AIBU to resent my ex his happiness?

[NotAProperGrownUp]

Well, I’ve written the question and answered it myself - of course IABU! So my next problem is how do I stop it?
Backstory - ExH left what I thought was a ‘perfect ish’ marriage without warning a couple of years ago, eventually admitting to an 18+ month affair. He left me with a part time job, a house to sell and two beautiful children. In the last 18 months I’ve got a well-paid full time job, bought a house (got a mortgage anyway!) and just about kept a grip on life. A lot of unpleasant things were said in the immediate aftermath of him leaving - that I’m pathetic, lazy, unattractive and make him physically sick for example.
He sees the DC regularly, pays me maintenance and is pretty pleasant to me when we cross paths. He’s moved in with his partner (previously OW) and her kids and has been able to work from home since March. He’s looking well and has a beautiful home.
I’m utterly exhausted with work and home and children and extended family. I’m still fairly astounded at how my life looks.
Petty jealousies aside, my DC are tween/early teens and still struggling to cope with all the changes to our lives. They go on lots of fun days out with their dad, but are still grieving and expressing that in various ways at home (whilst being absolutely fine at dads house). I’m trying so hard to save my energies for keeping going and trying to be happy but harbour so much resentment and even hatred for what all this has done to my children. I’m not a hateful person, it feels uncomfortable to feel this way - but how do I let it go and stop becoming a bitter, jaded old witch?! 🧙‍♀️

Living well is the best revenge.

I think most people would feel the same way. What I took from your post is how well you are doing. You've had the rug pulled out from under you. You should be really proud of yourself and how you've coped.

Yes - being a success in your own eyes, with children loving you is the best revenge. Set time aside for yourself to ensure you are not working yourself selflessly to the bone. He found time and space to chase another woman while married to you, you need time and space to draw breath and find what you want to make of the rest of your life - hobbies, treats, companionship etc
Don't let resentment occupy your head space.

OP. Sorry to read this. Similar experience but with a much younger child and the father cut all contact 2 years ago. In my opinion it is just time. I am still very tied to work / childcare but things are improving. I have completely shut off from his (luxury) life with the OW and also have distanced myself from his family who have minimised his behaviour. I try and take pride in my achievements (own home, career) and the fact that our child is settled and happy. Apologies that I can't offer specific practical ways to address your feelings but I wish you the best. Ultimately I feel completely relieved that I am not with such a cowardly unpleasant man now.

You reap what you sow!

Fun dad may be great every other weekend but your kids are more than that, it may not be anytime soon but they will remember all that you have done for them, the fun times that didn’t need trips outside the home or big holidays etc.

Mine are fab playing board games or long walks in the woods - it’s the relaxed spontaneity good times they remember most.

Your ex, well his relationship was built on lies and deceit hardly a great foundation.

In many cases the old adage that when a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy, holds true.

Regardless of that, PP are right - I know it's fucking annoying to be told that comparison is the thief of joy but it truly is. Focus on your own life, your own achievements, and remember how far you've come. Covid has been utterly shit for work/life balance particularly if you're a working parent, but this won't last forever.

And if you are really struggling, then remember the fact that what's on the outside rarely reflects what happens behind closed doors.

Ime looking ahead your relationship with your dc will be strong and very resilient to whatever life throws at it.
I doubt your exh can say the same.

Thank you 💐
I know my dc love me, they are brilliant kids who understand why I have to work so hard. But they miss me and, this kills me, they feel sorry for me. They’re angry at their dad and can’t express it and they refuse any outside help like counsellors etc. They have fun times with him then come home to feel sad - which is shit! We have beautiful relationships and I’m blessed but I’m knackered and - honestly - jealous that he has a partner to support him when he’s struggling. I am seeing someone, but around the kids as they don’t feel ready for yet more new people.

It's normal. You have been left with so many of the consequences of his actions. It's not fair, not at all. But we flower in these hard hard circumstances. It sounds like you are doing amazingly. Could he ever have done so well? Would he have even tried? Of course not. So ask-- who is the better and more successful one? Remember, no matter how 'together' he seems, he has to be him, a man who cheated on you and left you in this situation. That speaks volumes about who he is at his core, and that is punishment enough. He will never eclipse you but it sounds like you already eclipsed him.

I empathise entirely. I am 7 years on from a very similar experience. My kids were 5 and 7 at the time. It was utter hell. Life is much better now and I have a partner I adore - whom I am much more compatable with and I trust implicitly. Whilst my emotions around the devastation of desertion have lessened - I honestly don't think I'll ever forgive him for the pain he caused our children. Time tis all, it really does help the healing... and as others have said, concentrate on creating the life you want with your children. Try not to think about his life, it's his business now and as idilic as it looks, it probably isn't. I hated my children feeling sorry for me, its a horrible feeling. In time you will regain your self worth and with it your power. Best foot forward my lovely... keep putting one foot in front of the other, and keep your head high.. for you as well as your kids. Breath... and believe, you'll get there. 💐

@staceyflack oh thank you! That made me cry a bit. I just hate him for being ok when I’m not. And for putting my girls through all this. I’m hanging on in the belief it’ll be ok eventually. I’m so happy you’re happy

It is shit OP. Completely normal to feel jealous/resentful/sad/angry about it all. My mum & dad split when I was 10. My mum left my dad & I was so angry at her, I was a nightmare & the sun shon out my dads arse. She was working hard & he moved on and had more, I always had ‘fun’ with dad. Fast forward 18 years & I see my mum left my dad because he was a self serving arse hole, my mum is a beautiful strong person, who I admire so so much.

I doubt that time was easy for her & she was probably really pissed off. But she never slagged my dad off, never stopped me seeing him & that just shows such good character that I’m well aware of now. Your kids will to one day, keep going

You’ve done brilliantly. Look what you’ve achieved: Your own home, a better job and lovely children who love you. You’re the stability in their lives and are setting a great example of perseverance, resilience, hard work and integrity.

What’s he done? Fucked another woman, cheated on his family, broken up his family, and moved out of his family home and into her ready-made family life. He’s achieved nothing.

Don’t compare your lives, there is no comparison. Keep on, keeping on and take huge satisfaction in what you’ve achieved.

YANBU, fuck him OP. And his stupid OW. (I know it’s his fault, but fuck her too).

My ex has done similar. Told me he never loved me, and just been generally cruel. In my case, though, I don't think he's happy. He can't keep a job, he lives in a crappy apartment, 2/3 of our kids don't want to have anything to do with him. I'm ashamed that I think it serves him right...

Op I've no answers, my ex has got engaged to OW, bought his third house, bought a boat and launched a successful business whilst telling the court he's massively debt and thus pays the bare minimum in child maintenance. I've 4 part time jobs and I'm studying while raising 3 kids on my own. While for the most part I've moved on and started a career in something I love, have lots of interesting hobbies and great friends. I ended up getting extremely ill recently and he refused to mind the kids while I was in hospital. I actually think the illness is triggered by stress of just trying to cope on my own while he's swanning around being a wonderful Disney dad. Whilst I'm not jealous or bitter, I do ask god quiet a lot what I've done to deserve these tests? I'm resilient, I'm resourceful and I'm dexterous but I honestly don't know how I can keep going with a chronic illness hanging over my head on top of everything else.

I just wanted to say I'm a comrade in arms. It's tough and it hurts. I hear you.

op forget about revenge you have no idea how his life will be in a few years time and have no control over that but totally natural for your to want him to hurt in the way you and your children have And all those other feelings

This is the way you feel your feelings are valid and ask yourself Why shouldn’t you feel this way what he did was tear your family apart, kicked you down emotionally, hurt your children and you are picking up the pieces and holding things together to do that takes a huge amount of strength You are doing fantastically for yourself and your children - what he thinks about this what does it matter what difference does it make he isn’t worth all the tears and the anger one day you will suddenly realise you have moved on to the point you can concentrate more on yourself. I hope that is soon so you can truly acknowledge how bloody marvellous you are

In the meantime don’t knock yourself for not being the super mum that just brushes herself down and only thinks positively we are allowed to hurt for ourselves as well as hurt for our children

He has just created a vacancy. You probably won't get to hear how that works out, but be assured it won't be pretty.

He's a trash man who's a cheater

Get over it - and I mean this in the best possible way. You can't compete, you are you. Your kids love you, what more could you want? Maybe when they are parents themselves then they will truly understand.

YABVU

ILoveFood87

Why? Please elaborate...

Just echoing with PP’s have said- you’ve coped amazingly with what he’s thrown at you, so continue to live your life and forget about what he’s doing. You’re achieving far more and the workload should ease up as your children become more independent. Think about what you want to do in the next few years that will make you happy and go for it. Who cares what he does!

Very well said Histrionicz
They come home to be sad with you because you are home OP, your love and security lets them be themselves.You sound like you are doing an amazing job and they will always know this.
My children totally recognise what their dad did and how I kept the 3 of us together- yours will too. You should be very proud of yourself.

You won't be knackered for ever OP. You're currently laying down strong foundations (practical, emotional, financial) & believe me, your hard work will pay off.

I'm 50, divorced & sat here having some quiet time while my teenage kids & fiancé (non cohabiting, he's here for the weekend) sleep. I've just finished a post grad (big pay rise & job security), about to start house hunting with fiancé, decided to hang on to this (gorgeous) house & rent it out, planning holidays, planning our wedding & generally enjoying the fruits of my labour. My ex is in a dingy little flat since his relationship ended, the kids no longer bother with him & a few months ago he was asking to borrow money from me to pay his rent. It was a nightmare for the first few years after he went & seeing his 'perfect' life made it worse. Now, however, it just makes my achievements even sweeter.

You'll get there, the future is YOURS.