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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I a crap person for not helping?

29 replies

slipperyslope22 · 30/08/2020 00:08

Am I a shit person if I see someone going down a slippery slope and not doing anything?

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 30/08/2020 00:10

Depends on the slippery slope

KylieKoKo · 30/08/2020 00:11

You're not responsible for other people's behaviour but if I could help someone I cared about I would.

daisychain1620 · 30/08/2020 00:12

This really depends on the circumstances

slipperyslope22 · 30/08/2020 00:17

She's going through a breakup but still living with her OH they hate each other.She's on a high dosage of anti depressants getting so drunk she is passing out left me with her kids to put them to sleep. Driving her kids rounds after having a few drinks. Good at hiding her drinking situation and is functioning quite well for the amount she is drinking. I am having to cover for her a lot.

OP posts:
TitianaTitsling · 30/08/2020 00:23

Drink driving with kids? Would I fuck cover for that.

JamieLeeCurtains · 30/08/2020 00:23

You can't really stop someone who wants to, say, be an addict or have an affair. You can only tell them what they have to lose.

Sometimes even after they've lost so much, they still close their minds to the truth / reality.

I think you can only do what your conscience dictates, while keeping yourself safe and untrammeled.

Shizzlestix · 30/08/2020 00:24

Why on earth would you cover for her drink driving her kids round? I’m afraid I’d be reporting her ASAP.

JamieLeeCurtains · 30/08/2020 00:24

X-posted with you there, OP. Listen to your conscience.

saleorbouy · 30/08/2020 00:48

I think I would try and help her understand the danger she is putting her DC in behaving this way and the high chance she has of them going I to care. Maybe point her in the direction of some organisations that could offer her some help, support and advice.
She's obviously struggling and you are being supportive by looking after her kids but this is also enabling her not to face up to her responsibilities as a parent, she needs to seek help for her own health and her kids wellbeing.

pguppgdown · 30/08/2020 02:36

Ask her how she'll feel if she's in a crash and the kids die. Don't sweeten it by saying 'hurt', or 'injured', or such. Ask her how she'll feel if she passes out and the house catches fire and one of the kids dies. Tell her you won't be covering for her or putting her kids to bed so she can get wasted and that you've had enough. Lay it on thick. Might help.

londonscalling · 30/08/2020 02:53

I'd be ringing the police when she gets in the car with her kids, NOT covering for her!

BetsyBigNose · 30/08/2020 06:25

Hi @slipperyslope22, I'm an alcoholic and have been in recovery for around 8 years now. When I first started treatment, a couple of my friends came to me and said "I was worried about you - I knew you were driving the kids to Nursery in the morning and you'd drunk a bottle of vodka the night before and I worried you'd be over the limit..."

I absolutely take responsibility for my drinking, no one forced it down my neck, but as far as I was concerned - no one else had a clue. It was clear from these comments that I was wrong and I do wonder, if one of these friends had turned up at my house one morning and confronted me, and forced me to confess to how much I'd had to drink the day before, then I might have found my way into treatment earlier - it certainly would have meant I would have started walking the children places when I was hungover in the mornings, at the very least.

However, it was not their responsibility, of course. It was all down to me and I just wasn't ready to admit - even to myself - how bad things had become.

With the benefit of hindsight, I know now what I would do in your shoes. I would speak to her, one to one, and let her know that you've noticed that she's drinking more than usual and you've been concerned that she might have been drink-driving on a couple of recent occasions. I would offer her whatever support she needs - finding support groups, speaking to her GP etc. then lay on the line that if she ever drinks and drives again, you will report her, without hesitation. I would tell her that I would expect her to do me the same kindness, as I am essentially trying to keep her and her children (and other road users) safe. She would be left in no doubt that I am serious about reporting her. I might even offer that if she's had a drink and needs to go somewhere, then I'd give her a lift.

Of course, only you know how well this might go over with her. It may damage your friendship forever, it may lead her to drinking more (which would not be your fault - although she would likely frame it that way) or she might pour the rest of the alcohol in the house down the drain and never touch another drop. You just don't know. The alternative is to report her now and hope that the Police stop her on a spot check, but I would hope that speaking to her now might knock the drink-driving on the head immediately.

This is just what I would do, as I think it's something I would have been shocked by enough to properly think about what I had been doing, rather than continuing to kid myself that because I'd slept for 7 hours, drunk a litre of water, 2 coffees and had a bacon sandwich, I'd be fine.

The one this I don't think you can do, is nothing.

SnuggyBuggy · 30/08/2020 06:33

You probably can't stop her going down a slippery slope but you could try to protect the children. If you know someone is driving drunk you have to call the police.

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 30/08/2020 06:56

To me, the best policy is to support someone who is ready and willing to help themselves, but don't try to rescue someone who isn't.

daisychain1620 · 30/08/2020 09:19

I think that because kids are involved you have to take action a d how close this person is depends on what exacythis action is

daisychain1620 · 30/08/2020 09:21

Sorry but post too soon!
If it's a friend or family member then I would try to help them but at the very least the kids are the priority here. If you don't do something and one of the kids get hurt how would you feel?

Timeforabiscuit · 30/08/2020 09:27

@BetsyBigNose congratulations on your continued recovery :)

Would echo their advice of stating what your seeing, what you believe the consequences would be and what you will be doing from now.

It may well be bitter, but it will be for the best Flowers

D4rwin · 30/08/2020 09:33

Don't leave them with her and don't make excuses for her. Those children are already at risk.

Wakemeupwhenthisisover · 30/08/2020 09:41

I’d help her, if it’s a close person/relative. Help doesn’t mean cover for her it means help her stop drinking.

Immigrantsong · 30/08/2020 09:44

I would do all I could to ensure the kids were safe. So yes I would help. I couldn't live with kids getting hurt or dying. Please make sure you reach out to agencies and family/friends to help. Things could get bad if no one steps up.

Minimumstandard · 30/08/2020 10:04

How will you feel if she crashes her car while over the limit and kills her children (or someone else)? Tell her that the next time you find out she's been drinking and driving, you're calling the police.

AFP10 · 30/08/2020 12:03

I lost my best friend last year due to drink. I was with her for multiple ITU admissions and at the end of her life. The one thing that sits with me to this day is "what if", what if I'd spoken to her sooner, what if I'd supported her with going to counselling earlier, what if I'd supported her with AA sooner. By the time I did the damage (we didn't know) was done.

Other posts are right, we are not responsible for others behaviour but sometimes intervention and support can help.
Whatever you decide you must look after yourself first and foremost. You won't be any use to anyone if you let this get on top of you.
Much love to your friend and you.

GinDrinker00 · 30/08/2020 12:04

Yeah you are. If she’s drinking while in charge of kids. It’s your job to tell her straight or even report her to social services if needs be.
Don’t be part of the problem.

Sparticuscaticus · 30/08/2020 12:16

She is not Coping with living in that toxic situation and trying to care for children. She needs to get out,

-Drink driving , aggravated offence with children in car, even if she doesn't kill someone

  • Passing out drunk so cannot put children to bed is neglect and frankly shit parenting
What if one of them was ill and she didn't do anything ? What if she fell over one of them and didn't recall she hurt them?

It is child safeguarding and the moment she gets caught she will risk losing residency of those children, can be prosecuted for child neglect and certainly will regret every bad decision she made then.

Please tell your friend bluntly what she is risking and that you will no longer cover for her. I doubt her XH will cover for her either and cannot understand what he is doing whilst she does this?

Her GP can help her with drinking /
Referral to alcohol service, ; she can go to hypnotist privately to help herself, to AA

She needs to stop any alcohol - remove it all from her house - as that is causing her problems not solving them, she's opting out by drinking it. is early days so should be easier to stop than many years down the line when she's lost everything after being caught.

Children talk and it won't take long for her to be exposed. They are also being damaged by mum behaving like this. How will any of this make them feel safe?

As a friend you need to help her look in the mirror as there's an alcoholic mother looking back at her.
An alcoholic mother you are prepared to tell she must stop hurting herself and her children or you will tell someone

If you are in certain fields (nhs, education, childcare, police, social care) you are required to report regardless of how you know

Apolloanddaphne · 30/08/2020 12:17

As children are involved you have a duty to intervene and be a voice on their behalf. Speak to her first and if she will not listen then either speak to their school or report it to NSPCC. You need to do something before she os caught drink driving or her children come to harm through her actions.

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