lost her parents a few years ago and I just want to cover her with love. To be clear her husband is great but he’s scared too and has little kids to do everything for.

Bumping for you

You sound like a wonderful friend to have! I'm sure she'll appreciate everthing you're doing for her to make life easier during her recovery. Hopefully some people will have useful suggestions for you - I have none!

If any shopping items are needed during the recovery period, is there someone to help out with that?

Thanks, I’ll keep the shopping in mind. Anyone remember what would have helped them?

I don't have the experience to answer your question directly, but have found this site sells the sort of stuff that might fit the bill

www.notanotherbunchofflowers.com

Such a lovely friend. I have a friend who went through a mastectomy. We did the food and some childcare. I learned a lot along the way. Massages need to be done by someone trained to give them to post mastectomy/cancer patients. Perhaps you could research some local to her and buy her a treat for sometime post op (once she is allowed). Does she need chemo and has she given any thought as to whether she would like a head covering in case of hair loss or a wig or shaving her head? It's a very personal choice but perhaps you could offer to accompany her for that. Another friend told me that when her friend was having treatment that she didn't want to talk but preferred to write to her friend so she bought her some stationery.
I am sure that whatever you decide will be much appreciated at such an emotional time.

A visit to a physio specialising in women with breast cancer/mastectomy. If she is around London I can help with names. It takes a while for things to settle, but then it’s important to know what to do in case of pai /fluid pooling/swelling, and only a professional can teach that.

Also, it sounds really lame, but the best thing you can do for her is be there. A text, a call, an emoji. Whatever, just often.

I'm a gardener and would always want something for the garden. A plant, that is, so something to look forward to. A book you've enjoyed?
I'm not into creams and potions though.

I bought my friend a wool wrap. Loose and lovely to keep warm on sofa whilst recovering.

This is not directly mastectomy related however may be useful here.In similar situations I've sent an sms every day that needs no reply. So no questions at all. Just things like "I just bought an ice cream so sending you a virtual one with a 99 thrown in. Love you. xx"

Or sending hugs and love - whatever, tailored to the person (some want less hugs or emotional stuff, for example!).

Anything really so they know they're not forgotten and are loved, but need do nothing to reply. And sometimes I'd specifically add a disclaimer that "This message needs no reply".

The idea is to give love, not overcrowd (not 100s of messages!) and no demands.

Magazines, adult colouring book, books (light hearted, not war and piece). Ie. Easy things she can do to occupy herself,

Wool wrap is a good idea. Or a nice comfy cardigan to wear or day dressing gown..

Blouse/shirt with buttons as it would be easier to put on then a T-shirt as you don’t have to lift it over your head.

Nice socks/slippers.

If she doesn’t have Netflix, maybe a months subscription (or Now tv, prime tv Etc).

A heart shaped cushion. They help keep your arm out of the way of your wound.

I only had a lumpectomy but a friend made one out of fabric which was special to her, which was really thoughtful.

Has she got a Kindle? Vouchers for that would be useful.

I've had a mastectomy and now waiting for a lumpectomy. The problem is driving/not being able to drive. Just treat her as normal and don't ditch her when she gets down about things.

@derxa

I've had a mastectomy and now waiting for a lumpectomy. The problem is driving/not being able to drive. Just treat her as normal and don't ditch her when she gets down about things.

Agree about treating normally and not turning her into someone be looked after. She may want weeks on the sofa, but probably won’t.

A padded seatbelt cover was good or one of those clips that allow some slack in a seatbelt.

Personally the thing I hadn't considered in advance was that I would hardly be able to lift / move my arms at all at first as the wounds and dressings needed to be kept as intact as possible. They can weep or fill up with fluid quite easily with the slightest overexertion. I had to send my mum out to get me loads of shirts/blouses/ dresses that I could put on and take off by pulling them up over my legs, so I suspect a few of those in forgiving colours incase there is any leaking through the dressings would be very well received. My sister also bought me some really lovely La Montana candles which lifted my spirits as they made the whole house smell a bit like being on holiday rather than quarantined. Amazon gift voucher may also be a good bet as she can treat herself to books/ whatever will cheer her up. You sound like an absolutely fantastic friend and I wish you both all the best xx

A small folding table was a god send for me. I was able to position it next to the sofa/bed and could pop my drain/ drinks phone remote on it. Saved excessive bending in the early days. Comfy thick socks if shes had/having chemo as the soles of your feet can really hurt. A decent pillow to rest under her arm for support is also really helpful as can be quite hard to get comfortable. Any nice pamper stuff you know she likes, decent moisturizer, bubble bath etc. I think one of the nicest things my friends did was to mix up the practical gifts with some fancy nice things I wouldn't of brought myself. I appreciated every practical thing I was given but it was also nice to be gifted things that weren't just to do with the cancer.

Folding table is a great call @PeraltasWife

And y y y to keeping things as normal as possible- keep her up to date with all the gossip 😊

Nothing that signals "sick". I think waking up from my mastectomy & being handed the prosthetic was one of the lowest points for me as up to them all I had been focused on was getting rid of the damn lump. So had not really considered the physical and emotional impact of the surgery itself. So anything that makes her feel attractive still would be good.

Thank you for the suggestions- I really appreciate it.

A u shaped pillow can be really helpful for getting comfortable for sleep, especially if she is not a back sleeper.
Also hoodies slightly too big are the easiest to get on. If she has lymph nodes removed her arms might swell so blouses might have sleeves too tight. You can usually start pulling things over your head after 3/4 weeks so not many.
Dry shampoo is also good.

Agree with the big U-Shaped pillow mentioned above, good for helping you stay still when you sleep which avoids pain.

Kindle vouchers or books. Amazon Prime / Netflix subs. All good for entertainment. Perhaps noise cancelling headphones if she's going to be in noisy hospitals for a long time. Maybe an audible subscription so something to listen too.

Gorgeous button up pyjamas so she can be comfy?

Drain bags! My mum had a double mastectomy last year. She was incredible but drain bags were a god send as she had them in for a week. The bags meant she could pop the drain bags inside of them and pop the bag straps over her shoulders keeping her hands free. They really were ingenious. They also took some of the pressure off from the weight of them which helped. The other thing that was really helpful was an extra long phone and tablet charger, its amazing how quickly charge runs down with lots of calls and messages of support from friends and the longer cable meant she could sit comfortably. If I can think of anything else I will let you know. There was lots of things we found before she had surgery but i'm having a bit of a block.

A back scratcher. It can be very hard to reach some of those itchy spots on your back when you can't lift your arm/s properly.