Page 2 | AIBU to be annoyed when BF doesn’t message back when he’s on holiday

Spring202 · 2020-08-30T10:53:24+00:00

BF’s gone on holiday with his mates and GFs to Spain but I didn’t fancy risking it with Covid so stayed at home. Other than the msg to say he’s got there a week ago he hasn’t made contact since. I saw his mates’ Insta of them having a good time and he’s active on WhatsApp so he can msg if he wanted. AIBU to feel like he doesn’t care about me and be annoyed? I want to say something but don’t want to start an argument.

ShouldWeChangeTheBulb · 30/08/2020 12:51

I think of you only msg every few days and only see each other 2 times a month then it’s more of a causal relationship anyway. He doesn’t sound that into you but that’s okay if it works for now.

LonginesPrime · 30/08/2020 13:05

I don't want to be with someone who needs to be reminded to miss me even when he's busy.
Maybe my thread should have asked AIBU to expect my BF to think of me even when he's busy or having fun

Sure, OP, that makes sense.

Although I would query whether his not texting you definitely proves he's not thinking of you or missing you - doesn't it just prove he's not texting you?

People express themselves in different ways. It might not have occurred to him that you see a text as a sign that the person is thinking of you and that the absence of texts means something more to you than it does to him. It sounds like it's just something to talk about when he gets back, but it doesn't necessarily signal the kiss of death for the relationship!

melj1213 · 30/08/2020 13:29

I think YABU

You have a casual relationship, you only message a few times a week normally and he is on holiday with a group of friends. At this moment in time, you are not his priority as you chose not to join them and so hes probably not prioritising messaging you over spending time with the group he is actually with.

He is probably busy and being active on WhatsApp could just be that they have a group on there to keep track of their holiday plans - who is doing what activities each day, what time is the dinner reservation,who wants an ice cream/drink from the bar etc. Since the trip is mostly couples I would assume they are all having some time alone/doing their own things as well as doing things as small groups/the whole group, so will need a bit of coordination.

I also notice that you haven't answered the question as to whether you have actually messaged him or are just waiting for him to message you first. If I am away then I tend to be focussing on the people I am with, and other than the odd "check in" text/WA home, I dont message people unless they message me first, but if they do then I am happy to have a text conversation if I'm not busy.

redwinefine · 30/08/2020 16:51

If he was trying to contact you when you were on hol and there was the expectation you'd reply, I'd definitely be put out if he's not in contact now.

anon5000 · 30/08/2020 16:54

It wouldn't hurt him to drop you a few Whatsapp messages. I'd be annoyed too.

No one is busy all day on holiday.

ivfdreaming · 30/08/2020 18:00

This is going to sound harsh but unfortunately your relationship sounds somewhat forgettable if you only see each other every other weekend? He's used to very little contact at home and this has obviously carried over to the holiday.

RozHuntleysStump · 30/08/2020 18:03

He doesn’t sound very interested to me. I’d expect some messages too.

SummerPoppies · 30/08/2020 18:04

I don't understand why you would expect contact when he's on holiday.
But then, I don't understand all this neediness anyway.

Pumperthepumper · 30/08/2020 18:28

Sorry, I think this is the end of the road. You don’t see each other very much and it’s only been 18months. In most healthy relationships you want to keep in touch, see how the other’s day’s been, text a funny story - no contact for a full week regardless sounds really dull and sad. Is this a relationship you’d want to keep?

CrazyToast · 30/08/2020 19:02

Yes it would annoy me. My partner should want to connect with me. It should not be a chore that he forgets or avoids when he has something else to do.

Somethingsnappy · 30/08/2020 19:13

Could he be disgruntled that you didn't go with him when some of the others GFs in the group did?

joystir59 · 30/08/2020 19:24

You don't sound very close. After 18 months I'd expect to occupy a pivotal place in my partner's life and vice versa. I can't imagine not being in contact for a week

Original poster

Spring202 · 30/08/2020 21:14

@Wolfiefan

You only see each other every other weekend? Then I wouldn’t expect a message. If you lived together or had kids together then I would.

We live 60 miles apart and it's a shame I don't have more time being a lone parent and working full time so only free time I have is the alternate weekend when DC stays at his dad's. BF has grown up kids he doesn't live with but works during week. I mostly travels to his on my free weekends and he doesn't offers to spend time with me and DC together. I appreciate that's a personal choice if he's doesn't want to be doing kids friendly things.

I did msg him but he didn't reply. Probably wasn't worded in a pushy way to demand a reply.

Thanks everyone for your opinions. It's given me lots to think about.

OP posts:

thepeopleversuswork · 30/08/2020 21:20

I think it totally depends on what level of contact is normal for you as a couple. It sounds as if its normally fairly infrequent (a few times a week).

I think its slightly strange not to have heard from him for an entire week, but if that's the way you normally communicate I wouldn't read too much into it.

If you normally were in touch dozens of times a day it might be worrying.

Potterpotterpotter · 30/08/2020 21:21

Your relationship is casual if you only see each other every other week and message a few times a week so I wouldn’t expect a message to be honest.

gutentag1 · 31/08/2020 20:21

You do pretty much all the travelling even though you're the one with DC still at home, and he doesn't want to hang out with your DC after 18 months together? And he ignored your text??

SimonJT · 31/08/2020 20:28

It depends on your usual levels of contact.

Personally on holiday I focus on just that, I went to Japan with my son last year, I messaged my boyfriend when we had arrived, apart from that I didn’t contact him, I also didn’t message/call anyone else at home.

The actual issues seems to be about what the relationship actually is, 18 months is a decent chubk of time. Unless you both agree that you only want a casual relationship it is unusual for your lives not to be fairly well linked by now. We’re at almost 18 months and living together, he met my son after six months.

Original poster

Spring202 · 31/08/2020 22:50

@gutentag1

You do pretty much all the travelling even though you're the one with DC still at home, and he doesn't want to hang out with your DC after 18 months together? And he ignored your text??

I guess it sounds bad when you put it this way... I was quite upset when he wouldn't meet up with me outdoors, socially distanced, when lockdown first eased. He said there was no point if we had to be 2 metres apart.

OP posts:

Janaih · 31/08/2020 22:57

How did you meet? Online?

Livpool · 31/08/2020 22:58

Your relationship sounds pretty casual - even if it is long term.

Plus - you said he contacted you when you were away. Have you contacted him?

Original poster

Spring202 · 31/08/2020 23:02

@SimonJT

It depends on your usual levels of contact.

Personally on holiday I focus on just that, I went to Japan with my son last year, I messaged my boyfriend when we had arrived, apart from that I didn’t contact him, I also didn’t message/call anyone else at home.

The actual issues seems to be about what the relationship actually is, 18 months is a decent chubk of time. Unless you both agree that you only want a casual relationship it is unusual for your lives not to be fairly well linked by now. We’re at almost 18 months and living together, he met my son after six months.

He met DC after about 6 months and they get on when they are together but BF never suggest to do anything together so I don't press. I need to have a talk with him. It never occurred to me such a thing existed as a casual relationship when both parties only have each other and not sleeping around. I don't think I want this kind of casual relationship. Maybe he just doesn't want to commit and I'm making it convenient for him. I wouldn't want anyone to change just to be in a relationship, neither me nor him, but we should be wanting the same thing.

OP posts:

Jellycatspyjamas · 01/09/2020 07:26

I mostly travels to his on my free weekends and he doesn't offers to spend time with me and DC together. I appreciate that's a personal choice if he's doesn't want to be doing kids friendly things.
It may be a personal choice, but he made a personal choice to get involved with someone who has kids - I wouldn’t expect every date to be child friendly but I would expect him to want to get to know my kids and wouldn’t expect to do all the running.

Sounds like there are deeper issues than not texting while on holiday.

Skyliner001 · 01/09/2020 07:39

YANBU he is having too good a time to message you.

Skyliner001 · 01/09/2020 07:41

This is obviously not a great love story OP. Would consider if you are better off with off him unless you genuine want to keep it casual 😌

ButteryPuffin · 01/09/2020 08:48

You do seem to be doing a lot of the work in the relationship and I don't like the 'no point if we're 2 metres apart' remark. That would carry more weight than him not meeting up when you have the kids for me. What are his good points? Is it worth carrying this on?