AIBU for letting my nine year old decide he doesn't want to see his dad?

[anon0704]

My ex aka total dumbass decided it would be sensible to call our nine year old son fat to his face. My DS is so upset and keeps asking me if he is. He's put on a bit of weight during lockdown, but now that he's back at school, he's slowly losing it. He's very active, we encourage healthy snacks, etc. When his dad called him fat, he decided he didn't want to see him this week or weekend. I'm fuming. I've gone off on ex, but he doesn't seem to think he's done anything wrong. So, I suppose my question is, is my nine year old DS old enough to make that decision he doesn't want to go there? We don't have a written visitation agreement and I have primary care.

I would definitely tell ex that son doesn't want to see him for a couple of weeks due to how hurt he was by what was said to him. This might help your ex realise just how powerful and far reaching those words are. It'll also show your son that you're extremely angry with ex and that you're 'backing him up' A bit of time apart wont harm either of them. Be careful though that your son doesn't take the break as a chance to slim down quick before he sees ex again.
Ex needs to properly apologise to your son before they see each other again

@pinkyboots1

I agree entirely. Ex hasn't said anything to me since I blew up at him. Ex's gf also said he was out of line, and my dad was ready to go beat the shit out of ex for making DS upset. He had better apologize.

Wholly agree with pinkyboots1. Ex sounds like a thoughtless and stupid person. I think your son has every right to stay away from his father for as long as he wishes. There's courses the ex could go on, if he wishes to reflect on/change his hurtful behaviour. He could contact the local Council for information.

Tell your ex his DS doesn't want to see him for a little while as he's a bit upset. That may prompt him into apologising, or at least make him realise he shouldn't have said it.

Don't let your DS know about any threats of violence from his grandad, as that'll just make him feel worse.

Your ex sounds like an idiot who needs to apologise to his son. However, I think you need to mediate between them and help them get back to a better place. Imagine in a few years, you have a disagreement with your son and your son decided he didn’t want to see you for a few weeks. I can imagine you’d be heartbroken and wouldn’t be okay with your ex keeping your son for weeks until he was ready to see you again. I do understand it’s different as he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong but maybe try and speak to both of them separately.

If you were together when this happened he would still have to see him. Imo this is no different, yes your ex needs to know his son is upset but they needthe time together to work it out.

I should add, this isn't the first incident involving my ex and our son. He stole birthday money from DS as well, and there have been times I've had to go pick DS up because he's called me upset when ex is sleeping and not getting up to feed him.

@Sunshineandsparkle While I understand that they need to work on this, I've mediated so much in the past year when these incidents come up. I've been encouraging and given my ex all the chances in the world to see DS, talk to him when he's not there, etc. I'm not sure what more I can do?

@RedHelenB

If you were together when this happened he would still have to see him. Imo this is no different, yes your ex needs to know his son is upset but they needthe time together to work it out.

Ex is acutely aware he's upset our son and in his words, "I don't care. I'm going to tell him the truth."

Yeah I’d go with the, he doesn’t want to come for a bit, what can we do to restore his trust etc (so frame it as “we” but you really mean “what are you going to do?”)

My dd went through phases of not wanting to see her Dad at 10. I’ve checked and they aren’t considered competent to make that decision at that age. She’s actually fine going now (11, nearly 12 so it was quite recent).

It was because Dad was being a twat then too! What’s helped is that she’s more self sufficient now, as Dad is not that nurturing, let’s say.

Read your update “I don’t care” is pretty shitty.

Parenting course?

Maybe speak to a solicitor? My experience is they tend to suggest not rushing back to court.

Threats of violence from grandad definitely don’t help though!

@Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches

Threats of violence from grandad definitely don’t help though!

This was said in a convo between me and my dad, so DS doesn't know. To be honest, I'd like to hit ex as well!

No yanbu. He needs to make this right. For now your son doesnt want to see him, so go with that. Your ex needs to sort this out.

@Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches

Read your update “I don’t care” is pretty shitty.

Parenting course?

Maybe speak to a solicitor? My experience is they tend to suggest not rushing back to court.

I've spoken to a solicitor while sorting out divorce proceedings and it was him who recommended not getting anything in writing for situations like this (solicitor is aware of ex's instability at times). If we had something in writing, ex could insist I'm breaking the visitation agreement and force DS to come see him, which I think would make the situation worse.

I doubt that the kind of father who won't get up to feed a child would be the kind who'd volunteer for a parenting course.

He needs to put this right, if he’s capable of it. If he’s not... well, he will have to get used to his son not wanting a relationship with him.

I work within the family courts and if I was to hear a child tell me that his dad called him fat and distressed him, I’d be very blunt with the dad about the harm he was doing and I’d expect this to be acknowledged and addressed, and if it’s not - ultimately I’d not recommend or expect a court order for the child to go.

@FenellaVelour

He needs to put this right, if he’s capable of it. If he’s not... well, he will have to get used to his son not wanting a relationship with him.

I work within the family courts and if I was to hear a child tell me that his dad called him fat and distressed him, I’d be very blunt with the dad about the harm he was doing and I’d expect this to be acknowledged and addressed, and if it’s not - ultimately I’d not recommend or expect a court order for the child to go.

I did mention to my ex (he'd brought his concerns up privately to me before) that telling DS about this could cause mental health issues and then he proceeded to bash MY OWN mental health issues (I have depression and anxiety) and said I made DS overly sensitive. Something in me snapped at that moment (I was accused of being overly sensitive by a school secretary in middle school) and I just saw red. I've not spoken to my ex since, except to tell him that DS won't be there this week or weekend.

Yanbu to allow him not to see him for a few weeks.

However do you also think this is getting caught up with your own issues? It seems a huge reaction and frankly your dad being so angry and thinking (even if it's not said in front of DS) about beating him up makes it worse, and sends more of a message about 'fat' being a terrible terrible thing to be (which frankly, it isn't, it's just a thing and your DS will be more damaged by you and your family treating it like such a hideous insult).

[quote anon0704]@pinkyboots1

I agree entirely. Ex hasn't said anything to me since I blew up at him. Ex's gf also said he was out of line, and my dad was ready to go beat the shit out of ex for making DS upset. He had better apologize.[/quote]
So, mom, grandpa, and dad's girlfriend all agree that dad is in the wrong? I hardly think you need internet strangers to chime in.

Without knowing your child, I'd guess either too little activity during lockdown or a weight surge before a (height) growth spurt. But, I certainly wouldn't tell a 9-year-old off for being too fat. If he doesn't want to see dad while he is upset, I'd back him up. I'd be upset and I'm an adult.

Bottom line, I wouldn't keep my son from my ex intentionally. But ex has to apologize and shape up. Thanks all.

This was said in a convo between me and my dad, so DS doesn't know. To be honest, I'd like to hit ex as well!

Yes but you said your dad was 'ready to go and beat the shit out of him'.

Was that just bravado, or do you really think your dad meant he was ready to attack him?

Because if he did, your DS would find out about it and that would make him feel a million times worse.

@WorraLiberty

This was said in a convo between me and my dad, so DS doesn't know. To be honest, I'd like to hit ex as well!

Yes but you said your dad was 'ready to go and beat the shit out of him'.

Was that just bravado, or do you really think your dad meant he was ready to attack him?

Because if he did, your DS would find out about it and that would make him feel a million times worse.

My dad is 5000 miles away, lol.

I can promise everyone here: no one is going to beat ex up, as much as we'd like to give him a good punch, it won't help the situation at all. So, no worries there.

So he was talking shit?

If that's the case, I'm not sure why you mentioned it at all.

Your ex sounds a real gem.

Given everything you've said, in your shoes I'd be quietly supporting son's decision and in the next months and years having a few conversations about how to deal with people when they are mean to you, and how you don't have to put up with this sort of stuff, and some people don't know how to behave. Without naming his dad directly; if your son can learn how to deal with this shit then he can have a relationship with his dad on his own terms (or no relationship). But I wouldn't be forcing him to go.

Sounds like your solicitor may have detected something off and anticipated that your son might not want to go, and was trying to give him a way to refuse to go without being forced into it. I'll never understand why courts think that adults should be defended from coercive situations, but children must be forced to go right into them. It's a double-damage idiocy.