To feel remorseful over things that happened in the past?

[BBCONEANDTWO]

Am I being silly to feel upset over things that happened in the past?

e.g.

We had a man come and measure for blinds and he didn't get in touch for ages after but was a bit rude when he came round about the state of the decor at the time. As we couldn't get in touch we got someone else to do it. The original guy turned up at our door and said 'Oh dear I know I was rude - I guess you don't want me now'. We had already got the blinds fixed so I said no and he left. I still feel rotten for him.

My mother who has been dead over 10 years - we once charged her albeit a small amount for a portable tv. I don't know what possessed me to do it and she was happy enough but I keep thinking why on earth did I take money from my own mother?

These are just a couple of examples but am I being silly or should I feel like this?

I get this too. Guilt shows you are a good person who cares very deeply about others, but too much and it affects your life. You can't change the past, I would suggest, if you're finding yourself stuck and unable to stop going over harmless events from the past, look into CBT as a way to label and challenge these thoughts, and turn them into more realistic and positive ones.

Scarcely a day passes when I don't find myself cringing inwardly at some unkind, thoughtless or embarrassing act I have committed in the past.

It's not good to keep these things in your mind - by the time you're 60 you'll have so many that you will find it really difficult to like yourself. I speak from experience.

If you were trying to learn something, say a poem, you would keep reciting it to yourself to keep it in your mind. The same happens with things that you rightly or wrongly feel remorse about. You can't change what's happened, so don't allow it to come into your mind, push it away when it does instead of going over it again. In due course some of them will disappear from your memory altogether.

Pelleas Thank-you.

Yep, I do this a lot.
I had a termination 17 years ago and have since had 2 children.
I often think this child would be 16 now and regret not having this child.
Yet at the time it felt the right decision.
I know it's not healthy and I should stop thinking about it but can't help it.
Think I might look into CBT to help.

Op, in the examples you describe, let them go for your own sanity. There's nothing you can do to change them. The blinds guy isn't worth a second more of thought!

Oh I have this.

Always with really minor things that I’m sure no one else would even recall, but they make me cringe with guilt/embarrassment. It’s ridiculous.

The most important thing is trying to make sure you do not do things like this again. Learning from your errors, channel the upset into something positive.

I'm the same. I was a bit of a stalker once with an old boyfriend in the 80 's and I cringe when I think about it. It was only ringing him up and going to places I knew he'd be , but I feel so bad about it! I did get over him but I was a bit obsessed for a while (poor bloke.)

So many things I've done wrong or messed up and I tend to think about them too much when though nobody was hurt or anything really bad it was just growing up and being naive about the world.
So many things ..

I do this a lot. Particularly during bleddy Covid when I have more time on my hands than usual. And I wonder whether other people spend as much time self-flagelating as I do or whether I'm genuinely a terrible person who has so much more to atone for than the average person.

If only I hadn't lapsed from Catholicism, I'd go to confession.

I tend to still worry over old car accidents ( all sorted, nobody died luckily but I did feel so bad ) falling out with people over nothing , upset at something my brother said once, etc etc. it is exhausting at times.
I've had CBT in the past but nothing really helps me and I still imagine people laughing at my mishaps years on.
I was talking to a friend about it once and she looked puzzled ' I don't remember that' she said ! I do over think things.

I torment myself daily with recriminatory thoughts about people whose feelings I hurt in my teens, 20s and 30s. And 40s I never meant to, but I had so many blind spots about myself that I should've come with a public health warning ⚠

These days I hardly go out and am very wary of getting involved with anyone new for fear of putting my size 12s in it. Some of my friends have stuck by me so I'm incredibly lucky, but sadly I'm not sure I'll ever let myself off the hook for 'the sins of my youth'. It's a terrible thing not to be able to trust yourself in relationships. I was diagnosed with EUPD a few years ago, which made sense, but that judge and jury inside me doesn't appear to accept mental illness as grounds for leniency 😔

Try to be as gentle as possible with yourself OP

I did spend years just staying away from many people too as I felt bad at all the things I've ' done wrong' in my time.
It wasn't anything bad , but enough for me to feel I shouldn't go out much or see anyone so I wouldn't do it wrong again. It's hard to explain really and I really did have to grow up a lot and learn how not to upset people or do stupid things! I'm a bit better these dats but I can be awkward around people sometimes and I prefer my own company as well !

And I wonder whether other people spend as much time self-flagelating as I do or whether I'm genuinely a terrible person who has so much more to atone for than the average person.

Oh gosh I spend so much time on this. I am genuinely the worst person though, and the stupidest.

OP I'm a bit like this too, but re the blind guy, what's to cringe about that? He was rude and lazy and lost a few £ because of it. That's a good outcome. I'd have probably paid him to come after he was rude, he'd have come and been rude again and done a shit job. And I'd be sitting here ten years later cringing saying why did I give that arse hole work!

Those are really very small examples in the grand scheme of things, I thought you were going to confess to something really awful!
Do you usually feel pressure to be 'perfect' in the eyes of other people?

I sometimes think back and cringe or feel ashamed over things I did in the past. I don’t think it’s silly although you wouldn’t want to think about it too much. I’d rather have some self awareness than be one of those people who never think they’ve done anything wrong. You live and learn...and hopefully try not to repeat past mistakes.

The thing about regret, OP, is that you have more insight now. You wouldn't do the same things now as you have more insight. But you clearly didn't have that insight at the time otherwise you wouldn't have done those things!

So don't beat yourself up over who you used to be - you're not that person now and wouldn't behave in the same way.

That said, on the example of the blinds man, it sounds like he was shitty to you and instead of his taking the loss of business on board as a lesson in the value of good customer service, it sounds like he blamed you for choosing an alternative contractor. The fact you took his lack of personal responsibility on board as your own shortcoming makes me wonder why - if you don't know, you might find counselling helpful (I know I found it hugely helpful!).

If you use those past mistakes (in your eyes) to make decisions in the future and act in a way you are more comfortable about, those things in the past are learning opportunities you can show gratitude for as they enabled you to grow as a person. No one ever grows from being perfect.

The best way you can make amends for anything that happens is to use it to shape the future.

@fortysomething78 you did the right thing at the time, please do get some CBT. You mustn't keep beating yourself up.

Aw mate, I get it! I'm always embarrassed and upset about my past mistakes and things I said that upset people.

I console myself by realising that most are from long ago, so I must have learnt from my mistakes!

I think most of us do this from time to time.

I have a pretty high tolerance for my past behaviour and it takes a lot to embarras me but even I ruminate sometimes over things other people wouldn't even remember