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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can introverts get ahead? Should they try?

43 replies

Intrepidintrovert · 30/08/2020 00:09

Do you think introverts can ever achieve highly in a team/office based role? I'm a working professional, very good at my job, but the only criticism I constantly get is that I need to 'raise my profile'. Be louder. Be more visible. Put myself forward. Go out for drinks (I don't drink - and don't want to socialise with colleagues). But I just don't think I'm that kind of person, and as I get older I'm getting less arsed about trying to fit into a mould that isn't me. I don't speak well off the top of my head but prefer thinking and writing things down, I find confrontation stressful, I find social interaction draining. I'm totally a 'fake it till you make it' person so come across as friendly and bubbly (if quiet) but in reality I sometimes have lunch in my car just to get away from everyone for a while. (WFH has been bloody brilliant for me btw.)

The problem is that a promotion has come up at work. I'm definitely far more qualified for it and able than anyone else and my boss has basically said it's mine if I want it. That he knows I have the skills to do a great job. That if they don't hire me they may not even fill the role. BUT that in order to do a more senior job, I need to... raise my profile! I need to be more ready for confrontation, take charge, be more visible. That to get the status of controlling and shaping my department, I need to have the personality to interact with (his words) 'the shark pool' of the higher ups.

So what do you think - can introverts do a more high profile role? Or have I gone as far as I can go with my, um, personality limitations? Do the 'alpha' people (as one of my colleague referred to herself, saying it must be difficult for me not to be one when there are so many in our department!) get ahead in certain roles and there's no room on the ladder for the people who are just quietly really good at their jobs?

YABU: Introverts can get ahead.
YANBU: Introverts are not suited for the top of the office career ladder.

OP posts:
HerRoyalNotness · 30/08/2020 00:11

Bill Gates Is an introvert.

I am also and it’s probably hindered my career a lot. Oh well.

Sayitagainwhydontyou · 30/08/2020 00:12

This has nothing to do with being an introvert or an extrovert, it's to do with being someone who can inspire and command respect, and therefore is suited to leadership and more demanding roles.

Totickleamockingbird · 30/08/2020 00:19

@Sayitagainwhydontyou

This has nothing to do with being an introvert or an extrovert, it's to do with being someone who can inspire and command respect, and therefore is suited to leadership and more demanding roles.
Our workplaces are designed to suit extroverts unfortunately. This needs to change. This ‘drinks’ culture sets back a careers of a huge number of women and minorities.
Original poster
Intrepidintrovert · 30/08/2020 00:21

This has nothing to do with being an introvert or an extrovert, it's to do with being someone who can inspire and command respect, and therefore is suited to leadership and more demanding roles.

Leadership, I get.

But this isn't leadership. It's just a more senior/demanding role.

Why is personality more important than skills? I'm not saying you're wrong - I think you're depressingly right - but why??

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 30/08/2020 00:21

@Sayitagainwhydontyou

This has nothing to do with being an introvert or an extrovert, it's to do with being someone who can inspire and command respect, and therefore is suited to leadership and more demanding roles.
This.

I am an introvert. I have done well in corporate.

The introversion means I recharge on my own, which is I think the actual definition of it. Introverted does not mean shy, socially awkward or disliking people. It just means that socialising drains you and you need alone time to recharge.

DH is an extrovert. He recharges with people. He is drained quickly by too much time alone. I am better at business networking and profile building than him though.

TorkTorkBam · 30/08/2020 00:22

Senior means people look up to you.

You have to be a leader.

TorkTorkBam · 30/08/2020 00:23

Social networking, having a profile that affects your ability to command respect and showcase both your work and your team's work is a skill not a personality trait.

Stripesgalore · 30/08/2020 00:26

This isn’t about being an introvert. You can be an introvert and still have excellent social skills when you are around other people.

TorkTorkBam · 30/08/2020 00:30

in order to do a more senior job, I need to... raise my profile! I need to be more ready for confrontation, take charge, be more visible. That to get the status of controlling and shaping my department, I need to have the personality to interact with (his words) 'the shark pool' of the higher ups.

How will you control and shape a department if you won't stand up to people taking the piss or people making daft decisions in the higher ups? What if someone tries to blame your department for a thing that is their own department's fault? How will you sort that out? What if budgets are tight and people are arguing that your dept doesn't do that much, doesn't need that much, and they can spend the money better? How will you make sure your budget is never even in that firing line? What if there are strategic direction issues? How will you see them coming and be proactive if you aren't chatting to a wider network of people? You'll be blindsided all the time. How will you know who will do you a favour and who won't in a tight spot? That kind of thing.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 30/08/2020 00:33

Everything your boss is asking of you is 'leadership' - apart from going for drinks. PP is totally correct, introversion and extroversion are much more about where you get your energy from rather than how you manage upwards - I am a classic extrovert and I hate networking, CBA with politics and am far too busy to stress about visibility. But I love people, am hugely energised by being around others, and have really struggled in lockdown.

Don't limit yourself with labels, particularly ones that are inaccurate.

ForrestTrump · 30/08/2020 00:43

Most skills required in business can be learned but some just come more naturally to extroverts. I think in certain sales roles though personality is key to winning over customers - I certainly see this in lots of less corporate sectors where a lot of people know each other.

Original poster
Intrepidintrovert · 30/08/2020 00:45

I think you're right - the labels might be wrong.

As mum to a child with ASD I dislike self-diagnosis but I do wonder about being a little similar to her too (sorry, another label!)

I have reasonably good social skills - I make people laugh a lot. But it's all fake. And I'm not a horrible person or anything. I guess I just feel that I shouldn't have to ram myself down people's throats for them to respect my skills and expertise.

@TorkTorkBam you make a lot of sense, but I'm just not sure I can be a big enough personality to command this kind of respect.

OP posts:
Stripesgalore · 30/08/2020 00:48

Isn’t almost everyone at work being fake though?

You have to go to work and behave in a way you are being paid to behave.

It’s why many people try to find jobs that are about something else other than dealing with people.

blueshoes · 30/08/2020 00:52

If you take personality tests (of which I have many, sigh), you can be an introvert but adapt your personality at work to 'push up' traits which may not naturally be you but which you need to draw on to do the role.

Therefore, to take a senior role, you have to manage the higher ups and speak their lingo and then manage the team and their unique requirements and personalities whilst being firm when you need to. This includes giving hard messages. You would need to do more presentations to management and package the issues in a way they can relate to and think more big picture and strategic. Can you see yourself doing this? I don't think it is an introversion/extroversion thing, and more of a skills and personality thing.

blueshoes · 30/08/2020 00:57

BUT that in order to do a more senior job, I need to... raise my profile! I need to be more ready for confrontation, take charge, be more visible.

This sounds somewhat sexist outdated view of senior management. It is like saying to a woman she needs to have more 'presence' or 'gravitas'.

Not all senior executives are confrontational or overtly take charge. There are many different styles of management, all of which can work. It would be crazy to have to change your personality. As a senior person, you do have to push yourself out there more, but you absolutely don't have to or want to be confrontational - sounds like self-sabotage. Makes me wonder what sort of work place you are in and what sort of person would give you that advice.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 30/08/2020 00:59

Well no, you shouldn't have to ram yourself down someone else's throat to make them understand you, But this isn't about you - it's about leading and representing a team of people, which is quite different. Your boss has laid that out for you and it's not something you're immediately comfortable with. But that isn't because you're an introvert, it's because it's a skill set you don't have right now. You can learn it, and like any new skill it's going to feel a bit weird and definitely tiring until it becomes second nature.

As I said earlier, I'm an extrovert but I don't have any of those skills either, which is why I work alone!

Original poster
Intrepidintrovert · 30/08/2020 01:05

It’s why many people try to find jobs that are about something else other than dealing with people.

This is the bit I struggle with. The vast majority of my job is done solo. The vast majority of the promotion would also be solo (but with more scope). But it would potentially involve defending decisions to those in power and some outsourcing though no direct report managing.

I feel frustrated that my personality (or the way that my personality interacts with my ability or interest in certain skills) is holding me back when the actual WORK bit of the job I can do very well.

OP posts:
Original poster
Intrepidintrovert · 30/08/2020 01:10

I tend to feel sick if I have a big meeting where I have to present. I think and obsess about it every day from when the meeting is scheduled until after it's done. (I do suffer from anxiety.)

I know you all say these skills can be learned but honestly I've been faking it for years and years. I'm not young, I'm highly experienced in my field. The faking it never ends and the making it never begins. And faking it is getting so tiring. I'm tired of trying to pretend I'm something I'm not. I'm over being apologetic for being a quiet, thoughtful person.

OP posts:
ForrestTrump · 30/08/2020 01:12

You have to go to work and behave in a way you are being paid to behave.

It’s why many people try to find jobs that are about something else other than dealing with people.

This was me basically. I gave up a corporate job in my 30s and retrained in a trade. Within reason I can speak my mind. I could certainly sack off an employer and be working for another within a week - references aren't really important and I'd just have to do an assessment instead to show I have the skills.

FenellaVelour · 30/08/2020 01:14

I’m an introvert but I do a fairly good job at masking it when I’m at work. Most people wouldn’t know. Though my manager saw straight 5rough me 😂
I’m in a professional job and do well at it, seem to be highly regarded. But it does come at a cost as I’m usually mentally drained at the end of a work day and can’t bear to be around people.

blueshoes · 30/08/2020 01:14

Who is currently doing the senior role and how did they do it?

I am confused because your boss is saying you need to control and shape your department yet you say that almost all of your and senior job is done solo. Is there a department that reports to the senior role and if so, why is it the job can be done solo?

Managing a team and resources generally comes with the territory of a senior role but yours doesn't? Is it a technical role then? If so, why do they need a senior person?

I have many questions ....

Tinkerbell456 · 30/08/2020 01:49

They can get ahead if the extroverts say they can😬 !

Bearnecessity · 30/08/2020 01:51

Smile sweetly, nod sagely, be a bit more confident...carry on as you are...no need to socialise, change personality overly.If they genuinely want to give you the job they will...

ChristmasCarcass · 30/08/2020 02:00

Why is personality more important than skills?

This is a skill!

Look, I get it, I'm quiet and hate putting myself forwards, but sometimes what they are paying you for is to speak up when decisions are being made, publicise what you/the team are doing well, and be generally seen as an expert. You can do all that while being an introvert, you just have to be a self-confident one. Or pretend to be.

pguppgdown · 30/08/2020 02:44

quiet and thoughtful counts, too. So long as you don't shy away from the hard bits of people management: letting people know where the line is, being able to criticise and critique, devise action plans, commit to timescales, etc. If you can be resolute, steadfast, aren't too much of a people pleaser, can say no, and mean it, then go for it. There's more than one way to be a boss.